(audience cheers)
- Thank you! Man, that's a long walk.
Oh my god, I'm feeling good you guys.
Thank you so much and welcome
to Comedy Central's Central's "Live at Gotham," man.
This is cool for me,
'cause I've never got to host anything.
They said like, "You want to host?"
I'm like, "You mean not just be on?"
"No, you want to host it?"
"You mean in charge?" "Yeah."
Oh ho ho! (audience laughs)
And this is so beautiful because this is like a home club
for me when I come to New York.
I perform at this club, which is so cool,
'cause I know where everything's at.
My hotel is two blocks away.
I knew exactly how to get here.
But here's the thing is that right now it's nice outside.
It is nice.
I was here a little while back when you guys had a high
of seven. (audience laughs)
Yeah. I'm from California.
If there's a seven. (women scream)
Yeah. (screams)
Me too, you know?
I don't know what a seven is unless there's like a four,
five, six or you know something right behind it.
Seven! You can't even scream at seven.
Like I go to my fridge at night
and sometimes I accidentally open the freezer and
(mimics wind) (screams)
That's 30.
Seven, there's no sound.
You have to watch the weather channel here.
You have to watch it.
California? No, you don't have to.
How's it gonna be tomorrow? Ah!
It's so pretty.
Here, you have to watch it.
It could be a matter of life or death, man.
You got to watch the weather channel.
As you can see here on the west coast
in beautiful Southern California,
it's gonna be a high of 84 with a low 67.
Chance of rain, not likely.
Just enjoy your day here in beautiful Southern California.
As you can see over here on the east coast,
(beep) (audience laughs)
Oh my God. Just stay home, stay home.
It's gonna be a high of seven with a low of Antarctica.
Just stay home.
Freaking cold, man.
I come out of my hotel room, right?
And there's cabs going by.
I'm like, it's two blocks, I can hang. Oh hoo hoo, no.
I hailed a cab.
I get in the car and the guy right away.
"Okay. Where you want to go?"
I told him where I was going. He's like, "You're (beep) me.
It's two blocks!"
I go, "Two!"
He kicked me out of the car so I started walking.
I'm like, "Oh my God."
I had to walk into this fancy restaurant to get a little bit
of, you know, cover.
And the guy was like, "Hello, sir, welcome."
I'm like oh, I'm not supposed to be here.
And I know he was like, he's not supposed to be here.
But it was warm. So I'm gonna stay, right?
I order a menu,
and I knew I messed up because the menu had no prices on it.
I'm like, "I think Kinko's messed up your menu."
And the lady was like, "No, sir.
The meal price is determined on how we prepare it."
Well, microwave mine.
My check came out to 80 bucks.
The steak? $72.
$72 for a steak. Ooh!
The next day I had to go to the bathroom.
I said, uh uh, we're keeping it.
(audience laughs)
It ain't going nowhere till Monday.
And I have to say that I'm Mexican because I'm here
in little Puerto Rico.
Yeah, I know what's up man.
Puerto Ricans, you guys are like Mexicans that, you know,
have a time limit when it comes to Spanish.
You speak it quick. Mexicans, we speak Spanish slow.
You know, hey, how's it going?
(speaking in Spanish)
Puerto Ricans, man. Hey, what's up?
(speaking in Spanish)
Even Mexicans are like, "Dude, write that down!"
The flavor's totally different, man.
I give it up to Puerto Ricans,
you guys are the luckiest Latinos for one reason
and one reason only, you have no issues with citizenship.
Nobody trying to deport you.
You can go back and forth to Puerto Rico,
use American money.
If we get taken over tomorrow.
(speaking in Spanish)
You guys have a parade every year, the Puerto Rican parade.
Mexicans? Uh uh, shh.
Puerto Ricans love the Puerto Rican flag.
You're proud of it.
Yeah, 'cause nobody's gonna take it away from you.
Mexicans, we're not waving flags,
not even at soccer games,
because we don't want to get deported.
Yeah.
You drink Corona? Yeah.
Mexican, yeah.
Not anymore, now they make it in Colorado.
(audience laughs)
Whatever, man. Who's taking jobs away from who? (laughs)