- You're going to learn how to stop somebody
from interrupting you using verbal techniques.
A while back I made a related video,
with Vanessa Van Edwards, that focused mostly
on non-verbal techniques to prevent somebody
from interrupting you, as nicely as possible.
Since then, I've received lots of comments that say
that some people don't pick up on those non-verbal cues.
So in today's video, we're going to address some
of those questions and look directly at
verbal strategies that are assertive but not aggressive.
If you wanna see that original interview with Vanessa,
I will put link to that in the description below the video.
I wanna give you one point of clarification before the tips.
The goal of this video is not about teaching you
how to put another person in their place or control people.
Virtually every video I make, shows you how to be
at your best, for your side of the conversation.
I don't teach techniques about how to outmaneuver people.
that approach causes more problems than it solves.
The bottom line philosophy is this,
the better you get at your side of the conversation,
the fewer problems you'll have with other people
in most conversations.
These tips are for face-to-face interaction.
If you're having a conversation on the phone,
then you'll have to adapt this advice as best
you can for yourself,
because I don't make videos about phone communication.
Let's talk about some dos and some don'ts,
and the first tip is a do, communicate assertively.
This means expressing your message clearly and concisely,
with a calm and composed attitude.
So here are some sample statements.
Let's assume that you're already talking
and somebody else is signaling
that they want to talk before you're talking turn is over,
or they're actively trying to interrupt you
by talking over you.
Don't stop talking.
Just transition right into one of these statements.
This is level one.
These statements will go from least intense to most intense.
"I'm almost finished."
"Sorry, I'm not done yet."
"Just a second. Let me finish."
And if you've already said one of these in a conversation
then you can follow up
with a statement that's a little bit more intense.
"Please, I'm asking you to let me finish."
You can put these in your own words,
just make sure you're following the other principles
we'll be talking about in the video.
I've heard some people add statements to this like,
"Let me finish so I don't forget what I'm saying."
And if that fits your style,
adding a detail like that is nice
because it explains why you don't want to be interrupted.
The second do is using the right tone
of voice and projecting the right attitude.
If you say these with a kind and composed tone,
as I've just done my best to model, then you'll
be communicating professionally,
that you're not done talking yet.
In contrast, you don't want to sound frustrated or annoyed.
If those sample statements already sound too direct or pushy
to you, were going to be practicing
them again in a moment to help
you get more comfortable saying them naturally.
The third do is use I-Language.
Part of the reason those sample statements are assertive
and not aggressive, is that you are literally
framing these statements with the word I
or me, rather than saying, you, you, you.
So let's practice them again to make it more comfortable,
and notice the eye language.
I also recommend holding
up your finger or hand about this high.
That subtle nonverbal cue will reinforce your words.
So say these along with me.
"I'm almost finished."
"Sorry, I'm not done yet."
"Just a second. Let me finish my point."
"Let me finish so I don't forget what I'm saying."
And if you've already said one of these in the conversation,
then you can increase the directness a little bit more
and say, "Please, I'm asking you to let me finish."
If you struggle communicating assertively,
practice these aloud, role play it on your own,
until they come out naturally,
with very little emotional intensity.
Now, here's some don'ts that are worth mentioning.
Don't use passive-aggressive, nonverbal cues,
like rolling your eyes, throwing your hands up
in the air, smirking, or other nonverbal signals,
that show you're offended in some way.
These will not stop the person from interrupting you,
and you're very likely to increase the tension
in the conversation.
The key is to speak as non verbally, calm, and composed,
as you can, and that's going to help your assertive
and direct statements come across the right way,
and increase the chances
that you will be successful in preventing the interrupter.
Here's another, don't.
Don't use You-Language.
That's the opposite of using the I-Language
that we mentioned.
Don't say things like you, "You interrupted me."
"Would you stop interrupting me?"
"Would you mind not interrupting me anymore? Please?"
"Do you plan to keep interrupting me like this?"
"You are being very rude."
These statements point the finger at the other person,
and try to put the other person
in their place or dominate them,
and that's not likely to work out for you,
and it's not what this video is about.
We're here to learn how to stop the other person
from interrupting you.
You-Language will escalate the situation
and hurt the relationship.
If you have a very direct tone, and you make you statements,
you'll come across as aggressive,
and of course another don't,
is using passive-aggressive combinations of words and tones.
Passive-aggressive sounds like this.
"Excuse me, I'm speaking. I'm speaking."
Anytime you hear people using that overly sweet, or smiley
sing-songy, condescending tone, and they're repeating
themselves like that, it sounds self-righteous and judgey,
and you could probably get away with saying, "Excuse me"
once or twice if you have the right tone,
but in general, that passive aggressive-attitude
I just demonstrated, and that repetition is just
another form of unhealthy control, that'll likely create
bad blood between you and the person you're talking with.
It will also make you look unprofessional
and high-maintenance to anybody else who happens to
be watching.
Passive-aggressive communicators like that often don't even
realize that they're coming across that way,
and they usually have very low credibility
in the eyes of others.
Now, let's go on to level two.
Here's another do.
Give the other person direct feedback about it.
So if you've tried the statements that we've been talking
about, a few conversations in a row,
and the person continues to interrupt you,
then it's time to give them feedback.
You're gonna have this conversation face-to-face,
one-on-one, and as professionally as possible.
Prepare your concise talking points ahead of time,
and practice them aloud,
until you feel both composed and natural.
If you're still hotheaded in the conversation
you might say something you regret.
So let's assume you set up a meeting with this person
who keeps interrupting, you swing by their office,
knock on the door and say hello,
and you're invited in to have the conversation.
Here's some starter sentences that'll help you as a sample.
"I wanted to give you some feedback I hope will be helpful."
"I'm not sure if you're aware of this,
but you have been interrupting me at meetings lately."
"I'm sure you did not intend any disrespect."
"I just wanted to bring it to your attention."
That's four concise sentences.
You could say that in about 15 seconds,
and it's 80% eye language,
and then you politely stop talking, leave some space
for the other person to hear what you said,
absorb it, and respond.
Now at this point in the conversation,
you have done everything that you set out to do.
You've communicated your feedback,
you've assumed no ill intent on their part,
and remember what I said earlier,
your goal is not to control the other person,
you are responsible for yourself.
They are responsible for themselves.
It's now up to them to stop interrupting you.
You cannot force them.
It's important not to think of this conversation
as a competition or a chess game.
So let's talk about how they might react.
Once you say your part,
they may have one of three reactions in the moment.
First, they may say, thank you for your feedback.
They might apologize and say they'll try to do better.
Maybe they just needed your reminder.
Second, they may ask you for some examples,
and want to talk about it more.
Assume they are genuinely curious
about when they've done this and be ready with a couple
of brief examples or a third for a variety of reasons,
they may want to debate you or argue with you,
they may come across as defensive,
but here's the secret to the whole thing.
It doesn't really matter how they react
because you've given your feedback.
So there's no need to debate them,
and if they try to argue, don't attempt to outmaneuver them.
Just listen and respectfully remind them,
that you only wanted to give them the feedback
and it's up to them to do with it what they will.
But I'm willing to bet that in 99% of the cases,
even if they try to debate you in the moment,
the other person will very likely do their best not
to interrupt you as frequently in the future.
So they could be upset, or defensive,
you just stay composed, stay calm,
because you've already done your part.
Now it's up to them to think about that feedback,
and hopefully make a change.
Now if they change, wonderful.
However, if you head into a meeting a day or two later
and they keep interrupting you, go right back
to the fundamentals we mentioned earlier on level one.
"I'm almost finished."
"Sorry, I'm not done yet."
"Just a second. Let me finish my point."
And don't let any frustration show.
Just be at your best,
and when they hear you say that, it'll remind them
of your conversation about it and hopefully that will
make a big difference.
I know you could be watching this,
and feel like giving direct feedback like this
could be intimidating, or perhaps
it won't make a positive difference,
well, I wanna share with you my experience
I had a few years ago.
I was regularly in meetings
with a person who was above me in the organization.
This person would interrupt me multiple times,
in every single meeting.
They didn't like me, from what I could tell,
and disagreed with me on tons of different issues.
When I spoke, I got the feeling
that they were interrupting me as a way to not let my point
of view, or me, into the discussion.
So here's what I did.
First, I followed the process that you've been learning
in this video.
Level one, I signaled several times in meetings
that I wasn't quite finished,
so that didn't work with this person.
Level two, I requested a one-on-one conversation,
and I delivered my feedback almost exactly
the way that you just learned.
It took me about 15 seconds and I stayed composed.
Now, here's the good news.
Even though this relationship was already in a bad place,
I wanna give that person a lot of credit,
because they took my feedback really well,
all things considered, they genuinely didn't seem to
realize they were interrupting me,
and they signaled that they did not want to be the kind
of person who routinely cut off others in conversations,
and they made huge improvements,
reducing their future interruptions by
about 90%, just to a normal level of conversation.
Now, this didn't turn the relationship completely around,
but at least I never had to mention interruptions again.
Now keep in mind, some level of interruption
and overlapping talk, is totally normal.
We are only human, nobody's perfect,
and we should all be willing to tolerate some interruptions
without getting too annoyed by it,
and lots of people confessed in the comments
of that other video I mentioned,
that they had a bad habit of interrupting.
If you wanna reduce your own interruptions,
I recommend watching any of the videos
that I've posted on listening skills.
Better listening skills are really the cure
for your own interrupting habits.
I'll put links to those videos below, as well as,
the interview with Vanessa Van Edwards I mentioned.
I'll put it all in the description, as well as,
some other resources, including a free PDF download
about the five essential communication skills
that every professional should have.
I look forward to reading your comments,
so feel free to put your own thoughts and opinions below.
Till next time, God bless and I will see you soon.