- Jim, you think I don't know
I look like if Amazon sold a Jeff Bezos blowup doll?
(people laughing) (mellow music)
- All I know is I don't feel safe
with you around
unless you put a lambskin on that.
(people laughing)
- You saying I look like a penis?
- Last time I saw something like that,
I was shaking the drops.
(people laughing)
- Even as a kid,
Nick has always been the most serious one in the family.
He's almost as serious as his nipples are massive.
(people laughing)
- It's fake.
Fake news.
It's fake.
I'll show you right now.
They're not that big.
(people laughing)
- You look great, Dave.
- Thank you.
- How was your weekend
picking up bottles and cans
at the gay pride parade?
(people laughing)
(mics bumping)
- Jeff looks like every deleted scene
from the movie "Taken."
(people laughing)
- "We have your daughter."
Thanks.
Coming from a guy
who looks like he just threatened Stormy Daniels
in a parking lot.
- Wow.
(people laughing)
- You were one of the great orators of our time.
Your speeches were profound.
They were moving.
They were boring as fuck.
(people laughing)
You gave the "I Have a Dream" speech
at the March on Washington,
and by the time you were done,
it was the July on Washington.
(people laughing)
'As long as the Negro is denied the service
to the mountaintop and the freedom and the bus...'
You sound like a ghost
who's trying to haunt the outside of a liquor store.
(people laughing)
- And when I think of Steve -
and it's not often,
but when I do,
the one thing that strikes me
more than anything else about you
is how unbelievably pale you are in person.
(people laughing)
It's like I'm being haunted, you know?
No, really. Yeah.
I mean, you look like...
You look like a page in a coloring book
that hasn't been colored yet.
(people laughing)
Steve once got a sunburn from his Kindle reader.
(people laughing) You know.
You look like Anderson Cooper froze to death
on New Year's Eve.
(people laughing)
Yes, you do.
(people applauding)
Thank you.
You look like someone put a white toupee on a urinal.
(people laughing)
And listen,
listen to me.
I'm not trying to be negative.
- No, I can tell.
(people laughing)
Why?
- But out of curiosity,
how far into the embalming process did they get
before you woke up screaming?
(people laughing)
- Okay. Alright.
Alright.
Now,
now you've gone too far, okay?
These guys rock.
Okay?
(people cheering)
"A Little Bit Longer" is both my favorite album...
Yeah. (people cheering)
Yes. Yes.
And it's what Sophie wishes Joe's penis was.
- [Joe] Hey!
Easy!
- Winter is coming,
but Sophie, not so much.
- [Joe] Pete!
- I guess I'm here tonight
because I wrote about Freddie Mercury
in my suicide note.
It's true.
What a weird way to get a gig.
(people laughing)
If you don't know,
I killed myself at 27
and all I got out of it
was a couple shitty murals
and a bunch of baristas doing ukulele covers of my songs
on YouTube.
(people laughing)
And in my suicide note,
I said
I thought it's better to burn out
than to fade away.
And who knows?
If I had just chosen to fade away,
I could be alive right now,
opening for the Foo Fighters.
I mean, it's...
(people laughing)
(people clapping)
You know, I spent my life
moping around,
dressed like Mr. Rogers at a rave,
(people laughing)
dating mentally unstable women.
Meanwhile, you fucked everything that moved
while wearing
some kind of interdimensional marching band costume.
(people laughing)
- People often fantasize about bedding a president.
I know I did.
But on the rare occasion
we coupled in the biblical sense,
I must admit, my mind would drift to fantasies
of the dashing young preeminent thespian of our time,
John Wilkes Stamos.
(people laughing and clapping)
My husband famously said,
"A house divided cannot stand."
Too bad he didn't say "A Full House divided cannot reboot."
(people laughing)
- Yes, for much of my youth,
like you guys,
I was in a purity pledge situation.
A pledge was taken
that I would remain a virgin
by every single girl at my school.
(people laughing)
And do you know how I was able to keep my man hymen intact
for so long?
Because of you guys.
Seriously, the more I told people
that I listened to your music,
the less they wanted to have sex with me.
(people laughing)
I may as well have worn one of your albums
around my neck like a leper's bell.
(people laughing)
- Back then,
the Jonas Brothers rocked all kinds of wild looks
and nobody said a damn thing.
I mean, that's how famous they were.
Look at how ridiculous they looked.
(people laughing)
Nick,
what's up with the hat, man?
- I don't know.
- You look like Slash from Guns N' Roses
had a weird stepson.
(people laughing)
- [Martin] Ooh!
(people cheering)
Tell us about this photo, Steve.
- I call this picture
"Hello, ladies. (people laughing)
Goodbye, lady."
(people laughing)
- [Martin] Oh!
(people laughing)
- This is an exclusive.
This is the first photo of the new border wall.
(people laughing)
(people applauding)
- That'll keep 'em out.
(people laughing)
- Oh. - Oh.
- [Steve] And this is what it would look like
if cocaine had a face.
(people laughing)
- [Martin] Oh, I love this pic.
- [Steve] This is actually you in the actual Oval Office.
- Yes, it was.
It was 1994,
and you're probably wondering what I'm doing.
- Well, I know what you're doing.
The question is,
"Did Bill Clinton take you up on your offer?"
(people laughing)
(people cheering)
- No disrespect,
but this is the most fucked up bat mitzvah ever.
(people laughing)
(Jeff clapping)
Adolf Hitler,
seeing you for the first time is unbelievable.
I mean, I was hiding from this.
When does the 'master race' guy show up?
You look like you've been trapped in an attic
longer than I was.
(people laughing)
Third Reich?
I mean, can we get someone from the First Reich?
(people laughing)
Am I Reich, people?
(people laughing)
You tried to break us,
but today, the Jewish people
are thriving more than ever.
In fact, guess what, Hitler?
You're being played by a Jew right now.
(people laughing)
And it's the loudest, most annoying Jew
we could possibly find.
(people laughing)
(people cheering)
- Yes, we can
get roasted.
Alright.
I thought I'd never see the day
that a man named Nelson would challenge my Blackness,
but yet here we are.
(people laughing)
I heard of "Beasts of No Nation,"
but you look like beast of no lotion.
(people laughing)
Yeah. Lick it.
You ashy.
(people laughing)
Look like you've been swimming in baby powder.
(people laughing)
Now, when I saw your outfit, Nelson,
I gotta be honest,
I wasn't sure if you were going to shake my hand
or read my palm.
(people laughing)
Remember, Nelson,
no, don't get up.
Don't. Sit down.
Please.
Sit. (people laughing)
Now, during my time as president,
people often compared me to Dr. Martin Luther King.
They said, "Barack Obama,
the way you carry yourself
resembles that of the late Dr. King."
You wish you had much swag as me.
(people laughing)
Your downfall was that you weren't cool enough.
Alright?
Sure, you had the following,
but have you seen my Instagram? Huh?
100-million likes.
And that's from Joe Biden.
Come on, now.
(people clapping)
- Kevin, real talk,
Kevin is actually my favorite Jonas brother.
(people cheering) He is.
(people cheering)
- Thank you.
- Because he makes you believe
that anyone can be a pop star.
(people laughing)
When you see a picture of him
next to Nick and Joe,
you always think,
"Wow. Nick and Joe are really close with their accountant."
(people laughing)
- Dave, that outfit makes a statement.
- [Dave] What is it?
- "Table for one."
(Dave laughs)
(people laughing)
Dave, you look like you shop at AutoZone.
- Thanks.
(people laughing)
- Can I just,
can we just do this?
Can I just do this for the rest of the day?
- Yeah, just go, go.
Hit me with it.
Get it outta your system.
- It's fine.
- Jeff, if you can believe in yourself
half as much as you do in cream cheese,
I will,
I will be a happy man.
If we get that,
that one thing...
Oh, my! Whoa!
Thanos from Infinity War showing up.
(people laughing)
- Well, let me just say, Steve,
truthfully,
what an honor it is
for me to be standing next to a man
who is a novelist, a playwright,
a musician, a composer,
and a legendary comedian.
- And let me say what an honor it is for me
to be standing next to the man
who is standing next to that man.
(people laughing)
- We all had our title.
I was the shy one.
Joe was the cute one.
And Kevin was the virgin.
(people laughing)
But it's cool, Kev.
You milked that for all it was worth.
You played it well, sir.
But, you know,
it was around this time
that you really started coming into your own
hand.
(people laughing)
- The many men who have written my story
over the centuries
called me a whore queen.
These are all secondhand accounts
by men whose first hand
is probably jerking it to my statues.
(people laughing)
Nevermind that I was the commander of a naval fleet.
Oh, and I married and murdered children.
Yet somehow, whore queen is my nickname?
(people laughing)
That's just lazy writing.
- Can I ask a question?
May I?
A lot of people ask Gilbert
and I've asked you this before,
and Jeff, you've asked this of Gilbert,
is, "What happened?"
(people laughing)
And you asked it.
- Nice one, Bob.
- But I asked him,
"Did you have parents that were in the Holocaust?
Did something happen to you?"
- See, this is where the comedy picks up.
(people laughing)
Once he starts bringing Auschwitz and Dachau into it,
(people laughing)
this is,
now the fun begins.
- So... (people laughing)
So did you go to...
- Hey, how many of you were ever in the gas chambers?
(people laughing)
- This is great.
Bob, I like you, but I love Gilbert.
I mean, he is just fuckin'
demon.
He's a demon.
Gilbert should get another job
of just telling kids they're adopted.
(people laughing)
- Every person on this stage
told school to go stuff it in your grandpa's pocket.
And we're the biggest stars in the world.
You think Brucey Lee over there
ever sat through Home Ec?
Applesauce!
(people laughing)
He foot slapped that commie teacher upside the head
and then went outside and stood on one toe for an hour.
(people laughing)
- That's right.
- You think that glittery Elvis Presley
could thumb his way through Hemingway?
Last time this fruitcake picked up a book,
it was to crush up Quaaludes.
(people laughing)
You know what they made The Babe study in school?
Shirt making!
You think these Jimmy Deans could sew a dang shirt?
(people laughing)
No way, bub.
You know what The Babe did instead?
He went outside,
got blattered up,
and hit a baseball.
Now The Babe's a millionaire.
(people cheering)
So listen to The Great Bambino.
Find out what it is you like doing
and do that.
Don't let people decide your life for you.
The only reason anyone should go to college
is to learn how to screw.
- Let's talk about the purity rings.
(people cheering)
For those of you who don't know,
purity rings are worn
to demonstrate that you're abstaining from sex
before marriage.
And the Jonas Brothers, they all had them.
Like, I know this is a roast
and you all think I should be going after them,
but I think we need to set the record straight here.
No, the rings weren't a good idea.
(people laughing)
Yes, as a gesture,
they're laughably, toe-curlingly lame.
(people laughing)
But remember,
this was about more than a gesture.
This was about faith.
This was about principle.
This was about taking a stand
and setting an example.
Look, Joe Jonas wasn't just sticking his fingers
in some dumb metal rings.
He was sticking his fingers in co-stars,
actresses,
and even a supermodel or two.
(people laughing)
To be honest,
Joe and the purity ring thing
was kind of like a modern day Cinderella.
I mean, Joe tried to find a match
for his purity rings a few times,
but finally,
the finger fit me.
(people cheering)
It was also like Cinderella
because most of the girls he tried it with
were under contract to Disney.
(people reacting)
- Why don't you take one of your seven layers off?
- Fuck, no.
Excuse me.
Can I ask these guys...
- Are you gonna shovel the driveway after the show?
- Oh, fuck off. (people laughing)
Fuck off, Jeff.
- It's summertime. (people cheering)
- Holy shit.
- Dave's dressed like a guy
who has a job that nobody wants when they're growing up.
(people laughing)
- What am I, your manager?
(people laughing) Is that what it is?
(audience reacting)
(people cheering) Come on.
(people cheering)
- You got me, finally.
(mellow music)