(upbeat music playing)
- [Host] From the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,
It's Setlist Stand Up Without A Net.
We are here at the Pleasance Ace Dome
with comedians from around the world
creating stand up comedy out of thin air,
on the spot, under pressure
and without any preparation whatsoever.
- [Announcer] Keep it going for the never before seen
set list of Paul Foot!
(audience applauding)
- [Paul Foot] Greetings
(audience laughing)
Well...
recently
when I was having a lot of problems sexually
I went to a
a mortuary.
(audience laughter)
Well what it was.
Basically, I was supposed to, the doctor,
said I should go to
a sex therapist.
I'll bet you nobody's liking these hospitals
you know one wrong turn
(audience laughter)
it's like this, the red wing and the green wing and so on.
Anyway, before I knew it I was in the mortuary.
So, I just blurted out "Well, I'm having sexual problems.
(audience laughter)
Particularly,
problems with the left leg."
That was my main sexual
(audience laughter)
problem I was having.
I was good on the right leg,
but I was having a lot of
problems literally getting the leg over, as it were.
They call it getting leg over.
They call it getting leg over, don't they?
It's one of the hardest bits, actually of the sex session,
in terms of balance.
People underestimate how difficult that is.
Trying to get that left leg over
and you've gotta
obviously, you've gotta kick one
foot down for gravity.
(audience laughter)
Newton's Third Law said. for each an every reaction,
there's an opposite and equal reaction.
So you need your foot there to keep the opposite reaction
or else you go down towards the middle of the Earth.
So you need that.
(audience laughter)
Then you get the left leg over like that and
then, of course you don't move over, of course but
in a gamely way
that still retains
the sort of sexual
element of surprise.
(audience laughter)
Well the people in the mortuary, they said "You've got it
a bit wrong there."
So they said
(audience laughter)
"Why don't you have a go?"
(audience laughter)
Don't be silly.
I'm not gonna have sex with a corpse.
Of course I'm not gonna talk about things like that,
even though that's what's up there.
(audience laughter)
I mean they can push me so far with their improvisational
game, but I'm not gonna talk about having sex with a corpse.
I might talk about having sex with a live person within
a mortuary.
(audience laughter)
That's as far as I'm prepared to go
for this
filmed weg event.
(audience laughter)
As it happens, they were right really, because I started
having sex with a mortuary technician
and she showed me
a wonderful technique.
And I was really getting into it and sort of thought
I think this is going well.
And anyway, she died.
(audience laughter)
But she was in the right place and I think it's what her
family would have wanted.
(audience laughter)
(applause)
When one spends one's time studying insects,
you know, you're constantly chasing
different insects
and you of course, have to classify them.
You think oh there's a
(audience laughter)
spider sort of thing.
(audience laughter)
There's a fly.
Get a fly.
Put it on the wall there.
You're getting them all the time, sort of thing.
But, beetles, you don't get them so much.
So, when you get a beetle, it's quite a lot of excitement.
You don't do it on your own.
How tragic would that be?
You do it in a club.
(audience laughter)
It's a club of people who all sit round, all of whom have
a lot of sexual problems.
It's a bit like.
What they do in the insect club is
a bit like they have a
fondue set.
But, instead of having a cheese fondue, or a chocolate
fountain, they just have a continuous flow of insects
going round and round the fondue set and you have a pair of
pliers and you just pull the insect.
Put it in.
(audience laughter)
For financial reasons,
you don't often come across a beetle.
(audience laughter)
So...
it's quite rare if one does get one.
If you get a beetle, then you say "Oh I've got
a big girl beetle!"
(audience laughter)
And everyone else round sees you get a beetle.
Everyone else says "Oh you've got a beetle!"
Quite strange people, really.
(audience laughter)
And they carry on until eventually you
soon get to a hundred spiders
within five minutes, you know.
Don't even have to wait for the tea break to get
a hundred spiders.
You stop collecting your own.
But when you get to a hundred beetles,
that is the sign
that it's time for the Insect Collecting
Fondue
Club
to end
and then
everyone just files out, really.
(audience laughter)
Back into their sexually adequate lives.
(audience applause)
(upbeat music playing)