-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show,"
ladies and gentlemen! [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for being here.
Well, guys, here's some good news.
Last night, an FDA panel gave the green light
to the Pfizer vaccine for kids between the ages of
5 and 11.
That's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's right -- kids' vaccines are the best way to prevent
the two things parents fear the most --
COVID and homeschooling.
"I don't know. 3 goes into 5. I don't know!
I'm not a math teacher!"
Yep, this is great.
In a few weeks, you're gonna see bouncers outside
Chuck E. Cheese checking vaccine cards.
"Not today, Timmy. Sorry."
Kids could get the shot as soon as next week.
Great timing -- right after they go door-to-door on Halloween.
"You want to move it up three days?
Who's talking to who here?"
Here's how the vaccine will work.
Older kids can get Pfizer, younger kids can get Moderna,
and the middle child can get Johnson & Johnson.
Come on. They'll figure it out. They'll figure it out.
Pretty soon, you're gonna see a vaccine center parking lot
with white tents, orange cones, waving in little toy Jeeps.
[ Imitates revving ]
Some parents said that they aren't sure if
they're comfortable giving their kids the vaccine.
Then they went back to feeding them
Dunkaroos for breakfast.
They're like, "Yeah, this -- There you go.
You're someone else's problem for the next six hours.
Go enjoy."
Some news from Washington.
This morning, Senate Democrats rolled out
a new tax proposal that would only target
the 700 richest Americans
as a way to help Biden's spending plan.
So that includes Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos,
and Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady.
It's tough for billionaires.
If you'd like to sponsor one,
you can make a difference for just $34 million a day.
Just text "Billions" to 01528.
You know cash is tight for billionaires when
their flights in space have a layover in Cleveland.
But by this afternoon,
Democrats scrapped the tax on billionaires,
and now they might tax millionaires instead.
Yep. When they heard that, Kim and Kylie were like, "Yes!"
while Khloé, Kourtney, and Kendall were like, "No!"
Well, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley, who is 88,
recently announced that he is running for re-election in 2022.
And while a lot of critics say that he's too old
and should retire, I think he's still got it.
Just watch this clip from today.
-I...
don't...
When you don't hold your own accountable --
Let's not forget about Obama-Biden administration.
[ Laughter ]
-It's not a good sign when your staff is nearby
with a set of jumper cables.
You know, they're like...
"Right goes on right nipple?"
When an aide said, "Senator, are you alright?",
he was like, "There's a senator here?"
"No...
but..."
What? What are we doing?
I think the whole world just needs to take the weekend.
-Yeah. -Tomorrow's the weekend.
Just take the weekend. We'll come back Monday.
We'll figure it all out. Yeah.
Some movie news.
Today, Pixar released the first trailer
for their Buzz Lightyear origin story.
-Ooh! -Yeah, a Buzz Lightyear prequel.
It's about how he first goes to space
as a publicity stunt for Jeff Bezos.
But the prequel looks interesting.
For instance, I had no idea that when Buzz's family arrived
at Ellis Island, they changed their name from Lightyearinelli.
-Really?
-"Buzzscucci Lightyearinelli," yeah.
Did you guys see this?
There's a new dating show in the U.K.,
and it's kind of similar to "The Bachelor,"
but there's one big difference.
Just take a look at this.
-David, who do you think is a love trap?
♪♪
-Cherie.
-Whoa! [ Laughter ]
Whoa!
-Wow! [ Cheers and applause ]
-Gosh!
-It got awkward when he was like, "Wait, I meant Becca.
I'm sorry."
Yeah, it's just like "The Bachelor,"
but instead of being escorted out in a limo,
they were taken away in an ambulance.
Some more entertainment news.
I read that Netflix is looking to build a new
TV and film production studio in New Jersey.
Yeah. And, apparently, Netflix is even coming out with
some New Jersey-themed TV shows.
-Really?
-Yeah. I'll show you what I mean.
First up, there's "Bridge and Tunnelton."
-Oh!
-Next, there's "Squid Game: Just the Tracksuits."
Next up, instead of the show "You," there's "Youz."
-Hey!
-And, finally, there's "Ohhhhh-zark."
Come on. You liked that.
"Ohhhhh-zark."
Well, some business news.
The outdoor-clothing company Patagonia
just introduced its own collection of natural wine.
Finally answering the question,
"What is the whitest sentence you've ever heard?"
Wow! Patagonia wine. -Patagonia wine.
-Natural. -Natural wine.
Sorry. I apologize.
Listen to this.
The largest 3D-printed neighborhood in the U.S.
is currently being built in Austin, Texas.
The next time a Texas sheriff says,
"This town ain't big enough for the two of us,"
the outlaw can say, "Hold on, I'll print more."
This is interesting.
New research found that Americans get
30 minutes less exercise than they did 200 years ago.
Well, people in the 1800s also gargled with gasoline,
so let's maybe call it a wash, right, don't you think?
Yeah, people in the 1800s led healthier, more energetic lives
and made it to the ripe old age of 28.
And, finally, I saw that a guy in Hawaii
who got into some trouble with the law
tried to flee the scene in a pretty unique way.
Watch this.
-On Hawaii Island, police say this man fled on
a stolen lawnmower after starting a small brush fire.
Witnesses took video of the man
riding the stolen push lawnmower down Highway 11.
-I think it would have been faster if he actually
just pushed the lawnmower and just ran with it.
But he had the last laugh when he held a Weedwacker
in the air and took off like a helicopter.
"So long, suckas!"
Did you guys hear about the Volvo recall?
It's not good. Here, take a look at this.
-Volvo is recalling another 195,000 vehicles
in the U.S.
because the driver-side airbag can explode.
-Explode?!
Oh, man, I just bought a Volvo.
-I'm sorry about that, Tariq.
-It's okay. I still have my old Ram Truck.
I've had it turned off for a while, but it should be fine.
-Oh.
-What "Oh?" "Oh" what?
-Roll the clip.
-Ram is recalling more than 130,000 trucks
because they could catch fire even when turned off.
-What?!
How am I supposed to take my kids
trick-or-treating this weekend?
-I don't know. I'm sorry, Tariq.
-I guess I could give them some snacks from around the house.
I mean, I just bought these really good
Citterio-branded Premium Italian-style Salame Sticks.
-The CDC is issuing a recall on the
Citterio-branded Premium Italian-style Salame Sticks.
-Oh, come on!
-I'm sure -- I'm sure you'll figure something out.
-What else do I have?
Like, what else do I even have in my kitchen?
I guess there's some red, yellow, and white onions,
but I don't even know where they were grown.
-The FDA says that people should throw away any
red, yellow, or white onions
if you don't know where they were grown.
-Fine!
I'll just give them the Butterball ground-turkey
products I have saved for Thanksgiving.
-More than 14,000 pounds of
Butterball's ground-turkey products are being recalled.
-Man, I'm getting so mad, I'm gonna need to take
blood-pressure medication!
-Recall alert this morning.
It's for anyone who takes a blood-pressure medication.
-That's it. I'm done.
-Alright, Tariq Trotter, everybody.
Tariq -- [ Cheers and applause ]
Tariq Trotter. We'll figure it out.
Tariq's gonna cool down.