I was so
tired and I was so downtrodden and broken.
And I felt like I needed a break and I couldn't get one.
So I felt like it was the only way out.
A lot of my wanting
to hurt myself is just from I don't know how to reach out for help.
I need you to be there for me.
But I don't know how to ask. And I'm afraid to ask.
And I need you to realize how serious it is.
[deep breath]
It felt impossible to tell my dad I had an issue,
because I thought his love was dependent on how perfect I was.
He wouldn't love me if I needed things.
He wouldn't love me if I was broken.
I started going to school in old, dirty clothes.
I mean,
I wouldn't brush my teeth.
I would sleep. I wouldn't do my homework. And
my dad didn't notice.
I mean, also, he didn't know what to look out for.
A lot of these warning signs can just be seen as lazy,
and it can prompt anger instead of support.
I think that's the issue with reaching out for help.
There's just that fear that you won't be taken seriously,
that you'll be seen as dramatic. Especially
if you're having these motivation issues,
it can be seen as a way to get out of your responsibilities.
The day I tried to kill myself,
it kind of all sparked from just an unpleasant
bus ride.
[sigh]
Me and my best friend were having some issues and
when I was walking on the bus, a teenage boy
made some comments about my body. And it just
hurt.
When you are being
eroded emotionally, one of these looks,
one of these comments can be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
I went home and
my dad, I was crying and he just ...
he wasn't saying the things I needed him to say.
And I stormed off crying and he didn't come after me. And
all of that extrapolated to a suicide attempt
in my room, feeling alone and unloved and uncared for.
It doesn't matter
how great of a parent you are, your kids are going to struggle
with something, and it's important not to take that personally.
It doesn't mean you're a bad parent.
It's almost impossible to look at a child who wants to kill themselves
and not think, "Where did I go wrong?"
And obviously, that's the wrong way to look at it.
But I can't blame a parent for thinking that way.
I mean,
when I was struggling,
I wish my parents validated my pain through
getting me help
instead of just giving a hug and saying it's going to be fine.
At a certain point,
it's not about a child being in a bad mood.
It's about having a mood disorder.
Even when you see your child is struggling
and you try to reach out and they're just not responding.
The important part is just to stay at it.
I mean, what you really have to do is just be super
consistent and loving and
just stay at it no matter what.
Don't give up on your kid.
But if you are seeing your child struggle to the point where they are self-harming
and they are having suicidal idealization and they go weeks feeling depressed,
you need to just go right ahead and bring them to a professional.
I got the help
I needed through not just one thing, but the culmination
of all of these different kinds
of therapies, going through inpatient and intensive outpatient,
and having a therapist and having support at school.
I mean, all of this together has made everything so much more bearable.
But a lot of my healing started when I just started
being closer with my dad after I realized he really was a pretty great father.
So I love the person I am now.
And part of that is
from all of this trauma and issues.
But I've also learned that I'm not defined by my trauma and issues.
They're a part of me, but they're not me.
I also like drawing and genetic engineering and hanging out with my friends.
I'm glad that I found so much strength and hope in these struggles
and finally started feeling better and hopeful for the future.