(upbeat electric guitar music)
- From the Edinburgh Fringe Festival
it's Set List: Stand Up Without a Net!
Comedians from around the world are coming on stage
and they're gonna rip on topics we gave them.
Zero preparation.
Making comedy out of thin air
for your suggested pleasure.
- Please welcome to the stage
brand new, never seen before Set List from Sara Pascoe!
(applause) (crowd cheers)
- Thank you very much! Thank you very much!
Hello. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
(crowd chuckles)
I think I went somewhere in Italy.
(crowd laughs)
I definitely got off the plane
and when I came back I smelled of pizza.
But
can't tell you anything that happened.
I mean I had some souvenirs
and I tried to put them together
to see where I might have been.
Some incense,
a large stash of hardcore pornography,
and a hat.
That could've been anywhere in Italy.
(crowd laughs)
(applause)
I hate competitions.
I think they ruin a lot of things that could just be fun.
That you could just do for the enjoyment of it.
'Cause you care.
Because it stretches you,
and 'cause you get off on it.
And then,
someone comes along and says,
but are you the best at that?
'Cause we've got (crowd laughs)
a shortlist of the people we think are the best.
And you're not on it.
And then you think,
well I'm sure good at something else.
I'll go and see a soothsayer
in Romford.
And
they say to you
the thing that you are best at
is something that you've never tried.
And I said okay, carry on, what's that?
And they say you are amazing at f*cking the dead.
(crowd laughs)
Is it hard?
They said yes, the body is,
with rigor mortis. (crowd laughs)
And you have to be very gentle.
Things snap off.
And also because of decomposition.
If you touch the body at the wrong place
it looks like it comes back to life.
And expunges all kinds of awful gasses.
So actually you're highly skilled.
And I thought well this is fantastic but,
how can I let everybody else know how brilliant I am?
I know what I'll do.
I'll get every country in the world together
and make some medals out of yogurt pots,
and we'll have a race.
There's different categories.
There's tenderness.
There is
(crowd laughs)
speed to orgasm.
And then there is
who left the most dignified corpse.
And (crowd laughs)
that does require some tact
and some tenderness
where there is a crossover.
Usually people are going to prove those ones.
(crowd laughs)
And
I was the only person who turned up
so I won and that soothsayer was right.
And now I'm world champion.
(crowd cheers)
Right.
Call it what you'd like but it's disappointing.
(crowd laughs)
and it doesn't help that you emphasized it.
(crowd laughs)
I'm not talking about it anymore.
It's too upsetting.
(crowd laughs)
Now
even if you're homeless
sometimes people walk by
and you don't like them.
(crowd laughs)
And why should, just because your home is
the exterior parts of the world,
should you not enjoy the privileges that we all enjoy.
Like cellars,
lofts,
gardens,
and trap doors for enemies.
If you give just £4 a month
(crow laughs)
I will build a small trap door
next to every homeless person that sleeps in the same place
for more than three days.
That's my guarantee.
The downside of this is
evil homeless people.
(crowd laughs)
Because they'll just be using it
with everyone who doesn't buy the biggest shoe.
Oh didn't look me in the eye.
Oh think I'm a bin bag.
(crowd laughs)
And then
there'll be a subterranean race
of the evil people that the homeless people didn't like.
They will gang together as subcultures tend to do
and probably then fight back with the homeless people
in amazing battle.
For just £4 a month.
Thank you very much, good night.
(crowd cheers) (upbeat electric guitar music)
(metallic piano music)