- When you believe that you don't deserve happiness,
when you feel that you are not worthy of
and not deserving of nice things,
this is often at the root of
self-sabotaging, destructive behavior.
And when you understand why you have that belief
and how you can change it forever,
that allows you to expect and get great things from life.
So what does self-sabotage look like?
Well, "Hey, I've always wanted a great relationship,
"I've met someone, and now I'm really acting out,
"I'm not answering their calls,
"I'm being snippy and mean,
"and why am I doing that when this is what I wanted?
"I've got this great job and I'm turning up late,
"I'm not doing the work they ask me to do.
"I've just got to my ideal weight,
"and now I'm deliberately binging on cakes
"and cookies, what's going on?
"So I've got a promotion, and suddenly, I feel demotivated.
"I'm almost like, 'Oh, I'm scared of this job,
"'they're going to find out I'm not good enough,
"'so, therefore, I need to sabotage it early.'
"I'm scared this person will realize
"I'm not who they think I am,
"so let me mess it up in advance by acting out."
This is so frustrating because it sets you back,
it makes you fall at the first hurdle.
But when you understand why you do this,
that is a game-changer.
Understanding is power;
understanding what runs you
and understanding you have the power
to change that forever.
So often, we don't realize we're...
We say, "I don't know why my relationships don't work.
"I don't know why I sabotage my job.
"I don't know why
"I've got this really important meeting,
"I got to be in the office at eight, on it,
"and yet, I'm spending all night watching Netflix,
"I'm almost deliberately messing this up.
"I'm not planning,
"I'm not reading,
"I'm not learning what I have to learn.
"I'm almost choosing to fail without wanting to fail at all."
Self-sabotage always comes down to one thing,
"I don't think I'm good enough,
"I'm scared of failing, so let me fail fast.
"Let me mess it up early,
"then I don't have to live with that fear of it
"all going wrong because I made it wrong." And even better,
instead of going, "Well, you know, I got this great job
"and I wasn't good enough,
"I didn't have the skills," you go,
"Well, I could have done it,
"but, you see, I was always up all night,
"I was drinking,
"I was partying,
"I was wasting time,
"and that's why it went wrong."
That is way less painful than saying,
"I didn't have the qualities,
"I didn't have the skill,
"I just wasn't up to it."
Self-sabotage allows us to blame something we did,
rather than who we are.
Our greatest fear is that we're not enough,
our greatest fear is of being rejected.
And when you really fear that, you will bring about sabotage
so you can blame something else
that stops you feeling rejected and not enough.
"Oh, it wasn't that,
"I just didn't apply myself,
"I messed about, I was always out,
"I was having a good time,
"I just didn't take it seriously,"
That is supposed to hurt less.
But that doesn't always work.
So when you are really run by this fear of failing,
it's like, "Oh, I'm not going to go for that job,
"I know I won't get it,"
or, "I'm going to go for the job,
"but I haven't even prepared.
"And then when I don't get it, I go,
"'Well, you know why?
"'I didn't prepare.'"
And that hurts less than, "Oh, they didn't like me,
"they didn't think I was good,
"I wasn't the candidate for the job.
"And that hurt me." But saying,
"Well, I was, but, you know, I turned up late,
"I got lost,
"I didn't plan the route,
"I didn't work out how long it took to get there.
"I hadn't pressed my shirt,
"I wasn't prepared.
"I didn't get the job. I could have, but I messed it up."
"They didn't want me,
"they rejected me,
"they preferred someone else."
These beliefs are painful,
but sabotaging ourselves is less painful,
because that's what we do, that's a behavior,
it's not who we are or our character traits.
And there's a really deep level
of not feeling you're worth it;
not cooking nice food,
not buying healthy ingredients,
not practicing self-care,
not looking after yourself,
never having a massage or a treatment,
because, "Oh, I'm not worth it,
"don't waste your money."
When people buy you gifts, and you say,
"You shouldn't have wasted your money on me.
"That's a waste of money.
"I don't want to spend money on that."
You see, if you don't feel you're worth it,
how can anyone else ever feel you're worth it?
And the way to overcome this is to go, "I'm worth it,
"I deserve this.
"Yes, a burger and fries is 10 bucks
"and the salad is 15 bucks,
"but it's an investment; I'm investing in my health.
"I'm paying for things that make me feel good."
Everything you buy is because of how it makes you feel.
When you say, "Yeah,
"I'm just going to take myself to bed early,
"I'm going to leave this event
"because I'm being good to myself,
"I'm honoring myself.
"I put myself to bed,
"I take myself to the gym,
"I choose healthier food,
"I choose healthier relationships,
"I choose to be in positions and conversations
"where I don't put myself down."
When someone praises you, don't go,
"Oh, me? Oh, that was just a fluke,
"I don't know how I did that.
"Oh, that was nothing."
Say, "Thank you so much, I'm so glad you love my job,
"my ability, I'm pleased that you like that."
My mother did that.
My mother was a great cook, and every time I went for dinner,
she'd go, "Well, it's no good today
"because I didn't get the right ingredient.
"They didn't have any rosemary, I had to use sage and
"we know that's no good.
"And, oh, I burnt, I didn't prepare."
I'd go, "Mom, stop it,
"you're an amazing cook.
"When I say, 'This is amazing,' say, 'Thank you,
"'I'm so glad you love it,
"'I made this for you with love,
"'and I love the fact that you love it.'"
So one of the ways to stop self-sabotage
in its tracks is to accept praise.
And when someone praises you, add to it, go, "Thank you so much."
"I love your top,"
"Oh, this old thing? I've had it for 10 years."
No, say, "Thank you,
"I love it too. It's my favorite color."
Praise yourself.
Let in praise. The fastest way to grow your self-esteem
is to let in praise,
and the fastest way to diminish it
is to let in criticism, especially your own.
Don't do that.
Stop criticizing yourself,
and start to say these key phrases,
"I'm worth it,
"I'm worthy of it,
"I'm deserving this,
"I'm ready for this,
"I'm worthy of great love,
"I deserve to have someone love me and adore me
"and cherish me and be adored and loved and cherished by me.
"I deserve my talents to be recognized,
"my body deserves to be looked after by me,
"I deserve to be treated with respect."
Think of all the things you deserve
and start to say, "I deserve this,
"I'm worthy of this,
"I am ready for this.
"What I want wants me.
"What I am moving towards is moving towards me."
Say it,
state it,
affirm it.
Even if you don't believe it to be true,
as you say it, state it, and affirm it,
it will become true,
because the mind does not know or, indeed, care
if what you tell it is true or false,
useful or useless,
healthy or unhealthy,
beneficial or not, it lets it in.
And you have nothing to lose
and everything to gain by going, "I'm worth it.
"I'm worthy of love,
"I'm worthy of recognition,
"I'm worthy of praise,
"I'm worthy of success.
"I'm deserving of love,
"deserving of recognition,
"deserving of praise,
"deserving of success.
"I am worthy and deserving of nice things
"and good people in my life because I'm nice and good."
And there are many people in the world
that were so loved and so lovable.
Marilyn Monroe always comes to mind.
Heath Ledger, George Michael,
Philip Seymour Hoffman, even Amy Winehouse.
And if we really look at these people,
we can see something they have in common;
they didn't feel lovable,
they didn't feel worthy,
they didn't feel enough.
And Marilyn's coach said,
"Marilyn, what is this deal with you
"dancing in front of all those GIs in skin tight clothes
"with no underwear?" And she said,
"Well, I have to belong to the whole world,
"I've never belonged to anyone or anything,
"and I never will."
When someone said to Whitney Houston,
"Is drink the devil in life?"
she said, "Oh, no. I'm the devil in my life."
When Amy Winehouse wrote, "I told you I was trouble,
"you know I'm no good,"
she was writing about herself.
And sometimes, these people write
the most amazing music or books about pain.
But what they're saying is, "I'm not worth it,
"I'm not deserving.
"The self-destructiveness is a talent.
"I don't deserve this praise so let me diminish it.
"I'm not good enough, let me get rid of it."
And the only way to cure that is to look at why.
Look at Britney Spears; beautiful,
talented, engaging, lovable.
She didn't believe that to be true.
And when you try to give someone that light, that love,
they can't let it in,
because the only person who can fix that is that person.
So if you can see any of you in this, even a tiny amount,
start to say the magic words, "I am lovable,
"I matter, I'm significant,
"I'm enough, I'm worthy of and deserving of..."
And add to that whatever you would love
to feel worthy of or deserving of.
And this is not rocket science.
We all want to feel worthy of love,
worthy of praise,
worthy of success,
worthy of happiness and joy and peace.
And it's a decision, decide that to be true.
"I'm worthy of attention."
If you say that enough, you become worthy of attention.
If you don't say it and don't fix it,
you'll always be, "Well, I'm no good with people, you see.
"I don't like being the center of attention,
"I can't have a conversation;
"I blush, I go bright red, I stutter."
But when you say, "Take a breath.
"Hey, I am worthy of attention,
"I'm deserving of attention,
"I'm great in a crowd,
"I can talk to anyone about anything on any level
"because I like myself.
"I'm lovable,
"I'm enough,
"I'm significant,
"I matter,
"I'm worthy."
And when you say it, state it, and affirm it,
you're changing your reality.
Write it on your fridge,
write it on your mirror,
put it on your screensavers,
incorporate it into the passwords of your computers
so every day, you must type out, write out,
state those words.
And don't just walk past the words on your fridge.
As you walk past, state them, speak them,
affirm them in a powerful, confident voice,
and that will become your reality.
Your words shape your reality,
choose better words and what will you have?
A better reality.
We all want confidence and high self-esteem,
and I promise you, you were born with confidence.
You might think you've lost it, but you could get it back.
You can learn to radiate phenomenal self-confidence
to dream big, to go after your goals
knowing that you will achieve them.
So click the link below,
and please join my '21-Day Confidence Challenge'
to unlock the amazing potential that's already in you
and be your very best self.