( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
GOOD TO SEE Y'ALL.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING OVER THERE?
GOOD TO SEE THE WHOLE BAND AGAIN.
I MISS YOU GUYS WHEN YOU AREN'T AROUND.
SOME PART OF MY SOUL IS NOT FULFILLED WITH THE BEAUTIFUL
JAZZ YOU'RE PLAYING EVERY NIGHT OVER THERE.
>> Jon: WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
>> Stephen: I'M TALKING TO ADAM SCHIFF.
LAST TIME HE WAS HERE, WAS IN 2019, WHEN HE WAS LEADING THE
IMPEACHMENT OF THE PRESIDENT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE MORE -- THAT'S BEEN TWO
IMPEACHMENTS.
ONE MORE AND THIS THEY GIVE SCHIFF A FREE HOAGIE, I THINK.
( APPLAUSE ) HE'LL BE HERE TO TALK ABOUT
THAT.
ANYWAY, STICK AROUND FOR THAT.
IT'S GOING TO BE HOT!
FOLKS, EVEN THOUGH WE'RE STILL DEALING WITH COVID
FOLKS ARE STARTING TO DO THINGS IN PERSON AGAIN.
BROADWAY SHOWS, LATE NIGHT TAPINGS --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WE'RE NOT THE ONLY
ONES BACK DOING LIVE EVENTS.
SO IS GOOP FOUNDER, LIFESTYLE GURU, AND PAINTING WHOSE EYES
FOLLOW YOUR WALLET AROUND THE ROOM, GWYNETH PALTROW.
ANY GOOP-STRONAUTS WATCHING WILL BE THRILLED TO KNOW THAT GWYNETH
HAS ANNOUNCED THAT NEXT MONTH, SHE'S BRINGING BACK GOOP'S LIVE,
IN-PERSON WELLNESS SUMMIT: "IN GOOP HEALTH".
IT'S A PLAY ON IN "GOOD" HEALTH, THE SAME WAY EVERYTHING GOOP
SELLS IS A PLAY ON SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU.
HERE'S A TASTE OF WHAT GOOP SUMMITTERS CAN EXPERIENCE:
>> IN GOOP HEALTH IS BACK WITH OUR FIRST IN-PERSON SUMMIT IN A
LONG TIME.
WE DREAMED THIS ONE UP WITH SOME VERY SPECIAL THOUGHT LEADERS.
AS ALWAYS, THERE WILL BE WORKSHOPS, CONVERSATIONS
COMMUNITY, AND GOOD FOOD.
BUT THIS TIME, WE'RE ALSO GONNA TRY SOMETHING NEW.
SEE YA THERE!
>> STEPHEN: GOT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) SO THE NEW TWIST IS
POWER-SLIDING A PORSCHE CARRERA THROUGH WHAT APPEARS TO
BE THE BLOOD OF THE LESS FORTUNATE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S FUN.
IT LOOKS REALLY FUN.
( LAUGHTER ) GWYNETH EXPLAINED THE PORSCHE
TIE-IN, SAYING: >> "WE WANT TO CONNECT WITH AND
EXPERIENCE PLEASURE IN OUR BODIES.
WE WANT TO FEEL IT ALL.
WHICH IS WHY WE'RE TEAMING UP WITH PORSCHE."
WOAH, I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
LADIES, NO MATTER WHAT, DO NOT LET GWYNETH PALTROW TALK YOU
INTO VALET PARKING A PORSCHE IN YOUR VAGINA.
( LAUGHTER ) IN ADDITION TO PAYING TO BE IN A
CAR COMMERCIAL, GOOPSTERS WILL ALSO ATTEND BREAKOUT SESSIONS ON
SUBJECTS LIKE, "CULTIVATING CREATIVITY," "GETTING THE LOVE
YOU WANT," AND "FINDING PURPOSE THROUGH ASTROLOGY."
AND IF THAT SOUNDS LIKE CRAP TO YOU,
YOU'RE SUCH A TAURUS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU'LL ALSO GET TO HEAR FROM GWYNETH HERSELF, AS SHE LEADS
"CONVERSATIONS WITH BRIGHT MINDS WHO ARE PUSHING THE CULTURE
FORWARD" AND WILL "COVER A LOT OF GROUND WITH THE PEOPLE WHO
ARE REDEFINING AND MOVING THE NEEDLE," "WITH THE INTENTION OF
ENGAGING WITH OUR DREAMS IN NEW WAYS."
OR, TO PUT THAT IN A SIMPLER WAY: SHE'S RECENTERING YOUR
CHAKRAL PULSE POINTS BY SYNERGIZING YOUR INTERNAL
MOONSCAPE WITH YOUR CRYSTAL HEALTH POTENTIAL, SO AS TO
BETTER FOCUS ON THE HEURISTIC SIPHONING OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND ENGAGING WITH YOUR DREAMS IN NEW WAYS AIN'T CHEAP.
A GENERAL SUMMIT PASS COSTS $1000, WHILE A V.I.P. SUMMIT
PASS COSTS $1,450, BUT INCLUDES ADDITIONAL PERKS LIKE "AN ASK ME
ANYTHING SESSION" WITH GWYNETH.
( SOFT MUSIC ) >> BAROQUE SIMPLICITY, SHABBY
ELEGANCE, GIVE ME MONEY.
COVET-TOWNHOUSE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO SUMMIT-TON: YOU KNOW
OUR MOTTO: PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG AND NO ONE GETS HURT.
WE AT SUMMIT-TON THINK ASTROLOGY IS FOR RUBES.
INSTEAD, WE'RE OFFERING SEMINARS LIKE, "CREATIVELY CULTIVATING
CREATIVITY CULTIVATION," "GETTING THE LOVE YOU CRAVE BY
BUYING MERCH," AND "DEFINING YOUR ENTIRE PERSONALITY THROUGH
BULLET JOURNALING."
THESE SEMINARS REDEFINE PUSHING THE INTENTION-GROUND AND ENGAGE
THE NEEDLE IN NEW DREAMS.
NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANT?
WELL, TAKE IT UP WITH YOUR BULLET JOURNAL.
AND GOOP MAY BE OFFERING HAIRPIN CORNER TOKYO DRIFTING IN A
MAXED-OUT PORSCHE BUT THIS YEAR'S SUMMIT-TON IS
TRYING SOMETHING NEW, SO IT WILL BE HELD AT THE STAPLES CENTER IN
PARTNERSHIP WITH "TRUCKPOCALYPSE!!!"
THE WEST COAST'S HIGHEST MORTALITY MONSTER TRUCK DERBY.
CONNECT WITH YOUR BODY AND FEEL ALL OF IT BEING RUN OVER BY THE
GRAVEDIGGER.
ALL OF THIS AND NOT MORE CAN BE YOURS FOR THE LOW, HIGH PRICE OF
$8,000.
UNLESS YOU WANT THE SUMMIT-TON VIP PASS, WHICH COSTS $80,000
AND INCLUDES A TELL ME ANYTHING SESSION WITH STEPHEN
COLBERT.
SPECIFICALLY, YOUR ROUTING NUMBER, YOUR SOCIAL, AND YOUR
MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME.
( APPLAUSE ) SO JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO JOIN US AT SUMMITON HOUSE,
WHERE WE GUARANTEE BETTER HEALTH, OR YOUR MONEY IS STILL
OURS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
CONGRESSMAN ADAM SCHIFF.