From the studio dumb enough to sell their Marvel franchise rights to Disney
comes yet another movie that only exists to set up The Avengers.
Captain America: The First Avenger
So stand tall for a superhero movie with an important message:
It’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Except for when it comes to fighting,
or being respected,
"Look at that.
He's making me cry."
or getting laid.
"Women aren't exactly linin' up to dance with a guy they might step on."
Meet Johnny Storm, the Human Torch --
Wait, no, that's the wrong movie.
Meet Steve Rodgers, a grown man’s head CGI’d onto a little boy’s body.
He’s a skinny kid from Brooklyn who dresses like it’s the 1940’s.
So basically a modern day kid from Brooklyn.
Watch as he becomes a superhero in the most American way possible:
steroids.
"How do you feel?"
"Taller."
Aaaaaaabs.
He’ll juice up to become Captain America, a soldier with the powers of...
Being a little bit stronger than a regular strong guy,
Ultimate frisbee,
And, umm, super sobriety?
“I can’t get drunk”
Forget Tony’s ridiculous 3D holograms, return to an analogue world full of
lever pulling,
switch flipping,
button pushing,
dial turning,
and people calling out percentages with absolutely no context.
"That's 10%."
"That's 70%."
"That's 50%."
"20%."
"That's 40%."
"60."
"30."
"60."
"80."
"40."
"90."
"That's 100%!"
Ride along with Captain America as he faces off against the evil Red Skull,
Who along with everyone else in sci-fi and fantasy is played by Hugo Weaving.
Cheer as the Captain defeats his legendary arch-nemesis
in a brisk 2 minute montage.
All to leave more time for
Foreshadowing
The Avengers,
Introducing the plot device from
The Avengers,
Unnecessarily freezing himself so he can be in
The Avengers,
And an after credits scene that is literally a trailer for
The Avengers.
Starring...
The 90 Year Old Virgin
Tommy Lee Groans
One Face Two Face Red Face Ew Face
German Capote
Dr. Strangelove
The Winter Spoiler
Agent Love Interest
and Robert Downey Sr.
Captain America: The First Avenger...'s trailer.
Raiders of the Lost Ark did it better.
Just sayin'.
Hey Screen Junkies, can't get enough of my buttery voice?
Then check out Honest Game Trailers over on Smosh Games.
How's that for a slice of fried gold?