Let's get into tonight's show,
and the start of week two
of the Donald Trump Presidency.
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around the world.
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on travelers from seven mostly Muslim countries.
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Is this the America that we believe in?
CROWD: No!
-Is this liberty? -CROWD: No!
Do you understand how insane this is?
People in the airport were pissed,
and it's not because they're at the airport.
Welcome to Trump's America.
That's how bad "The Donald" is.
No matter how bad the situation you're in,
Donald Trump can always make it worse.
Like, there could be people trapped in an earthquake
and still they'd be going, "Ah, ah.
"I can't believe Donald Trump's new policies.
(yells)
That guy was the lucky one."
(laughter)
It's official, people,
this weekend, Trump signed an executive order
putting his so-called Muslim ban in to effect.
And I know most of you already know what's in it,
but just for the one person who doesn't understand it fully,
let's take the time to explain what the ban means.
-Hey, Donald. -♪ ♪
I know you don't actually write
or read any of those boring papers,
so let me explain to you what you did.
You banned everyone from seven Muslim countries
from entering the United States.
Even though you said your ban
was to protect America from outside threats,
that ban included people with green cards.
It even seemed to include dual citizens
of Canada or Britain,
or any other country you didn't plan to ban,
you silly billy.
Now go back to watching CNN.
Go back, go back, go back, go back.
By the way, this is just real quick.
This guy who was banned from the U.K.,
his name is Zahawi, all right?
And he was a politician who, in the U.K.,
used to tweet about Brexit.
And he was like, "We need our country back.
We need to protect our borders, Brexit."
And then this weekend, he was like,
"America won't let me in because I'm a foreigner.
"How can Donald Trump do this?"
Hmm?
Comes around, baby. Comes around.
(cheers and applause)
Now, now because Donald Trump put this thing together
with all the consideration of a drunken Vegas wedding,
it's no surprise that it ended with devastated families.
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including this 5-year-old boy.
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she was forced to leave, even though she holds
an H-1B Visa for workers in specialty occupations.
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He had helped the U.S. military
for ten years in Iraq as an interpreter.
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planned to make their move to the U.S. yesterday,
his family given the visa, because he risked his life
working with the U.S. government.
I don't know what to do because I sold my house.
I quit my job.
Now, if ever there's a story of being screwed over,
it's this.
A man risked his and his family's life
to help America's efforts in Iraq,
and now he's being turned away?
He can't go home.
He sold his house.
He quit his job.
And also, 'cause anyone going out like that,
you know he burned a few bridges on the way out.
Like, no one's leaving Iraq
coming to America without making a show.
He was probably like, "Malik. Who's going to America?
"Not you. Boom.
Who's out? I'm out."
(humming "The Star Spangled Banner")
"I'm out of here."
He can't go back.
Now, one of the advantages of being president
is that you get to decide foreign policy
without consulting anyone. I understand that's a perk.
But only a Trump administration would fail to inform itself
as to what was going on.
Sources told our Homeland Security reporter
that senior-level officials at DHS
did not have meaningful warning of the details.
Homeland Security scrambled to understand and enforce it.
John McCain and Lindsey Graham say they're caught off guard.
Exclusion of General Mattis.
No guidance provided to Customs and Border Protection.
What kind of a slapdash, arts-and-crafts administration
are these fools running? Think about it,
even the border officials, even the border officials
didn't understand the ban.
They had to enforce it, and they didn't understand it.
They were probably asking the refugees to help them.
They're just like, "Hey, do-do you know what this means?
Do you know what it means?" And the guy was like, "Uh, yeah,
"I think it means you should be sending me back
even though I have correct paperwork."
"I just... I know it sound... It just feels a little draconian.
I don't want to seem like an asshole."
"Hey, don't worry. We all have jobs, my friend.
"Your job, your job is to enforce an irrational ban.
"My job is to go home and die.
Huh? We all have jobs."
Now, if you're wondering where President Trump was
when airports around the country were in chaos...
Right now, on the schedule for the president,
he is hosting a family screening of
in the White House theater.
"Shh!
"Don't disturb me!
"I don't care what's happening at the airports.
"I'm watching a movie about families being separated!
It's hilarious!
Shut up!"
Who is this man? And, by the way,
who hasn't watched
It's 2017!
This man is not fit to be president!
-Not fit! -(cheering and applause)
(exhales)
To comment on President Trump's immigration bla... ban,
please welcome Hasan Minhaj, everybody!
(cheering and applause)
I'm sorry, Hasan. I'm just... I'm...
Like, right now, I can't even talk.
I can't even imagine what it's like to all of a sudden have
the United States label Muslims as inherently threatening, man.
(chuckles) I'm not surprised.
You know, in the past, America has had lots of issues
with Muslims and immigration.
You know, President Carter banned Iranians,
Bush built a registry of immigrants
from 24 Muslim countries,
Obama suspended refugees from Iraq.
But Trump is taking this thing to a whole new level.
I mean, those other presidents were just dipping their toes
in the pool. Now Trump straight-up did a cannonball
and then felt up the lifeguard.
And, by the way, shout-outs to all my Republican friends
who promised me Trump would never do this.
I don't think any of the people who are screaming
at the top of their lungs thinks for a moment that, uh,
that is a literal...
uh, that a literal interpretation would be Muslims.
That's not a real proposal. It's not...
it's not something that's going to happen.
I don't think you can take a lot of that seriously.
He's not gonna ban all Muslims.
What the (bleep)?
So we
Well, Hasan, Hasan, technically,
technically, uh, you're a citizen,
so this ban doesn't affect you.
Yet!
We're on day 11, man!
That's it!
Where do you think this is gonna go?!
It's like watching the first episode of
thinking, "Oh, it's just a science teacher cooking meth.
It can't get any crazier."
But it does.
Well, Has-Hasan, now-now, jokes aside--
and this is... this is completely true--
-you actually flew into JFK Airport this weekend, -I was.
uh, as Trump's executive order was being implemented.
That is correct. And I was scared
-that I wouldn't be allowed back in. -Wow.
Where-where were you flying in from? Were you flying from Iran,
Iraq or Syria or...?
Sacramento, California,
the Syria of the West.
(laughing): I mean...
No. I mean... No, jokes aside though.
On-on the real, on the real though, like,
you're a Muslim person. You're seeing this happening,
You must really hate President Trump right now.
Well, actually, Trevor, I'm not sure.
Nah, 'cause, usually, being a Muslim in an airport sucks,
but, this weekend, it was like I was
I mean, I land at JFK, I get... I get to the arrivals section.
Literally, three white people run up to me,
hug me, and say, "Thank you for being Muslim."
I'm 31 years old.
That's the first time anyone has thanked me for being Muslim.
And-and what did you... what did you say to them?
I said what any Muslim would say to them in that situation.
"Do you know where Baggage Claim 5 is?"
But how can I hate Trump right now?
H-How do you do it? Just look at what he's done at the airport.
White women were turning their scarves into hijabs.
Muslims were publicly praying,
and people were cheering them on!
Do you understand? Muslims publicly praying
at the airport!
Think about how crazy this is!
-(cheering and applause) -Because of Donald Trump,
people were being nice at the airport!
Here's the beautiful irony.
For years, Donald Trump has been terrified
about the spread of Islam in America.
Well, congratulations, Mr. President.
-Mission accomplished. -(laughter)
Thank you, Hasan. Hasan Minhaj, everybody!