(crowd cheering) Thanks for coming, Jack!
Thank you for having me.
Nice to have you on the program!
You know, I never say this.
I don't use a lot of showbiz lingo
'cause technically I'm not in show business.
But everybody is talking about you
in this movie High Fidelity.
You've got what they call in Hollywood heat right now.
There's a buzz going.
Well I think they're talking about my butt crack.
I showed some butt crack in the movie.
And I noticed there's a lot of butt crack
in the show tonight,
so maybe you're trying to steal some of my heat!
(laughing)
I'm gonna get my crack insured by Lloyd's of London.
(laughing)
That's so sad if we're trying to steal
your butt crack heat.
I know.
But that's what we're trying to do.
You know, let me ask you tonight,
I was talking to you before the show.
You mentioned you're a basketball fan.
Yeah, I'm a huge...
Well it just doesn't seem like we can lose.
The Lakers are just unstoppable.
(crowd booing)
(Conan laughing)
No the thing is, I like-- You forgot what coast
you were on.
It would be awesome if we had Knicks Lakers finals!
'Cause we would kick your ass!
Two times!
No, seriously, the Lakes,
it's because you guys have a great coach,
but you don't have Phil Jackson, baby,
with the ancient mind control
with the Indian new-shy!
But I like your coach. What are you talking about?
Your coach, when he was separating the guys in the fight,
he was like, oh!
(laughing) (crowd applauding)
And it was awesome because he had cohones
to get between those dudes.
Yeah, and his hair looked really cool, and yeah.
Did--
I'm winded from that little escapade
I just went through.
Just try and relax. Okay.
I worry about you, I don't want anything to happen to you.
Yeah that's good, that's good. Thank you.
So you're in town with Tenacious D.
Yes.
You guys are having a good time in the Big Apple?
You enjoying this city?
Well, I was, but then now I'm a little freaked out.
I lost my wallet yesterday, I left it in the cab.
And as soon as I got out of the cab,
I was like oh no no, wait, wait!
(whistles) Waving, freaking, the guy's driving, no, no!
Two blocks I was running and then I called my mom.
In an emergency, I always call my mom.
And I was like what do I do?
She said, two things, cancel the credit cards,
but now that you're a celebrity, you have to go
and file a report with the police
because they can not only steal my money,
they can steal my actual identity
and take my ID and go to Prada and say, I'm Jack Black,
just give me some shoes and some.
(crowd laughing)
What is your mom talking about?
I don't know, I didn't think it sounded right, but.
Is she okay?
She was saying someone could be sleeping
with my girlfriend, someone could be doing my movies.
Right, yeah.
She's, huh?
I don't know.
Now, you make eight weird faces a second,
I've noticed about you. Yeah,
it's just a little nervous tick.
I've never done one of these things before.
You mean, hit TV show?
Exactly. (crowd laughing)
Check!
Something's been bothering me a little bit.
Something on your mind, what's the problem?
Well the word on the street is that Andy's bailing
on the show, is that true?
He's taking off, yeah. Because if he is,
the thing is. (crowd groaning)
Yeah? Upgrade time!
Upgrade time!
Check it out.
What are you talking about? I jut want you to see
some of my techniques, my sidekick kick ass techniques.
Wait wait, are you pitching yourself?
I made a video tape. As the replacement for Andy?
Yes I am!
Check out, I made an audition tape.
You made an audition tape!
Yeah. You've gone through
a lot of trouble, haven't you?
I gave it to the dudes in the back,
and if we could watch it-- We don't have any dudes
in the back. (crowd laughing)
We have a highly skilled technical team.
They're awesome. I fired all the dudes.
(crowd laughing) with their pimp caps.
I just want you to, (crowd laughing)
I just want you to get a little taste
of what I could offer, no offense.
Hey, none taken, dude!
I think you've got some chops,
but I'll take you to school.
Two times!
(crowd laughing)
Let's sit back--
I thought maybe you were gonna bring Phil Jackson in here!
Nah, that would scare me.
Mind control.
Did I bring the west coast, the whole thing!
Let's see, I wanna see the Jack Black sidekick
audition tape, can we roll this please?
[Jack Voiceover] Okay, here's me listening.
Notice how interested I am.
Really?
Right!
Now way, continue.
Come again?
I'm getting this down.
Slow down, slow down!
Right!
(laughs) Right.
[Jack Voiceover] Now watch what happens
when the guest makes a wise crack.
Oh my god, that is the funniest joke!
(laughing awkwardly)
[Jack Voiceover] Now watch what I do
when Conan tops the guest's wise apple!
(laughing hysterically)
Oh my gosh, Conan, you're even funnier
than the guy!
(crows laughing)
[Jack Voiceover] I can laugh so hard,
that I get a nosebleed.
(coughing)
Now watch what happens when the guest tells a sad story.
No, that's so sad.
Oh, no.
Oh, Conan, that's horrible!
Oh no, Conan, no!
No!
God, why?
Why?
[Jack Voiceover] Now watch how I respond
when a guest insults you, Conan.
Now hold up.
What did you just say about Conan?
Now he's a tall what?
He's a skinny beanpole freak what?
No no, no you finish your insult!
Mr. Days of our Lives!
That's it, come on Rosie.
Ring around the rosie.
(imitating weapons swinging)
[Jack Voiceover] And all the payback I'd want, Conan,
is just an occasional spotlight to emote.
(guitar strumming)
♪ I'm the sidekick ♪
♪ I'm the go to guy ♪
♪ Watching the back of my buddy Conan ♪
♪ Making sure that it's all good ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm the sidekick ♪
♪ At the end of the couch ♪
♪ When you kick me, I say ouch ♪
♪ When you kick me ♪
♪ I say ouch ♪
(crowd applauding)
Nice.
Pretty good.
That's just a taste.
Just a taste of what's coming, huh?
That's the tip of the iceberg.
All right, well you know what,
it was so cool to have you here.
Thank you. Really funny stuff, Jack.
We'll take a break, folks.
When we come back, Elliot Smith will be here.
Jack Black, everybody!
(crowd cheering)
♪ I'm the sidekick ♪
♪ I'm the go to guy ♪
♪ Watching the back of my buddy Conan ♪
♪ Making sure that it's all good ♪
♪ Sidekick ♪
♪ At the end of the couch ♪
♪ When you ♪