- If you have something that you're embarrassed
about from the past,
or maybe something that you're feeling shame about
from your past, maybe it's still in your present experience,
when is the right time to share that
with a new relationship and what do you say?
That's exactly what we're gonna be talking about today.
Stick around.
(upbeat music)
Hey, my name is Mat Boggs and I'm the founder
of the Love and Relationship Division
of the Brave Thinking Institute.
And our mission is empowering people to create
and live a life they love living
and that includes you in your love life.
And so I'm gonna share
with you a scenario that continuously comes up.
It's very frequent in my coaching programs
and that's when a woman has experienced something
from her past
that she feels embarrassed about or ashamed about
and she's going on a date and that topic gets brought up...
What does she say?
How does she address that?
Now I'll give you a scenario.
There's a client of mine,
we'll keep her anonymous.
We'll call her Cheryl for the purpose of this story.
And Cheryl had experienced a rape,
Cheryl had gotten pregnant from that rape,
and the father is in prison because of what he had done.
So imagine what it's like for Cheryl to go on a date.
She puts on her online profile that she's got a child
because she wants to lead with that.
She wants anyone who dates that turns into something
to accept her child, to love her child,
and to potentially be a great father and partner for her.
But on a first date,
the dates that she goes on,
the guy will often ask, "Oh, tell me about your child.
And well where's the father?
Is the father still in the picture?"
And so Cheryl was feeling really conflicted
because she was saying,
"I don't wanna talk about this story on a first date.
I don't feel like it's fair to me
to have to talk about this on a first date.
It's not fair to the guy
to have to have him to bear the weight
of this story on the first date and put that on him, as well.
And so I don't know what to say,
because I don't wanna lie
and kind of make up another story,
and then later on, have to tell him the truth.
And now I've lied to the partner that I wanna build
a relationship with. So what do I do?"
So Cheryl was in massive resistance
about even going on dates,
that was a block for her moving her love life forward.
Maybe you've got something from your past
that you are hesitant to talk about,
and that fear is a block keeping you
from moving your love life forward
'cause you don't know how to resolve it.
Today I'm gonna share with you three criteria
that you wanna make sure are in place.
This is how you know it's the right time
to share this information with a new relationship
and exactly what you can say,
how you can put this information in perspective.
And before I share with you these three factors,
if you are feeling some embarrassment
or you have some shame about something in the past,
it's really important that you dissolve those emotions,
you release yourself from those feelings.
And so I've got a meditation I've created for you
that will help you do that.
I'll put the link in the description,
you can just click that link, download that meditation,
it will really serve you
in transforming those emotions of shame or embarrassment.
So whether you have an STD,
whether you have had sexual trauma in the past,
whether you have gone through a bankruptcy,
something financial, any of that,
here's how you know when the right time
to share that information with a new relationship is.
There's three criteria,
I call these the three R's.
And you want all three of these to be in place
before you share this information.
First of all know
that you don't owe personal information to anybody.
People don't have the automatic right to know that.
You have the right to determine when it feels right to you
to share that information.
So the first R is relevance.
When is it relevant for the person you're dating
to hear this information? Right?
If you are not going to pursue this relationship
in any sort of committed form,
then it's not relevant to bare your soul
and open up information
about your most personal details, right?
If you've got an STD,
when is it relevant to share that information?
Well, it's not relevant
if you're not planning on sleeping with this person.
Only when you plan on being intimate with them
is it relevant to the situation and this new relationship.
So the first R is Relevance.
The second R is Respect.
You've got to have enough trust
between you and the person you're in this relationship with
that you know he's going to respect the information
you're sharing with him,
and he's gonna safeguard your heart with this information.
You've got to know that he's not going to judge you,
but instead hold you in compassion
and understanding with this information.
Before you share your most vulnerable information,
he has to have already demonstrated
that he's earned your trust
and he's going to safeguard your heart
with this information.
And the third R is Roots.
And I love this analogy:
Imagine an oak tree.
When an oak tree is fully grown,
it is strong, it is solid,
and it's got deep roots anchoring it in the ground.
And that oak tree can withstand storms,
it can withstand harsh weather,
it can withstand winds,
because it is strong enough
to withstand the challenges it's facing.
Now, it takes time to grow that kind of an oak tree.
And it takes time to grow that same strength
in a relationship.
When that same oak tree is just beginning
as a little seedling, it's fragile.
If it becomes exposed to too much challenge too early on,
like too much harsh wind, too much harsh weather,
it won't have the strength or the roots to survive.
And in this analogy,
the roots are the connection that you have
with this new relationship - with this man,
and the strength is the love that you share
with one another.
When you have a deep enough connection with him
and when your love is strong enough,
you too can overcome anything.
Any news, any challenge that you're facing.
And it takes time for that to develop.
Now, if you have the Relevance
and if you have the Respect with one another,
chances are you've got some Roots developing,
and you wanna know
that your connection and your love is strong enough
to withstand any news that you share.
So if it's relevant to the relationship,
if he's already demonstrated enough respect
and earned your trust,
and the two of you have roots,
that's the right time to share
your most vulnerable information in the relationship.
But that's not always when the topic comes up.
Sometimes that topic comes up early.
So what can you say,
if the topic comes up too early,
you don't wanna talk about it,
you don't wanna share that information.
So instead of just not saying anything and making him think
that there might be something worse than really the truth
or that you're trying to avoid it all together
what can you say?
So I'm gonna share with you a framework
for how to phrase whatever it is that you wanna say.
But first, as I said before,
you wanna have the right mindset
which is you don't owe him any information.
He's got to earn this information.
That's so important.
And then when you do have this conversation,
address it head on and own your own worth,
own your own standard of saying,
"Look, I wanna see how you respond to what I'm about to say
to know whether or not I wanna move forward with you."
So here's the framework.
You honor his question,
give a top of the wave high-level answer
that addresses the question
and then you challenge him with the standard that says,
"look, if this turns into something special,
then I will share it with you."
So you give him something to earn
and then you refocus his attention on the present moment
and what you two are creating together.
So here's how that would look in Cheryl's example.
Cheryl would say, "You know what?
That's a really good question.
The father's not in our life,
and it's a personal situation for me.
So if this turns into something special
that you and I both wanna pursue,
then I'd be happy to share it with you.
But for now, let's just focus on you and me."
Boom, brilliant!
I love that for several reasons.
Number one, he knows the father isn't in your life.
You're not avoiding the question.
You're challenging him to say,
look if this develops into something that is special
that we both wanna pursue, then it becomes relevant,
then you will share that information.
And then she redirects his mind to say
let's focus on you and me
and creating that something special right here
and right now.
That is brilliant. That is powerful.
When I shared this information with Cheryl
she felt like a thousand pound boulder
had been lifted from her shoulders.
She was like, "Oh my gosh,
I feel so good about going on dates.
Now I know what to say."
So I hope you feel the same thing,
that you have your own power
that no matter what's happened in your past
you have a framework for how to share that information
in a way that feels good to you,
honors and respects the question that he's asking,
and moves the two of you forward.
My question for you is:
What have you found to be great ways
to share personal information
that you're not ready to share,
when that question gets asked too early?
Go ahead and post that in the comment section below
and know this,
this is all in service of allowing even more love
into our lives and giving that love in our lives.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
(upbeat music)