In today's video, I'm going to be talking about a single skill that I hone in on with
clients that totally shifts their results with men and the way men respect them. I'll see you
right after this.
[Music playing]
So October is Mental Health Month. And if you don't already know all the videos I'm doing
this month are in support of mental health and mental health awareness and not just you bettering
your relationships. So BetterHelp an incredible company, they've got over 11,000 counselors. They
do a phenomenal job, helping people all around the world. They have come on board to support all the
videos this month and to support me in creating content for you. So I'm very grateful for that.
And remember, if you need help, if you're struggling out here,
just ask for it, right? There's no shame in doing so, book in a consult with BetterHelp. It's low
cost and it's high investment in yourself. And I can't tell you how grateful I am for
the investments I've made in this area. Okay, so let's talk about a skill that is
not only going to improve your mental health. It's going to reduce your anxiety is going to get
the guys to respect you. And it's going to improve your relationships. The skill is the C word.
Can you guess what it is? It's the one that makes all of us flinch - confrontation. Okay, so to
demonstrate why this is so important, I've got Woody and I've got his girlfriend, Greeny. Now,
any person you interact with in your life, whether it's an acquaintance or an intimate partner,
they're going to move about your life and interact with you. And there's going to be places where you
cross. The thing is you can't know where someone's boundaries are, where all of their boundaries are
before they've been spoken about. Imagine you have a roommate who moves into your house,
and you don't even realize that they love playing electric guitar at 11:00 PM at night.
It just didn't come up. And it's not until you're trying to fall asleep
and they're playing the guitar in the next room that you realize you've had a crossover. Well,
that can happen a lot in life. And especially when you've got an intimate partner, there's
all sorts of opportunities for boundaries to cross over where you didn't even realize each other had
one. So to demonstrate these areas, I'm going to put these little, little circles around each
of them. All right, so these circles represent the boundaries for each individual. Now, as I say, you
can't necessarily know where someone's boundaries are because you can't have spoken about every
boundary before they've come up. But every single human being you interact with has boundaries.
You just don't necessarily know where they are. So as you're living your life, you've got these
invisible boundaries. And eventually, just by being together, just by in the same room,
being in the same place, they hit, right? So one person's, "Oh, you're playing guitar at
11 at night? And I don't want you playing guitar at 11 at night." "Oh, you want to
just have sleepovers. And I want real dates." At some point, those boundaries will cross.
Now, at that very important point, one of two things will happen. Either, one,
Greeny who's had her boundaries crossed will speak up to Woody has now hit them. Or number two,
Greeny will not speak up, and Woody will start to increasingly encroach on Greeny's boundaries,
and Greeny will get resentful. Now, why is this important for confrontation?
Well, confrontation is simply the point where two people's boundaries meet. And the cool part
is if you speak up about the boundaries at that point, if you have confrontation,
what actually happens is that you learn a little more about that person, right?
So if Greeny speaks up here, Greeny says, "Hey, actually, Woody, I've got a boundary there."
And Woody says, "Oh, I didn't realize. Here is my boundary." As they now live their lives again,
separately, moving around, they have a little more information about each other. So you can see what
conflict does is it reveals where those boundaries cross, and it allows them to know more about each
other. If there is no conflict, if Greeny does not speak up, then not only does Greeny get resentful,
but Woody and Greeny have less information about each other, and they are therefore less intimate.
In other words, conflict is what allows them to build intimacy. It reveals boundaries. It
reveals truth, and it allows both to be more authentic. I hope that little demo, gives you
the importance of confrontation and conflict and how good confrontation, healthy confrontation
actually builds intimacy. So how do you improve this skill? Well, number one,
you want to focus on confrontation, something as simple as sitting your mind onto this art
moves the universe towards improving your skill at this, right?
Whatever you focus on is going to grow bigger. Whatever you say, I want to be good at that's
something the universe is going to go, "All right, I guess we're putting focus on this."
Your subconscious brain starts to process ways to do it better. So the very first thing you can do
is super simple is instead of moving away from confrontation, which so many of us do, I know
I certainly did growing up is starting to really think, "Okay, how can I put this as a skill that
I want to get better at? How can I have this at the forefront of my mind and therefore have this
as something that I'm constantly improving on?"
Number two is change the meaning of confrontation.
So if I say confrontation is _____, what do you think? What goes in your head? Confrontation
is scary. Confrontation is uncomfortable. Maybe confrontation is anger. Change the way you
think about confrontation. What if confrontation is growth? What if confrontation is intimacy?
What if confrontation is boundaries? What if confrontation is a representation of how healthy
and close a couple can be, not only focusing on confrontation, but really shifting the way and the
words you associate with it, these will all start to change your relationship with confrontation
and allow you to improve this vital relationship skill.
Number three is role-play confrontation.
So grab a friend, hire a coach. If you want to use one of the BetterHelp counselors, I'm sure they'll
do it with you too. Role-play the confrontation and even the responses that you're worried about.
So tell the person you're role playing with, "Hey, I'm really worried about this person
playing on my guilt or playing on my empathy or gaslighting me," and then have them practice that
with you when you get good at confrontation. And when you've energetically felt that in your
body, practice in your body, you're going to be so much better at it when it comes to speaking up with a man.
Number four, and this is a little bit deeper. This might be something again,
you work on with a counselor. Check the link in the description is addressing your inner
child before confrontation. So many clients I work with, and maybe you've experienced this, as a kid,
your confrontation was either non-existent you either weren't allowed it at all,
or you had confrontation used against you. So you might've seen some really unhealthy
examples of confrontation. All of these mean that when we go into confrontation as an adult,
the five-year-old within all of us says, "No, I'm terrified. Don't want to do that." And by
stopping it and listening to the younger you, by relating to your inner child, relating to that
experience, you'll actually reduce your anxiety. You'll tend to that and then you, as the adult can
go in and play out some firm relaxed boundaries in confrontation. So that's a really powerful way to
reduce confrontation, anxiety, and be better at it as an adult.
Simple tip number five, don't apologize after confrontation.
Again, this relates back to what a lot of us had to do as kids, which is,
"Oh, if we upset people, we had to immediately apologize for it to bring harmony back"
and don't follow that temptation. Just sit with the discomfort after confrontation.
Just, just sit with it. Don't act on it. Allow yourself to feel whatever you
need to feel. Discomfort. Maybe you feel really proud of yourself, but whatever you need to feel,
don't go apologizing after confrontation. Of course, if you feel you've done something,
if you've violated someone's boundaries severely, if you've, if you've
done a severe version of that, you can. But overall, just understand that it's okay
to sit with confrontation. It's okay to sit with a disconnect after it. And
especially if you're speaking up on your needs, if you're speaking up your truth,
that's not something you want to be apologizing for.
Number six is make imperfect confrontation a win.
So what I mean by that is at the end of the day, we kind of all, we all check in ourselves.
If we see ourselves as an honest person, we check in, "Well have I been honest this day?"
If I see myself as a productive person, we judge ourselves on how productive we've been.
If I see myself as a hardworking person or a relaxed person or whatever it is, a loving person,
we check in on how loving we've been, right? We do this without even realizing it. It's comparing
ourselves to our values at the end of the day. But one of the things about getting good at
confrontation is that it might go against some of your old values. So if you judge
yourself on how perfect you've been, if you judge yourself on how "caring" you've been or
how loving you've been throughout the day, some of these values can conflict with confrontation.
That is to say, if you're judging yourself on have I been loving all day?
And you say, "Well, I want to get good at confrontation."
Those two can clash. You're going to say, "Well, I wasn't loving because I created confrontation."
So I want to say, make confrontation a win. What I mean is that even if you don't do confrontation
well, but even if you don't do it that well, you create some conflict, appreciate yourself for it.
If you really want to be good at confrontation, you have to be okay with being clunky for a while
and you have to be okay with ruffling a few feathers, creating some conflict and only by
letting go of perfectionism, by letting go of I have to get it right, or I have to be perfect or
I have to be loving, caring all the time. You're going to have to let go of some of that at the
end of the day and reward yourself instead for being more confrontational and speaking up.
So I hope this is a start for you to improve your relationship with confrontation.
I really do advise asking for help if you need it with your mental health. This just working on
confrontation will be a big boost to your mental health. And if you want more help, don't forget
BetterHelp are helping with all the videos this month, supporting them, and you can get a consult
with them from the link in the description below. Master confrontation, put it at the
forefront of your mind and appreciate it for what it is--an opportunity to build intimacy.
When confrontation is healthy, it really will make men respect you and improve
your relationships. Thanks for watching! And I'll see you in the next video very soon.