Do you have someone in your life with anger issues?
I'm Nicholeen Peck. I'm a communications and relationships expert. And in this video,
we're going to talk about how to talk to someone with anger issues.
For years, I did treatment foster care for troubled teens ages 12 to 18.
And almost every one of them had anger issues. In fact, it was my job to help them overcome
their anger issues. And since then people have asked me to go all over the world. They even
made a BBC show of me all to help people learn how to control their anger issues. What I teach people
is I teach people how to govern themselves. Now, I know that maybe you've got someone who you think,
"No, they won't listen to my advice." Well, there still are some things that you can do
when you're trying to communicate with someone with anger issues even if they don't seem like
they care or want to listen. Some of the things I'm about to say could actually surprise you.
Sometimes the people who have anger control issues have some needs that nobody is recognizing. And
I want to help you know what some of those are today. So, in some of my points, I'll
be addressing those. First, it's important for us to recognize that we cannot control other people.
We can influence other people with our calmness and with our ability to describe what's going on
and with our ability to love despite the fact that they're going out of control.
But we cannot control them. That's vital. When I took in treatment children into my home who
had anger control issues, I focused on bonding to them, trusting that they could make a change that
they wanted to become calm and find a better way to communicate. I trusted in their teaching that
they were getting from me. So, I taught them lots of skills that they needed and that was what led
to them having a change of heart. Because really, when I talk about self-government,
I'm talking about a person having a change of heart. So, number one, you can't control them. So,
focus instead on just having a good influence but let's give you some things you can do to make
that influence more powerful. Describe what's happening. Even if a person is not your child,
even if they're a co-worker or somebody that you're at a social event with and
they're behaving in a way that's getting angry or going out of control, just describe what you see.
Don't react no matter what. If you start reacting then they will start power struggling. So, the
last thing you want to do when a person has anger issues or they're going out of control is any kind
of emotional reaction because that will trigger them to just continue to be angry. So, describe
what you see. It might sound something like this: "Right now, your voice tone is getting kind
of loud. Right now, it seems like that you want people to understand what you have to say but your
voice tone is pushing people away." So, just give them that you know they want to do something good
and then you help them do what they need to do to get understood. Because that's what they want.
They want to be understood and if they feel understood, a lot of their anger goes away,
they stop pushing so hard. I know sometimes we think they just want to dominate, they just want
to control; and where that can be true in certain cases, usually they want to dominate and control
or it seems that way because they just want someone to understand where they're coming from.
They want someone to see things like they see things. Next, point the direction that they
should go. So, you described what's happening. Right now your voice tone
seems to be getting louder. So, you've described what they're doing and then you've sought to
understand where they're coming from. Even maybe let them know you want to understand them.
Next, you point the direction they need to go. So, what should they be doing? You could just say,
"How about we just take a minute and get calm? And then we can talk about this so that we can really
help you get what it is you need." Or something like that. Point the direction they need to go.
Don't be afraid even if it's another adult to give them a kind of an instruction in the direction
that they need to be headed. Because they oftentimes will follow it especially if they feel
like you're sincere. Even if they're still out of control a little bit. Then repeat. So, describe,
seek to understand, point the direction they should go again and again. Always keeping in
mind it's up to them to have a change of heart. So, describe, point the direction, do it with a
spirit of understanding, repeat that again and again and again. And that person will soon see
it's up to them to analyze also what's going on and to make a change in their behavior a change in
their thought process so that they can better be understood by you. The thing a person needs when
they're going out of control is to be understood. To know that you care about what they have to say.
So, get to that place quickly and then they will start to calm down quickly too.
I am known around the world for teaching people how to conquer anger and a lot of other negative
behaviors that can get in the way of normal successful functioning. In fact, I have a whole
course dedicated to it. It's called the Teaching Self-Government parenting course. And it's on my
website teachingselfgovernment.com. So, if you would like more stuff, more details about how
to help people with anger, I've got a lot more on that topic. We've just brushed the surface today.