Can you believe that you're in charge of deciding,
whether our brilliant ideas are good or not?
All these talented people, all these money and TV credits,
and they come up here,
and you get to decide what's good and what's not good,
and we believe you.
And what the hell do you know about it?
Nothing.
(audience laughs)
You know nothing.
Never written a joke,
most of you aren't funny.
Probably all of you.
You wouldn't be here if you were funny,
you wouldn't need to come to this.
But just think of how you would feel,
you know, if I came into your office, and said you know,
I don't like the things you say at these meetings.
I don't know anything about your business,
I don't have a reason, I don't even work here.
I just thought I'd come in off the street
and give you a piece of my mind.
(audience laughing)
And what gives me the authority?
I bought two drinks.
(audience laughing and applauding)
So I'm supposed to go down to Florida next week,
after we're done here, that's where all my relatives live.
I don't really want to go.
Florida.
Lot of old people down there.
You know they live in those minimum security prisons.
That's where they put all the old people.
What's with all the security there,
with the guard gate with the arm coming down,
everyone's got a uniform, guns.
Are the old people trying to escape, or
are people stealing old people?
What is the security problem?
I just can't drive around there,
you know how the old people drive?
They drive slow, they sit low,
that is their motto.
State flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel
with a hat and two knuckles on it.
(crowd applauding)
I wasn't going to Disney Land, okay, it's not gonna happen.
It wasn't one of those things that you could do.
My parents were not taking me
thousands of miles to another state
so I can sit in a tea cup.
Both of my parents were orphans.
So the fact that I had a room with a bed
they're like, "That's your ride, you can go on that".
(audience applauds)
You're fine.
And I was fine.
Sometimes on the outside of these stores,
they'd have like two red metal horses on the sidewalk,
and that was pretty good.
You'd get 10 cents and it wasn't a ride,
you know, it was kind of a piece,
just a fragment, chipped off of a ride
that landed there somehow,
and it didn't do anything that would make you go, "wee"
it would just kind of grind forward and back.
(imitating machine grinding)
It was like a grain elevator motor
with just two horses welded on top.
(imitates machine whirring)
Are we milling buckwheat, or am I at an amusement park?
(imitates machine whirring and grinding)
What is this helmet with the,
that is very popular now with motorcycle riders?
You know the helmet I mean.
The slight flaring around the back.
- [Woman In Audience] Yeah.
What the hell is going on here?
You know the helmet,
it's not a full Nazi but it's a slightly Nazi.
What is this shopping moment,
can you explain to me how this happens?
You walk into a motorcycle store,
the man says, "May I help you?"
Yes, I need a motorcycle helmet.
Well, we have these regular ones over here,
No, not for me. (audience laughs)
Well, let me ask you this, sir?
How do you feel about the Nazis?
(audience laughing)
I'll tell you the truth, I kind of had a problem
with the genocide, hatred, racism and murder.
What about the helmets?
They weren't bad.
(audience laughing)
I didn't mind the helmet.
I didn't like Hitler,
but I don't think I had a problem with the apparel, per se.
(audience laughing)
Yeah I'll buy that.
(audience applauding)
Thank you, I appreciate that.
I totally appreciate what you're saying.
(crowd laughs)
I do, but the question is this,
what have I been doing?
(crowd laughs)
Everybody says to me,
"Hey, you don't do the show anymore, what do you do?"
(audience laughs)
I'll tell you what I do.
Nothing.
(crowd applauding and laughing)
Yeah, I know what your thinking, that sounds pretty good.
Your thinking, "I might like to do nothing myself".
Well let me tell you,
doing nothing is not as easy as it looks.
You have to be careful.
(crowd laughs)
Because the idea of doing anything,
which could easily lead to doing something,
that would cut into your nothing
and that would force me to have to drop everything.
(crowd roars)
And why is McDonald's still counting?
(crowd laughs)
This is really insecure, isn't it?
40 gillion, 80 million, zillion, billion, killion, tillion.
What is this?
Does it mean anything to anyone?
89 billion sold!
Okay.
I'll have one.
I would love to meet the chairman of the board of McDonald's
just say to him, "Look we all get it."
(crowd laughs)
"You've sold a lot of hamburgers,
"whatever the hell the number is.
"Just put up a sign, McDonald's: We're Doing Very Well."
I don't need to hear about every goddamn one of them.
What is their ultimate goal?
To have cows just surrendering voluntarily or something?
Showing up at the door,
"We'd like to turn ourselves in we see the sign."
"We realize we have very little chance out there."
(crowd applauds)
(crowd whistling)
"We'd like to be a Happy Meal if that's at all possible."