My parents have never really been open about sex.
Although, one time, my mom did get drunk,
and she was like, "You know what, Nik,
I don't like sex at all.
I really don't, but you know what?
I do it because it's my duty as a wife."
And I was like, "Great, my mom's a sex slave.
That's perfect. Good to know."
But I wanted to, like, find out a little bit more,
so I did what any good daughter would do
and I flew my parents to Los Angeles
and I hooked them up to a lie detector
and grilled them about their sex life.
Take a look.
Hi, dad. -Hey, babe.
Hi.
Hi, mom.
Yes.
Do you like sex.
Yes.
Ew!
[ Chuckles ]
God.
Let's not make eye contact during this.
Stop making those face, please.
Stop making eye contact with me.
Do you groom yourself for mom?
A little manscaping.
Don't use that word.
It's creepy.
[ Sighs ] I hate this question.
Have you ever heard me have sex?
Yes.
-Ohh, sorry. -Yeah, gross.
Have you ever heard me have sex? No.
Oh! Yeah, yeah, maybe I have.
I forgot. I've repressed it from my memory.
Is your penis average-sized?
Probably not.
Would you say dad has a bi-- uh...
-Oh, my God. -I know.
I don't want to do this any more than you want to answer it.
Okay, then don't.
-But I have a show... -Okay, go.
...and people need to know dad's size.
Is it above-average? -Yes.
Go, dad.
[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Do you have sex once a week? -Yes.
That's good.
-Don't you think that's enough? -Yeah.
Yeah, explain that to your father.
I will not.
Do you consider yourself a sexual being?
No!
[ Laughs ]
Yes!
You are?!
Yes, I am!
Look, John just confirmed it.
I thought you weren't. Okay, this is crazy.
Is mom better at cooking than she is at sex?
No.
-She's a good cook! -[ Laughs ]
Do you masturbate?
No.
Really?
Oh, John.
Do you use a toy?
Nnn-- Yes.
John.
Did dad buy the toy?
Well, who do you think bought it? Yes.
Dad bought it for you.
Yeah.
Do you prefer mom being on top?
Yes.
-Do you like being on top? -Yes.
-Really?! -Sure.
-You're not athletic at all. -I'm really not.
So what are you doing up there?
I don't know.
Really, what am I doing up there?
-Get off there. -I'm off.
-Get off there. -Off.
Will you be disappointed if she stops being on top so much?
-Yes. -I'm really sorry.
She's not gonna do it anymore? She's done.
She's dismounting.
[ Laughs ]
Have you ever -- ohh, this question.
Oh, shoot.
Have you ever...
No, I haven't.
...done anal?
No.
Inconclusive.
Oh, hello!
That's not a good thing.
That was a "no."
No, that doesn't mean "no."
Ask it again.
Have you ever done anal?
Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Not on purpose, for God's sakes.
Accidental!
[ Both laugh ]
-You were awesome. -Thanks.
Thanks for doing this. I love you.
I love you, too, sweetheart.
Is that a true answer, John?
-Yes. -[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Give it up for my dad's big dick!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
Apparently, my mom does once a week.
Oh, God, guys, yeah, that happened.
I wanted to just ask you a really quick question
Yeah, we talk.
You never told me that your dad has a big, old horse cock.
You did not tell me that.
You didn't ask your mom
if the anal sex was with your dad, though.
[ Laughter ]
You just knew she had it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Right?