Alright.
We're going to take on kind of a tough one.
What to do when parents don't agree on discipline.
First of all, disagreements arise from differences.
Differences are essential to our relationship.
So, when parents don't agree on discipline, it's because they have difference on opinion
and different preference or different background or different training or programming.
But it's differences that makes us relevant and interesting to each other.
So, they're essential to our relationship.
But it can cause disharmony when you're talking about your children and the discipline of
your children.
-Right.
So, as we address this, first of all, let's embrace the differences.
Here's part of the problem Vicki.
When we disagree with someone, we falsely assume that they are wrong.
Okay, now I say falsely.
We get into this fight about who's right instead of what's right.
The fact that you have different opinions is not bad news.
If you were both exactly the same, one of you would be unnecessary.
-Right.
-So, we've got differences for a reason.
-We want to present a united...
As a couple.
Right?
That's what we're really trying to do.
And yet, we need to remember that if we're worried more about what's right instead of
who's right, then it's okay to recognize that you can get to the same right place in 2 or
3 different ways.
-I've had this conversation probably 5 times this week in my office with couples where
there are some disagreements.
Okay?
About how to handle kids or some element of the or the discipline or the family.
And we've backed off from it for a minute.
And this is the first recommendation that I would give.
Find the common ground as we backed off from it to see "What do we have in common here?"
They both wanted exactly the same thing.
-They're just going about it a little differently.
-Exactly.
And who loves your children more than that other parent?
-Nobody.
-So, assume that the other parent has the best interest of those kids in mind.
You're going to be right about that.
So, make that assumption and then if you can humble yourself to realize, "You know what?
It's not about being right."
Let's get a part to be right and exchange for being open.
The other parent involved here is also brilliant and loving and kind and wants good things
for your kids.
So, from that perspective, what if their experience could lend something that's even better than
what you already know about?
See, that's what I need by...
Let's give up our need to be right in exchange for being open.
Building on that basic truth that you both really want the same things.
it might be good to improve those communication skills.
-I think it's really important to talk about it because I've seen times in the past where
I kind of forget that we're on the same team sometime.
We've done it before.
I think I've got my agenda, I've got my agenda, I haven't checked in with you to see if its
the same.
So that's where communication between the 2 parents is going to come in handy.
-Communication can get really tricky.
And because of that, we've got some other resources here on the channel to help you
with communication specifically.
Check out the video that we did on communication and you can also go to the positive relationship
resources playlist where we talk about different aspects of communication and how to talk to
each other.
It's a challenging thing.
So, be ready to put little work into this.
Again, from that assumption that we're both basically on the same team.
We're on the same page here.
The enemy is not in the room, alright?
So, keep that in mind and then work toward a more effective communication with each other.
That's going to help a lot.
-Okay.
So, one of the next important things to think about is focus on what you control.
This is so tricky.
Sometimes, you have to back off and figure out what part do I control in this discipline
of my child.
-Oh, Vicki.
There's a context for this become so important.
Let's say for example that you have a multi-household home.
-Okay.
So, what do you mean by that?
-Those of you who have them know exacly what I'm talking about.
Okay?
Typically the divorce situation where there are now 2 households or multiple households
for the same child.
Okay?
So, the same child goes back and forth between the household.
What I have found a lot...
Just give it a context.
I did child custody evaluations for the court as part of my practice for 13 years.
-Yeah.
For quite a while.
-And so, I've seen this situation so many times.
And let's say that household A and household B have different rules and expectations.
Oh, big surprise, right?
There's a reason these people aren't together anymore.
-Yeah.
They don't agree necessarily at everything.
-Even having said that, Vicki.
I believe that the parents are still basically on the same page about what they want for
their kids.
-Yeah.
They still want their child to be a happy, well-adjusted member of society, right?
-Yes.
But they'll have different expectations or different rules.
Now, household A, has no control over what's going on in household B. And you will be frustrated
and annoyed and irritated and upset if you expect someone on the other household to enforce
the rules that you set up in yours.
-It's only going to cause frustration for you and kind of put your child in an no-win
situation battle between the 2.
-Right.
And if you think of it as a battle and you got 2 sides fighting with each other, not
safe to be here in between.
You're going to get caught at crossfire.
So, we need to put down the arms.
Alright?
Vicki, when you said, focus on what you control, take care of the problems in your own home.
You set up those expectations there where you have the ability to control consequence
and to do follow through.
Do not expect that to be carried out in this household.
I tell you, that alone is going to reduce the conflicts that you have significantly.
-Now, even though you can't control it, can you back mouth it in front of your kid about
it?
That's where I see a lot of people get sort of stuck, is like, they realize they don't
control it and their frustration about that causes them to almost put their child on the
defensive and put them in right back in the middle of that fire verbally.
-Remember what we talked about earlier about giving up your need to be right in exchange
for being open.
Just because that other household is different from yours doesn't mean that it's wrong.
It's simply different.
Quick example.
I had a little kid that I was evaluating for custody between his mom and his dad.
They lived in different countries, okay?
They spoke different languages in their homes.
Very, very different household.
You can see this.
-Right.
-It would not be right in this case for dad to say, German is the wrong language.
Because German is the language that is spoken in mom's home, alright?
Can you see how ridiculous that would be?
Would not be right for mom to say, "Hey, English is the wrong language."
Because English is the language that's spoken in dad's home.
And this kid needs to have both languages.
If you can humble yourself enough to be open and see that just because these are different
doesn't mean that one is wrong.
That's what's going to put you in a position to really support your child now in the face
of parents who disagree.
Now, I use the word disagree because sometimes we interpret it that way.
It's simply parents who have different cultures.
Different environments, different homes.
-Right.
-And it's not right or wrong.
So, extrapolate that also to what it means for you if you're in a single household family.
You've got both parents together in same home.
It's a good example to show these multi-household because that really illustrates it.
-Another situation that comes up quite frequently is when you have a step parent in the home.
-Right.
-And your styles might be different but not only that, we're going to refer back to that
communication.
Make sure you're on the same communication board so that you know that the step parent
does want the same thing for your child.
And that way is going to be easier to allow them to take part in some of the discipline.
I've seen a lot of families where all discipline is given or taken by the biological parent.
And it leaves the step parent rendered useless when it comes to this in some ways.
-We've done some other videos here on the positive parenting playlist where you can
get into some of the specifics about those kinds of households.
Just be aware that the same important principles are going to apply here whether you're in
a single household family.
A multiple household family or whether you've got 2 biological parents or you've got step
parents or foster parents involved.
The principles remain the same.
And I'm glad the went back to the communication Vicki.
That is really a key.
And I want to bring it back to a basic principle also, this is also important.
And that's positivity.
-Surprise.
-I know, big surprise, right?
Positivity changes the energy around everything.
How to stay positive no matter what?
That's the introductory video here on the channel.
Go watch that if you're not sure what I'm talking about.
Because it's not just think positive.
That's fluffy.
-That doesn't work.
-You hear that from a motivational speakers on the stage.
No.
I'm talking about the psychological principles that drive positivity as a choice and a position
that you can take no matter what your circumstances are.
This will assist you as a parent especially if there are some disagreements or differences
of opinion or different preferences that are going on between those parents.
Positivity makes a huge difference.
Parenting is the most important job in the world and we don't always agree.
I'm glad that you're here.
We are glad to be part of your team.
There are more resources available to you.
If you have not yet out checked out the parenting power-up, pls check it out.
Parentingpowerup.com.
Vicki and I collaborated to put together a lot of resources for you as a conscious positive
parent.
We'll see you there.