Hi everyone I'm Emma McAdam, today we're going to talk about self-esteem. So
self-esteem is important but a lot of people struggle to have a healthy sense
of their own identity. The question, "Am I good enough?" seems to impact everyone
myself included. I've been thinking about this a lot, especially since editing the
video of me hiking with my girls when I say, you feel like you're never good
enough because no one is and I kind of regret saying that. Like what I meant by
that is that no one's able to be perfect or to 100% protect their kids from being
hurt by you know their own weaknesses as a parent. But I don't mean or I don't
think that we should run around feeling bad about ourselves, or that we should
endlessly beat ourselves, up or treat ourselves with harshness, or hatred.
Because all of that makes us less productive and more hateful, and it can
even make you depressed. I've got to sign up on my fridge that
says how do you treat yourself equals how you treat your kids equals how they
treat others. So I really feel like it's important that we don't spend our time
being harsh towards ourselves or beat ourselves up. But on the other hand I'm
gonna be honest I don't really care for the self-esteem movement, and the basic
idea is that you need to spend a lot of time thinking nice things about yourself
or spending time every day saying nice things to yourself or making lists of
all your good attributes. Now I do think that how we treat ourselves really does
matter it's really important, and we should be honest both about our
strengths and our weaknesses. But I've I've seen self-esteem get turned into
fake accomplishments and medals and prideful comparisons and sometimes even
just practices that don't work. Like for example it's never worked for me to just
like sit in front of the mirror and say nice things to myself, it just didn't
answer the question that I was asking. Which was how can I evaluate? How can I
know if I'm living well? So in this video I'm gonna talk about four sources of
self-esteem that will always let you down.
And one approach to thinking about evaluating yourself that has actually
helped me become more at peace. Self-esteem means how we esteem
ourselves, how we see ourselves. It's what we use to determine whether we are
worthy, or good ,or worthwhile, and I think that our worth is not changeable, that
we're always worthy of love, that we're divine beings who have an inherent
divinity an inherent goodness that never changes no matter whether we make big
mistakes whether we're you know acting one way or acting another way that our
worth doesn't change. But I do think how we evaluate ourselves matters. How we
determine if our lives are lined up with the path we want to be on and how you
know whether we feel good about ourselves. So let's talk about the first
source of false self-esteem which is appearance. So in my work with youth a
lot of times when we ask them what do you like about yourselves?
They often answer with things like I like my hair or I have a nice butt, and
they aren't usually expressing appreciation for the gift and the wonder
of their body, but rather they're feeling like good about themselves because
others approve of them or because they meet the cultural standards of beauty.
And when we think we're worthwhile because we're pretty or skinny or
attractive to others or because you're wearing the right clothes, it may feel
validating for a while, but in the long run basing your worth on your appearance
will always let you down. Because there will be times in your life
that you aren't pretty, and you'll age and you know other stuff will come up.
It's perfectly fine to be beautiful and to use that as a part of your personal
power or your skill set, but basing your self-worth or your self-evaluation on
appearance is really all about being more than someone else or being liked by
someone else or being judged by someone else. Basing your worth on appearance
gives away your personal power to others who may not honor you for your deep
inherent goodness. Because your worth and your goodness is so much more than your
outside appearance. Okay now we're going to talk about the second source of false
self-esteem, and this is popularity. It always feels good when other people like
you, when they approve of what you're doing or they agree
with you, but if you base your worth on that then you'll always feel uncertain
because people are fickle they change their minds and there's always gonna be
someone who disagrees with us or who mistreats us. By placing our source of
worth on others opinions, we put our worth in other people's control. So if we
believe that when they like us I'm good, when they don't like us I'm not good
enough, then we create this sense of helplessness and anxiety. It's okay to
use others opinions as informative but not decisive as to your own worthiness
and your value. And to whether your life is on the track that you want it to be
on. Often our values include how we treat others like having close connections or
being kind, and our relationships really are really important but they shouldn't
be the deciding factor of whether we like ourselves or whether we value the
path that our life is on. While we can influence what other people think of us
we can't control it. So basing our self-esteem on what other people think
of us is going to create a sense of uncertainty and insecurity and in the
long run it's probably gonna make you pretty anxious. Okay number three is
comparison. So when we use comparison as our source of self-esteem we often fall
into the routine of looking side to side to determine if we're any good. So for
example if I get the highest score out of my classmates I may feel good about
myself but then if I realize there are other people in my school who are
scoring higher than I am then I'll feel bad about myself. There will always be
someone better, smarter, faster, and likewise someone slower, lesser, or worse,
when we compare different traits. When we place our worth on comparison we create
enmity between ourselves and others. Comparison basically says I'm not good
or bad based on my choices, I'm good if I'm better than my husband or my
neighbor. So that means that I'll be constantly looking to find others faults
seeking flaws and the people I love the most in order to know if I'm good enough.
And when others are perceived as better, then I judge and I shame myself.
Comparison and competition will always let us down in the long run, and
comparison puts you in a lose-lose situation. Because if you're worth
depends on being better than others, then you're
separating yourselves from being able to truly connect with them. Okay let's talk
about the fourth source of false self-esteem,
this is achievement and this one's counterintuitive because many times
people place their value on the good things that they do. Making your life
about what you've accomplished whether it's in business or service or family
life, this can be a subtle trap. It's not that these things are bad they're
just the destination not the journey. And if our worth is only on what we've
accomplished then we tend to be unhappy until we've gotten to some future there
yet. This keeps us unhappy and flustered and rushed or overworked until we are
there. Also accomplishments are often dependent on many factors that are
outside of our control. Like what if you're paralyzed or the markets crashed
or there's a political climate that interferes with your goals. Are you then
worthless? Do you evaluate yourself as being bad? No, of course not. Your inherent
worth is not dependent on what you accomplished. I truly believe that we're
all inherently worthwhile as beautiful divine souls. If you evaluate your worth
dependent on your achievement, then you're always left wondering whether
you're good enough and it's it's putting your your worthiness outside of your
control. Making your worth depend on your achievement is also closely related to
perfectionism. So perfectionism says that the goal is to eliminate flaws. Not only
is this impossible but it's also not helpful, and that's because trying to
eliminate all mistakes prevents us from growth. If mistakes are the problem or
failure is feared then no one would innovate, no one would try a new business,
or create something new. Perfectionism eliminates opportunity because it avoids
risk. and then when we avoid risk we tend to feel pretty miserable because we miss
out on relationships success or opportunities. So, instead of using
appearance, popularity, comparison, or achievement as our way to decide if we
are worthwhile or if our life is on the path we want it to be on. I do believe
that there is one source of self-esteem that will not let us down. One way to
evaluate ourselves in our path to determine if we're lining our life up
with the life we want it to be, and this values, and integrity to our values. A
value is an attribute that we deem valuable. So these are characteristics
like kindness hard-working or creative. We can determine which values matter
most to us and then we can choose to bring our actions in line with our
values at any time. Lowell Bennion said, "True self-esteem comes when we keep the
promises that we make to ourselves." When we come to trust that we're going to act
the way that we believe we should. When we work toward being the kind of person
that we value, we focus on the process of striving. We work on becoming a little
bit better each day, and we pay attention to the process of growth instead of some
imaginary perfection. And when we do that we have an internal locus of control.
I can choose whether I'm going to act on my values or not today. And when I do, I
can evaluate myself I can esteem myself as being on the right path. I can feel a
self of accomplishment and when I don't act on my values, I can always reorient
toward them so if I make a mistake maybe I'm not kind or I yell at my kids, I can
remind myself my value is kindness and I'm gonna return toward trying to be
more kind tomorrow. Values are not goals, goals are something that's concrete and
measurable and you know when you've arrived. Values on the other hand our
direction you're working in. So if I have the goal to get married, underneath that
is the value to have close connections to love people or to build up a support
system. If I live these values, I may be likely to get married. But if I don't,
I'll still feel content and I'll know that I've lived a good life because I'm
focusing on my values of being connected with people. If all I focus on is getting
married, then my approach may be rushed or self-centered and I may actually
struggle to reach my goals. When we bring our actions in line with the character
that we value, we feel peace contentment and personal fulfillment. When our
actions don't line up with our values we feel guilty, uncomfortable, angry,
depressed, we may blame others or feel worthless. Living your values is not
about being perfect or never messing up, it's about determining that your goal is
progress. And when you're trying to learn and grow
you can feel good about yourself. When we decide the values are going to be our
source of self evaluation, then we're also deciding that we can choose to act
in line with what's valuable to us and what makes us feel like we're on the
right path with our life. I also believe the ultimate source of love and light is
a higher power and our connection to God and the divine within us is our ultimate
source of worth. I found that when I reach out to God and ask him how he
feels about me I can often sense a deeper truth and love than anything
going on inside of my head. And when we connect to a higher power we can be
filled with that source of compassion and a feeling of love and forgiveness,
and that source of love it enables us to extend a gentleness even towards
ourselves and our own mistakes and flaws and weaknesses. I made a video on self
compassion so if you'd like to learn more about that as a psychological not
religious practice, you can check out that video as well. And at this point
I've got to end with the brilliant Marianne Williamson quote, "Our greatest
fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us... And as we let
our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the
same." I hope that as you move forward in love and growth that you carefully
choose to align in your life with your values, and that you evaluate yourself
based on your integrity to them, instead of on perfectionism, or popularity, or
comparison, or achievements. Thank you for watching and please share this video,
because someone out there needs to hear this. Take care.