I have a severe anxiety disorder.
"Surprised! But you seem so balanced!" Thank you, madam.
I don't like the term anxiety disorder, though,
I want to give that a different spin.
I prefer to think of it like I'm coeliac
but with an intolerance to hope.
I don't like leaving the house, but I have to leave the house -
that is my job as a comedian.
I think people think that showbiz is quite glamorous - it's not.
Maybe you think they get to stay in nice hotel rooms - that's not true.
I do a lot of rural touring around
Australia, because scum need comedy too, and I was...
It's fine, they're not here, it's the BBC.
A lot of lefties.
I stay in a lot of motels, like motor inns.
I stay in the type of places where they have the Lifeline number
embroidered on the towels.
I stay in a lot of bad motels, and quite often,
when I'm touring, sometimes I'll bring my fiance along with me.
I've got a fiance, it's a man.
It's all right, I know.
"Someone needs to tell that poor girl." No.
"He's been dragging her around since high school,
"they have a local theatre, she builds the sets." No.
I've got a fiance, it is a man.
Sorry, ladies, wrong tree, stop barking.
And if you truly want to be brave and strong in these modern times,
just show someone your internet history, do you know what I mean? Just let them see the real you.
But I'll never do that, you won't ever do that.
No-one in this room, in this country, in the globe,
will ever show anyone anything we've ever done on the internet,
for the pure reason that we've all had a moment, a split-second
in our lives, where we thought we might have been a pervert.
Just a second. We've all had a moment we all went, "Oh, no.
"Oh, no, I'm fine."
Mine was about two years ago,
I was watching episode of Murder, She Wrote.
Angela Lansbury, she plays Jessica Fletcher,
award-winning crime writer, she solves crimes.
She also definitely did all the murders.
Absolutely, absolutely. She definitely did all of them.
Anywhere that she went in the world, she could always just wander onto a crime scene with a book
in her hand, like, "Hello, I'm a writer, let me touch the body."
I want there to be one final episode of Murder, She Wrote
which is her in handcuffs like,
"Yeah, I did it, and I'll do it again, you fuckheads!"
That's all I want my life.
But I was watching this episode of Murder, She Wrote and it was
a crossover episode with Magnum, PI.
Season five, episode three. You know the one.
They were in Hawaii and they were trying to catch these drug dealers,
and both of them, they'd been trapped in this old, abandoned jail
and been wrapped up with this big, thick rope.
And I looked at the rope and I got a semi, and I was like, "Oh, no!
"Oh, no, am I into bondage? Ugh, this is going to be so expensive!"
That was my first problem, I was like, "Ugh, I'm going to have to go
"and buy all this new shit and attach it to myself
"and meet new people, what a nightmare."
But, false alarm, I'm just into guys with a bit of a moustache.
So I was mugged, right,
I was properly mugged by three proper burly muggers.
And the middle one, the leader, he said,
"Give me your phone and your wallet.
And I was a little bit drunk and mouthy when I was 18.
I would not say I was a drunk slut, but, like,
a real estate agent would say that I was vibrant and up-and-coming.
I was spacious. So he said, "Give me your phone and your wallet."
And I said, "What's going to happen if I don't?"
Quite ballsy. The second one, the right-hand man, said,
"Then we are going to beat you up."
And the third one said, "Pretty severely.
And that, by the way, is the exact wording of it.
The most polite mugging that's ever happened in the entire world.
Really, closer to a stagecoach robbery.
"Here's my stuff. Have a good night, boys, good debating."
As I was walking away, this is where it got a bit weird,
and this is how I know that things are getting better.
As they're walking way, the middle one, the leader,
he stopped dead in his tracks, he turned around, he looked at me
dead in the eye and he said, "Hey, just so you know,
"this was random."
I was like, "What?"
He said, "We just don't want you to think this was, like,
"a hate crime or something."
I was like, "Oh, thank you very much."
And he said, "Look, my sister's a lesbian, I think it's really shit
"you guys don't have gay marriage. Have a good night."
I was like, "What the fuck is going on?!" 00:04:00.400,00:00:00.000 APPLAUSE