- Imagine you in my shoes,
like the only person I have supporting me
is you. Right?
And even my closest friends, they were like long gone.
So I had like no one.
I couldn't trust anyone.
And you were expecting a lot of me.
Like, I was like, imagine like I'm giving up
all these things, you know, I'm like in the
middle of doing that.
And then you just don't acknowledge me for it.
And it just I was just so mad, like.
And I was very disappointed. You know.
- I have no problem acknowledging
that you probably sacrificed 100 times
more than I ever will have to,
and I'm grateful for that.
I wish like I could take that burden on,
you know, like I was always trying to take on your burdens.
But I realize a lot of them just weren't mine to bear.
And all I could do is support you.
- Yeah. I remember every time when
I felt like I had like a world on my shoulders.
You were there to like help me,
even though you weren't really doing anything.
Like, you couldn't do anything.
Yeah.
When do people judge us,
and why do you think they do?
- All the time. For everything.
I don't think it matters what we're doing.
- Mm-hmm.
And I've never been so judged before in my life.
On your side, friends and family,
on my side, friends and family.
People judged us for being together, because
the concept was so...
- Crazy.
- bizarre to them that anything we did,
they felt like they had, they were entitled to judge
because the situation was already taboo enough.
And it was just like another, like,
tick off their list of like, why
we shouldn't be together.
Which I found ridiculous.
But I never felt so judged,
because even like if people judge you
behind your back, you don't notice.
But people like blatantly...
judged every single action to our face,
not just every action of the relationship,
but just who we were.
Like everything was put on display
and everyone judged negatively.
- Yeah.
I think everyone just thought like this is crazy, like...
Coming from like me,
everyone just thought it was a phase,
you know, and because they thought it was a phase,
like they just thought I was so stupid,
that I'm making such
big decisions on something like a phase.
You know what I mean?
Because like, if I'm being honest with you,
like in the beginning
of our relationship,
when we were like talking about marriage,
right?
to me, I was like,
if someone gives me like,
a good reason as to like
why we shouldn't get married, you know,
maybe I'll think about it, right?
Like maybe that we're not compatible,
or like some sort of that,
you know what I mean?
Like, maybe we're just way too like different people.
But that wasn't any of those claims,
everybody was just talking about like
how bad of a person I am
for even wanting this, you know,
and for you the things they said about you.
it just got me so mad,
because it had nothing to do with us.
Yeah. Thinking on it. And also like
because a huge thing I was going through
like, outside the relationship was just like converting.
Either people on my side were judging my conversion
and my process through it,
because they thought I did it for you.
And then people on your side were judging my process of it
because they wanted me to be like
the perfect like, Muslim wife.
You know what I mean?
- Yeah, I think your conversion was
harder than most, because
I think what's special about it
is that you got to like discover it
yourself, you know?
You like, learn to pray, and then you learn to do
like certain things, right?
But for you it was just pushed on you, because
like you didn't get a chance to like take a breath.
You know what I mean?
And I remember you told me about this,
and I think I backed off
a lot after that, because for me,
everyone's expectations, they put on me. Right.
So I wanted that same for you
because I didn't want to let you down.
Because if I let you down
without like telling you everything,
like I thought you would like somehow
be adversely affected by it. Right?
But that was just so wrong of me because
like it was your own thing.
Right. It was your own thing.
And I just... I don't know.
I just I think I just accelerated and went faster than you wanted to.
I just I think I just accelerated
and went faster than you wanted to.
- What do I do that turns you on
that I'm not aware of?
- That turns me on?
That you’re not aware of?
The way you walk,
- I’m definitely aware of that.
- You’re aware of that?
- You tell me all the time.
- Aw, I do?
- Yeah!
Because every time you walk, it's like,
yeah, it's like so mesmerizing.
Like, I don't know. I don't know. Like
I want to record you one day while you're walking,
because you also, this is also before you converted.
So you had your beautiful hair just flowing, right.
You had your skirt just like
bouncing on your hips, and it was like
it was beautiful. And
the fact that you draw so much attention on you,
like naturally, right? Like,
I don't know. Yeah, I think it's your walk.
So you should walk around more. You know, did.
- Noted.
- All right.
When have you felt the sexiest around me,
and what has it taught you about yourself?
- What comes to mind
is a surprising moment when I feel sexy around you,
which is when I'm in hijab.
Because I didn't used to feel confident
in that at all. But.
You really helped me become confident in it.
Not all the time, I mean, of course I
struggle just like anyone else.
And I have days where
it takes us two hours to get me out of the house
because I really don't want to wear it. But,
you've shown me that I can be sexy
and confident, even in modest clothing.
And like,
Yeah, that completelyh surprises me,
because I never had that notion
growing up. I mean, I come from a culture where
the more skin you show, the sexier you are.
And that's super normal.
There, you know,
- It’s just, like... your persona. To me,
that's sexier than like someone, you know.
walking around in lingerie,
that's someone who's like
who has that like energy in them, I think that's super sexy.
Just that energy.
- Yeah.
- I think that's what I get from you.
So it doesn't really matter to me what you wear.
- How do our different upbringings
affect our relationship
in ways we didn't expect?
This is a good question.
I mean, we come from like
two completely different worlds,
which have merged a little
since I've converted.
- Mm hmm.
- But I think one thing I've realized is like
we're still always going to come from
completely different worlds.
- Yeah.
I think it has to do a lot with family,
like expectations of family.
Like you'll get upset at me
for not understanding your family's
expectations of you.
Them being so against us, being together,
not letting us see each other
and not want us to talk to each other.
And we were just constantly either
trying to see each other in secret,
like always looking over our shoulder,
or just like defending ourselves to them.
And I think it was also us being afraid
that they wouldn't,
especially on your end.
I think you held back on connecting a lot
because you were worried of
what would happen,
because you had a lot at stake.
Way more than I did.
And I think...
even though at the time you were really confident,
like you were willing to give up everything,
we also worried that it would change you a lot.
So I think you held back a lot.
And it wasn’t until after the marriage
that we were able to like actually like
open up and connect.
- Oh, yeah, definitely.
And that took a lot of time and energy
away from us that we could have spent
getting to know each other
and developing the relationship.
And I think we got really lucky
when we did get married
and everyone started to back off.
We suddenly had leg room to breathe.
And I think we got so lucky because
we hadn't really had that space
to connect before,
and that could have just not been there.
What does my love feel like?
- Remember, um...
that day we went to DUMBO,
like the middle of the night,?
- Which day?
- The first night when I like,
you know, those bells and I was just kicking those bells.
I told you I loved you that day
because you told me that you love me.
But that was such a lie.
I did not love you then.
- I know.
- I did not love you.
I just you know, because I just wanted
to be like cinematic, you know, like
because you told me that, you brought me to
like this gorgeous place and like
you were all goofy about me, you know.
And then I said it, you know. But.
I just didn't think I knew what love was then.
I didn't know what love was.
Because you're the only person that I've ever loved
or have ever said that, that
I love you to,
because I always used to think that,
like when you're in love
with someone, you're like...
you're like constantly giddy, you know?
Like you have butterflies in your stomach 24/7.
You’re like,
all your like hormones are like always enraged 24/7.
You know, that's what I thought I love was,
like it was like this dream thing.
But your love for me brings me peace.
You know, like loving you isn't like this
tsunami of feelings, it’s like a calm, gentle river.
And just so peaceful.
Like my heart is at peace,
it’s not searching for anything else.
It's not beating so fast, it's not like
dying either. It's just.
So peaceful, is just so easy to love you
like I don't have to put
any effort in trying to love you.
It's beautiful, the way you love me is beautiful,
the things you do for me...
But yeah, I'll say your love feels
very peaceful.
- I like that.
- Why did you marry me?
Because...
Ever since I was little,
I dreamed up like this perfect person for me.
And then I found it in you, and...
Even if you and I change as people,
we have a very strong friendship.
Like you're my best friend,
like, ever. That I've ever had.
And we're very identical, too.
Which does not work out for everyone.
But I think for us, it really works.
So even if we both change,
you and I change a lot.
- Yeah, we do change a lot.
- We adapt a lot. And we're also best friends.
So I just couldn't foresee a time where we
would want to, like, get a divorce
or not work through something
because we were just so different.
Because even if we do become complete opposites,
which I don't really think would happen,
but if we did,
I still think we would have enough respect
and love as best friends
to like find a new type of love as new people.
And I just thought that was really important.
Yeah, I think, if I can answer the question, too,
I married you because like
I saw like a life with you, you know, and
it's one thing for someone to just be your lover.
But for one, when someone's like your best friend,
you know, that's all you need. Right.
- If this were to be our last conversation,
what's something you'd never want me to forget?
Don’t cry.
We promised each other.
- Our last conversation.
I want to tell you that and remind you
about conversations we had at the beginning,
because you and I both believe in soul mates, you know,
that we're joined together.
So if I'm gone, it doesn't mean I'm gone.
We still have an eternity together.
You just have to wait for it
to wait to meet me there.
And that I love you so much and...
I'll be willing to do anything,
and I think I proved that to you.
That I will do anything for you.
Like, as crazy as it might seem like,
I know you had experiences where
you couldn't trust when people say that to you, but
I think I proved myself,
and I'll keep proving myself every single day.
Working harder or being more caring.
That I love you and I'll do whatever it takes.
That's what I would want you to remember.
Until Jannah reunites us.