- How can you stay faithful to your spouse and partner?
There's lots of different ways
of loving and living your life.
But for many of us,
monogamy is still the path we're gonna choose.
And it can be a beautiful, wonderful thing.
It's not necessarily how we're wired, though.
That is to say that we're gonna find
other people attractive.
We're gonna explore via the Simpsons,
one of my favorite episodes, "The Last Temptation of Homer,"
where an attractive new coworker arrives at the power plant
and Homer has to navigate his feelings
for her while trying to be faithful to Marge.
Let's do this.
(jazz music)
- Mindy Simmons.
I think she has a degree in engineering or something.
- Hi, how's it going?
- Voiced by Michelle Pfeiffer .
- Yeah. Ditto.
- Ooh?
(Homer gasps)
- Homer, what's the matter?
- Gotta go.
What the hell was that?
(Jonathan laughs)
- So let's start with his whole, "What the hell was that?"
This is very, very relatable.
Especially if you are raised with an idea
of falling in love with
and spending your life with one person.
There's an assumption that, I mean,
of course we'll think someone else is pretty or handsome
but that my heart will be locked. Right?
We sealed that for my spouse and for my partner
and that we're going to spend the rest of our lives,
best friends and lovers, and that no one could ever tempt me
or cause me to sway.
And we all start marriage
with the best of intentions of that being the case.
But biology says differently.
And in some cases, if you're struggling with your marriage,
that can play a major role.
In Homer's case, he's very happily married.
He and Marge have a very loving relationship.
And that's why he goes, "What the hell was that?"
Because suddenly these feelings come up
and they come up very strong.
Here's the thing, for most people that's gonna happen.
Even if you are in a healthy, committed relationship,
it's going to happen.
And it's more prone to happen
if your committed relationship is at the moment unhealthy.
If you're working through some things,
there is a natural inclination to just want somewhere
where you feel heard, respected, appreciated.
So Homer has these strong feelings.
You know, I've had people come to therapy before
and they say, "I'm worried that I'm gonna cheat on my spouse
because I find this other person attractive,"
and they ruminate and stew on that.
So in a moment, I'm gonna tell you what I would say
to that person, but let's keep going.
- Another day, another box of stolen pens.
- Have a good night, Homer.
- You too.
No goosebumps, no hallucinations.
That last time was just a fluke.
(cars honking)
(Jonathan laughing)
- Homer loves Mindy.
- So what do you guys think of Mindy?
- Seems okay.
Anybody see the game last night?
- Yeah, that Mindy seems real nice.
Homer, what's with you?
You're talking during a coffee break.
Mindy has a motorcycle.
Mo, I need your advice.
- Yeah.
- See, I got this friend named Joey Jojo Junior Shabadu.
- That's the worst name I ever heard.
(man crying)
- Bye, Joey Jojo.
- Lets have a conversation.
I think we'll find we have very little in common.
- Can't talk, eating.
- Hey, my favorite.
- She drools over donuts like he does.
- Okay. So we have one thing in common,
but you know what I hate? Drinking beer and watching TV.
- Oh, not me.
Gotta go, sneak in a quick nap before lunch.
- Foul temptress.
- The foul temptress.
(Jonathan laughing)
Okay. I mean, it is funny, 'cause it's funny writing,
but the fact is there is a tendency
to blame the other person just for existing
and just for being them.
Now, here's we're looking at Homer situations.
So not only does he find her physically attractive,
he starts to see they have a lot of things in common
that he and Marge don't.
Marge isn't a donut person.
And if you watch the Simpsons,
donuts are everything to Homer,
along with drinking beer and watching TV, right?
And taking a nap before lunch.
"I'm gonna take a nap before lunch."
Like, they're at work.
This is a struggle.
The whole grass is always greener idea.
I pick somebody, I want them, I choose them.
But then as the months and years go on,
all the things that we had in common when we were dating,
we start to see more and more of the things
that we don't have in common as well.
And that fills this, you know,
this bigger picture of,
"Yes, we're lined up on a lot of things,
but other things, maybe not so much."
And then you meet someone else.
And at first blush it looks like,
"Look at all these things we have in common.
We might be a better fit."
It's hard.
It's a hard situation to be in.
- Ah!
I mean, hallo.
- I guess we'll be going down together.
I mean getting off toge- I mean...
- That's okay.
I'll just push the button for the stimulator.
I mean elevator.
Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts.
Doh.
- Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts.
- Oh, this is my floor.
(Jonathan laughing)
- Okay. So first of all,
that is some racy writing for nineties Simpsons.
They got away with some pretty strong innuendo there,
but now it's even more difficult 'cause he has confirmation.
She's saying, "Think unsexy thoughts,"
'cause she knows he's a married man.
She has feelings for him too.
And this is, I mean we are already starting
to enter a little bit of a danger zone.
Now we're really getting there.
So John and Julie Gottman have what they call
the glacial cascade into infidelity.
The glacial cascade is called that
because it's a slow gradual process, step by step
from, "I adore my partner and I would never cheat
to now I'm in trouble, to I'm actually cheating.
And I'm someone who never thought that they would do this."
It's 24 steps.
We have our program healing from infidelity
that we take people through in counseling.
If you're worried that you're gonna cheat on your partner,
or if that's already happened in your relationship
in one direction or another,
so don't go through this alone, link is in the description
to do a complimentary 15 minute consultation
with one of our therapeutic team.
Good people cheat.
People in healthy relationships cheat.
It's not just people
who are in unhealthy, unhappy relationships or bad people.
We all have this in us, right?
This urge, this pull in different directions.
So let's talk about how to navigate it.
Let's keep going.
- Home to my loving family.
- Hi, Homer.
Don't kiss me, I'm all stuffed up.
- Hi dad.
- Hi, son.
How are you?
Ew.
- This raccoon stole my lamp job.
- I got speared.
- Ugh.
- [Man] The Burmese melon fly
has over a thousand sex partners,
and suffers virtually no guilt.
- Just do it.
(Homer screams)
Examine your scalp for ringworm.
Hello, hotline?
I'm very tempted by another woman.
Homer Simpson, that's a dilly of a pickle.
Hey, let's conference you with Marge. Huh?
- Job is to show you how miserable life would be
if you married Mindy instead of Marge.
- [Homer] Oh, I would live in a big mansion?
- But what about Marge?
- Marge lives here?
- [Man] Madam president, your approval rating is soaring.
- "Your approval rating is soaring,"
and she just goes, "Mmm."
'Cause that's what she does to everything.
So this is a little further
into the grass is greener idea, right?
We start to justify.
"It wouldn't be so bad if I did this,
we'd all be better off.
Not just me, but my current partner,
they don't want to be with me.
They're better off without me."
Part of this glacial cascade is justifying.
I made a commitment to a person to spend my life with them.
But you know, maybe that's flexible.
Maybe that's fluid.
Our brain starts to play tricks.
Here's the ugly truth,
which we don't really want to consider
when we are in the midst of the temptation of it.
The person that you're tempted by
has weaknesses, has flaws just like you.
If you left your current relationship
to go into that relationship, over time,
the grass would start to look greener somewhere else,
because reality sets in and relationships take work.
The other thing is that if you start a new relationship
on the foundation of a lack of integrity,
of cheating on your current partner to be with this person,
then the person that you would be switching to
knows that you're someone who's capable of cheating
if things aren't going so great.
Your foundation is already shaky and unfirm.
It's already based on, "I'm someone capable of deception
and so are you."
Far better to take a step back
to work on your current relationship or to completely end it
and then get some healing time and then move on,
if that's what you want to do.
But cheating is never the answer.
Lies and deception are never the answer.
It's never gonna go well. Ever
- Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction,
I think we should avoid each other from now on.
Oh, no. I'm sweating like Roger Ebert.
M- Murphy, you, you are a elf.
- That's exactly the teamwork we'd like to showcase
at this year's energy convention.
- Congratulations.
You'll be spending two nights together
in glamorous Capital City.
- Free shower curtain.
- [Mindy] Free shower curtain.
- Mindy? - Homer?
If it weren't for this wall,
we'd be sleeping in the same bed.
- Yeah. Well is there a necessity in today's society.
- Let's do it.
Let's call room service.
- Someone is charging room service to the company, sir.
- Shame.
- Monkeys.
(Jonathan laughs)
- [Both] Foot-long chili dog.
- It's a really gross Lady and the Tramp moment.
- Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastard.
- Get bent.
- No more Chernobyls!
- Go to hell.
- He's just got a brick there to throw it?
- King and queen of energy are
Homer Simpson and Mindy Simmons.
- So obviously it's (indistinct)
- You will find happiness with a new love.
Oh, even the Chinese are against me.
- Open up the "stick with your wife" barrel.
- So that joke is weird.
(Jonathan laughs)
Sorry, I always love this joke
and this and this edit like breezes through really fast.
They've got the two different fortune cookies
and one of 'em says,
"You'll find happiness with a new love."
And then they're like, "Hey we just ran out of these,"
and like, "Well open up the 'stick with your wife' barrel."
Like they've got a barrel of fortune cookies
that says stick with your wife.
I love it.
- Well, I guess you'll wanna come in.
- Okay.
(Homer crying)
- What's wrong?
- Oh, yeah. Like you don't know.
We're gonna have sex.
- Oh, well we don't have to.
- Want to, but then I think about Marge and the kids.
- Look in your heart.
I think you'll see what you want.
- Oh, baby.
- This was a wonderful idea, Homie.
Hey, there's a Turkey behind the bed.
- Mm, Marge.
(Jonathan laughing)
- After a quick peck with Mindy,
which he shouldn't have done,
but he says, "I don't wanna do this,"
and has Marge in the room instead, you know,
invites her for a weekend and does all the things with her.
Here's the thing about staying faithful to your spouse,
'cause this ends well and it ends in a beautiful place.
The fact is if you are drawn to somebody else
it doesn't make you a bad person.
And it doesn't mean you're gonna cheat.
When people tell me- like I've had people tell me,
"I think I'm gonna cheat on my spouse
because I find this other person very attractive.
And what does that say about me?
Does that mean I'm not supposed to be monogamous?
Does that mean that I can't be faithful?
Does it mean I don't have the integrity?"
No. It just means that you find other people attractive,
which is part of our biology.
The more you fixate on it, the bigger you make it,
the more power you give it.
Whereas if you just say,
"Yeah I find this person attractive.
And here's where my commitment is.
And here's where my heart is."
Then it doesn't escalate into this huge thing
in your head that has a lot of power.
And that starts to feel inevitable,
like Homer when he opens the door and he says,
"Well, I suppose you want to come in,"
and then he's crying.
And she says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "Oh, like you don't know,
we're going to have sex."
He's seen it as fate.
This is going to happen.
And he feels awful about it.
But the fact is you can choose.
You can always choose.
Fidelity is a choice.
Integrity is a choice, talking to your spouse and partner
if you're feeling tempted or attracted
or drawn to another person is a choice.
I'm not saying you always have to do that,
in some cases that could go poorly.
But in other cases it could be just the conversation
you need to have.
Some people end up in polyamorous relationships,
and that's the best fit for them.
For a lot of us, monogamy is still the course of action
that we want to do with our lives.
That's that's what I am.
I want to be a monogamous.
I like it just being Alicia and I.
I've been attracted to other people.
I know she's been attracted to other people.
I felt connections with other people, I know she has too.
But this is where the commitment is.
This is where the heart is.
As Qui-Gon Jinn, says to Obi-Wan Kenobi,
"Your focus determines your reality," right?
And one of the things that I think helps
affair-proof marriages, is to eliminate those things
that make affairs attractive.
If you feel a lack of connection in your marriage,
if you feel a lack of support or respect in your marriage,
it might be time to seek a counselor.
It might be time to get some help.
If you feel more naturally drawn to somebody else,
put your energies back into your relationship,
put your focus back into your relationship.
Because if you went with this other person,
odds are the time would come
when that relationship would take focus
and energy and effort.
And it wouldn't just be so effortless and easy either.
If you've made a commitment, honor it.
If you enjoyed this episode,
we've got one on, what do you do
if your kids keep walking over you
and you have a hard time enforcing consequences
without being the bad guy?
This is The Simpsons Gets Therapized.
There's another Simpsons episode
about Homer and Bart's parent-child relationship,
father-son relationship.
Take a look at that.
What else would you like me to therapize?
What pop culture would you like me to therapize?
Let me know in the comments below,
what do you think about this?
How do you affair-proof your relationship?
Let me know in the comments below.
And until next time, keep shining,
we need your light.
Woo-hoo. Here comes the next video.
(jazz music)