G'day, A.J. Mahari here are you somebody with codependency who's
been in a relationship with someone with borderline personality
or even a narcissist are you a person with codependency who's still
in that relationship or it's on again off again and maybe you
don't know well here's something that you need to
know or think more about if you already kind of intellectually
know this but you're not working it through to emotional
understanding people with bpd so lots of people with
codependency more so with people bp than narcissists
right you you end up feeling like well but they
have bpd and you know even for the people that do
recognize what i'm saying and many other experts way more not
wait way more you know well-known and famous i'm not either of those things
are saying BPD is a response to adverse child experience
so people understand this and what do you whether you think it's
like you know what the american pseudoscience of psychiatry says or not
or you'll recognize it in a more humanistic
context way which a lot of people do because they really care about
the people with you know the person with bpd in their life
that has hurt them so much a lot of people still really care
and maybe some of that still is codependency but
it is what it is right and so we can't pretend that that's not the case for a
lot of people so and and there's various ways of
moving through that and etc but it can be quite a while that people
still care so a lot of people with codependency are
like okay but they have bpd the partner or a parent
or a sibling or a family member you know or maybe it's a friend any
relationship type they have bpd and you feel sorry for
them you pity them it's like this sort of
unhealthy empathy dump that is really more about what you need
than anything that's going to help them or matter to them because people BPD have
to find their own way to therapy and the long-term journey
they can end up in yes being healed and being recovered
and that means people with you know who've had bpd and do
take that long journey as i have we get to a place where no
we are not still splitting we are not still quote borderline
at all and even people working their way through a lot of therapy right now
will change a lot about the splitting and the cycles etc but
that may take three four years worth of work it's a very individual
but this is not something to hang your hat on that it's gonna save a
relationship not at all so so many people are basically in their
codependency self-abandoning self to acquiesce
to the idea to to the thought to the feeling to the caring to what i'm going
to call here the unhealthy empathy dump of but they have BPD and they can't help
it so so what
so what's the next income so i can't leave them so i gotta stick around
so they can't make it without me all which can be externalized statements
about that if you turn them around they can
fit for the person with codependency as well if not you know it can be both
or it could be either or on some statements people might make but
it's really important to know that whatever you do
think however you do feel about that person with bpd that is or was
in your life or the other relationship types you know
parents family members um or a parent with bpd or
npd and family member with bpd or npd in and like people often still have to go
no contact because in all relationship types with people
with bpd and of course people with narcissistic personality
even more so there's no way that these can be healthy
there's no way that they can work out there's a way to
change that person with bpd and the thing is
so then why are people with codependency having that fawn response and or often
freeze response but they have bpd and they can't help it
so unhealthy empathy dump because what about you they have bpd
and they can't help it so i have to acquiesce like you know um
they need me or i have to keep caring or i'll feel way too guilty i'll be
like uh i'll feel like a terrible person if i were just to take care of myself
because what about them so that's the core of
the unrelational i'm sorry it's not unrelational the unhealthy relational
pattern of codependency which goes something like if you if you
were consciously aware of it quote i the codependent would say i if you
could say what you're repressing you would say i am unworthy
i am not worth love i am not worthwhile i don't deserve love therefore i
will empathy dump i'll feel sorry for this person with bpd
and i'll hang in there because what's the codependent next line
belief thought i will help them somehow or something will change somehow
but while you're so busy with what about them
if i were to leave if i were to take care of me what what about them
because they can't help it well like i said in a video recently if
they can't help it probably because they need therapy to help it but
if they don't go get therapy they're making a choice whether they
know it or not and to stay the same and that means they
can't help it whatever all it you know their behavior
the way that they're verbally awful to you etc and what they can't
help is not your responsibility so if you're doing this unhealthy
empathy dump on somebody with bpd in your life right
now in any relationship type what i would ask you to ask yourself
journal this down on a piece of paper and when i say me i mean you right
what about me so in other words what about you
write down on a piece of paper you out there if this resonates with you
what about me because i'm not talking about what about me it's what about you
too many people with codependency becausenof the way that you develop codependency
and the reasons for it in your childhood which you
may well not be aware of right now you need to get into a healing recovery
journey to understand that part and and the person
with bpd needs to get into their own healing and recovery journey and
and a lot of therapy long term which then can produce real change
because neuroplasticity is real and part of that doesn't matter what
pseudoscience of psychiatry says about bpd
because they never talk about it in a framework that includes neuroplasticity
and how effective treatment really is when people will engage it
and then people with bpd can heal and recover be recovered ed past tense
and what's that mean it means well they become like everyone else
averagely mentally healthy or you know however we measure that
but people with bpd after recovery are not going to still be splitting and such
at all but here's the thing you can't spend another minute of your
life without continuing to abandon yourself
and and being what about them oh well but they
can't help it they have bpd and so and so what because
what about you you are somebody with codependency
if you're acquiescing to a bpd you're doing the unhealthy
empathy dump which is really something it really has to do with something that
you really feel about yourself projected on to the person with bpd
whether they can help it or not doesn't matter because it's their responsibility
to deal with whether they decide to help it or not
but it's not your responsibility to stay there on the other side of that
to hold yourself back from your own healing and recovery journey
it's not your responsibility to feel so sorry for them acquiesce so much
to the person with bpd that you are continuing to abandon you
it's your time now it's long since been your time
to get into a healing and recovery journey i'm out here to work if you
resonate with me or whoever you would choose to work with just make sure
they're a professional um and the other thing is you know
it's your time now to learn how to fly first love yourself
because people with codependency no matter what kind of relationship
dynamics you're in with somebody a bpd or a narcissist or what have you
in any relationship type you come second because that's what you
learn in your childhood somehow in some way fashion or other it's not
always the same causation for everybody with codependency
but you are so used to being unimportant you
feel unworthy you have low self-esteem and and much more going on that that for
people with varying degrees of codependency
you have a dysfunctional relationship which has separated you from self
to some degree that's what you need to take care of right now
so when people say ah but they have bpd and they can't help it
one way to look at that and i hope this motivates people with codependencies why
i'm saying it like this turn that around and say ah
i have codependency and i can't seem to help it
take responsibility for what you're likely projecting out on the person with
bpd even if it's true that they can't help
it that's up to them to help it or not help it
what's up to you with codependency and you know healing and recovering from
this and these relationships and finding your
way to healthy relating and a healthy
relationship with yourself is you making a choice that is simply
firstly recognizing there's a question
that you need to ask yourself what about me
and when i say that i mean for you to say what about me to yourself
because you need to come first in your life that's not narcissistic or selfish
that's what's required for people to heal
the unhealthy relational patterns that are what codependency
is painfully so much about codependency is very
very painful and when you're going to make a choice
and take action on getting into recovery it's going to be challenging and that's
why you need to work with somebody who really knows how to help you
and i'm someone out here who really knows how to help you if i resonate with
you so the point is don't worry about don't
acquiesce to this person with bpd you've been acquiescing all your life
something happened in your childhood will you you just learn to sort of like
put everybody else first or put the other person first worry
about what everybody thinks about you and these types of things when really
it's time now it was a long time ago that it would have really been in your
best interest it's time for you to get to know you
it's time for you to find self-esteem and self-worth in
you it's time for you to heal the
woundedness of codependency so don't please don't spend another day
of your life or minute of your life if you resonate with what i'm saying here
feeling sorry for the borderline because they can't help it
because whether they can help it or not like i said it's up to them to deal with
that that's their responsibility so separate that out they're not your
responsibility you are your own responsibility
and if you turn that oh well they have bpd and they can't help it
turn that around to yourself today say this to yourself and see how you
feel if this resonates with you i am a codependent and i don't know how
to help it i hurt i don't know why maybe
you would say but i hurt and i don't know how to help it
i can't help it what can i do to help myself because that's where
you have choice that's where you can make choices
and you can empower yourself in working with someone to to help you
and guide you and help you to find the answers that
you're looking for inside in a healing and recovery journey from
codependency so that and unhealthy empathy don't to the
borderline where they have BPD and they can't help
it is really a codependent way of again negating self because it's
really you if you have codependency you resonate with this
it's really you that can't help it and it's really well whatever with them but
they have to take care of themselves for the better the worse
and you need to take care of yourself and you need to find your way
to what's blocking you from your i can't help it to go forward into a
healing recovery journey so you can heal the codependency which is a
dysfunctional relationship to self and with self
wherein you have lost yourself to varying degrees
in your childhood and lived your life accordingly
always putting up as first people pleasing enabling rescuing
over focusing on others because you feel and maybe you're not in touch with
the feeling right now but you have been taught somehow
somewhere in your life to take on shame that you feel bad
that you don't feel worthy you have low self-esteem
and i just want to say one last thing here this is very true of people and i
work with lots of clients in have for 30 plus years who will say to me
but you know they some of them are very wealthy individuals some of them run
corporations some of them run huge companies some of them are very
successful in all kinds of careers and they'll say but
wait a minute i but no don't look at your work self
don't look at your professional self don't look at your
bank account as a reflection of your relationship to yourself
so that's another place where people have to open
to what does it mean that you have codependency
why do you have codependency how can you change that
so please if you're somebody who's saying well the person with bpd they
can't help it and uh that unhealthy empathy dump no because
that empathy is what you need and more to the point
compassion you need to put that to self self focus your own healing
recovery journey and realize and i know i'm saying
something a lot of people know in their heads right but you need to take this
in and and work towards something in a process to know it emotionally
realize that you are only responsible for you
first and foremostly and you're not responsible for another human being
whether they go get treatment or they don't
and of course codependents get really you know
locked and stuck in the dynamics of the unhealthy
dynamics of
having that other person there with bpd or npd to externalize
what's in your unconscious out toward and continue
this the repetition compulsion unhealthy relational patterns in codependency
so don't be worrying about the borderline today
okay you need to take care of you starting right now
i hope that was helpful please wherever the circle is
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don't know change is a constant in life ladies and gentlemen
codependents don't deal with change very well codependents don't adapt easily to
change this is your first challenge what is
that first change you need to make today take care