The United States and Iran
narrowly avoided World War III.
I was so relieved,
I celebrated by kissing a stranger in Times Square.
I didn't get his name.
I just know that he was very ticklish.
So, how are both countries dealing with the aftermath
of the Soleimani assassination?
Well, let's find out in our ongoing segment
War in the Middle East: This Time It's Persianal.
-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)
Right now Iran's supreme leader
and America's supreme tweeter
are both coming under fire for lying to their people.
So, let's start with Iran.
After three days of denials,
the government of Iran has admitted
that when they launched missiles at American targets in Iraq,
they also accidentally shot down a passenger plane.
And now the people of Iran are demanding accountability.
NEWSWOMAN: Tensions flared in Tehran
as anti-government demonstrators
protested the regime's stunning admission
that it mistakenly shot down a Ukrainian jetliner.
NEWSWOMAN 2: It all started with a candlelight vigil
but quickly morphed into crowds chanting,
"The revolutionary guards are dictators,
and the enemy is not America. It's within."
NEWSWOMAN 3: Videos show at least one protester
attacking a poster of Qasem Soleimani.
People were also heard cheering
as a picture of Soleimani was burned.
Yes. The streets of Iran have been overrun
by protesters furious at their own government.
I mean, you see them. They're angry,
and that guy's losing the fight against the poster.
And it's not just them. Everyone is mad.
Canada is mad. America is mad. Ukraine is mad.
Everyone is upset that Iran shot down that plane.
Well, except for Boeing. Yeah. 'Cause they're like,
"Yes! This plane crash wasn't our fault!
"For once, it wasn't our fault!
That wasn't us this time!"
(laughter)
So, this weekend saw three days of public demonstrations
against the regime in Iran.
And last night, President Trump
decided to fan those flames of protest.
NEWSWOMAN: President Trump offering support
to the Iranian people,
tweeting in Farsi and in English,
"My administration will continue to stand with you."
And later sending a tweet aimed at the leaders in Iran.
"Do not kill your protesters. The world is watching.
More importantly, the U.S.A. is watching."
That's right, folks.
Donald J. Trump is sending tweets in Farsi.
(laughter)
Welcome to 2020.
And I got to say, I got to say,
it's ballsy for Trump to tweet in a second language
when he hasn't even mastered his first.
(cheering and applause)
I also... I also like to imagine
that Trump dictated that Farsi tweet
the way he does his English ones, you know?
I just like the idea that he was there, and he's like...
(speaking Farsi)
Folks.
(speaking Farsi)
(cheering and applause)
And by the way...
Oh, and just by the way, by the way,
let's be honest. Let's be honest.
Can you imagine if Obama ever tweeted in Farsi?
Can you imagine what would...
Fox News would have exploded!
Tucker Carlson would have squinted so hard,
his face would collapse into itself like a black hole.
(laughter and applause)
But while Trump is stoking unrest in Iran,
back home, he's facing challenges of his own
because his story about why he killed Soleimani
isn't adding up.
NEWSWOMAN: The president still insisting
the killing of Soleimani stopped imminent threats,
including attacks at U.S. embassies in the region.
The president making the case on Fox News.
Did he have large-scale attacks planned
for other embassies?
-Wouldn't that help your case? -Well, I...
I can reveal that I believe it would have been four embassies.
Could have been military bases.
Could have been a lot of other things, too.
But it was imminent, and then all of a sudden,
he was gone.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, you can reveal that you believe?
No one's asking for your personal belief.
This is war, not what color you thought the dress was.
I mean...
And, also, what does Trump mean it could have been embassies
or bases or a lot of other things, too?
'Cause either Trump is making this up
or Soleimani was the most indecisive enemy
America has ever had.
What, was he just riding around like,
"Let us attack an embassy.
"No, no, no, no, a military base.
"Wait, what about that McDonald's? Yes!
You know what? Let's just destroy the milkshake machine."
"Sir, it's already broken."
"Excellent, they'll never know."
(laughter and applause)
So, besides Trump, besides Trump,
no one believes that Soleimani was planning
an imminent attack on everything.
And because they don't trust him,
the House passed a resolution limiting Trump's war powers.
And even three Republicans signed on to it.
And, really, no one knows.
No one knows where Trump is getting his information,
including his very own defense secretary.
REPORTER: Defense Secretary Mark Esper acknowledged Sunday
that he saw no specific threat against four U.S. embassies
by Qasem Soleimani,
contradicting President Trump.
I didn't see one with regard to four embassies.
He didn't cite a specific piece of evidence.
What the president said was he believed
that it probably and could have been attacks
against additional embassies.
You know, I feel so bad for the defense secretary.
No, 'cause he's-he's trying to tell the truth
while also defending Trump's lie.
And this is why you should never go into a lie with Donald Trump,
because, at some point, he's gonna riff that lie
out of control and leave you in the lurch.
Yeah. If you guys worked together, you'd be at work,
like, "Hey, Donald, I'm sneaking out for some coffee.
Tell 'em I had an important call."
And then you'd walk in ten minutes later
and Trump will be giving you a funeral,
like, "Rest in peace, Mark.
His fight with butt cancer inspired us all!"
But I guess that's the great thing about America--
you can believe whatever you want.
The intelligence doesn't point to any imminent attacks,
but Trump can reveal that he believes
there were four imminent attacks.
And I can reveal that I believe he's full of shit.