Hey Dan here and in this video I'm answering a question from an ENFP
married to an ISTJ about some marital and couple advice and really maybe how
that kind of compatibility between an ISTJ and an ENFP can work this is not
the first time that I have spoken to an ENFP who's been with an ISTJ or ESTJ
and there's some pros and cons to it and we're gonna cover that in this video so
he writes I'm an ENFP and have a lot of challenges with my marriage as my wife
is an ISTJ over the years we've attracted each
other so much because of how we've complemented each other now that we're
stable rich and successful we both lack happiness we both feel like compromising
on everything and as a result neither of us are happy she has tried to change me
and I've tried even more to adapt though there is no light anymore at the end of
the tunnel of this marriage having gained so much together and having
difficulty to understand each other even after 10 years of life together it's
making me feel stuck and I don't know how to make a change thanks for reading
this so thank you for your question and thank you for being so open and honest
with me and the community I'm sure you're not the only one in this kind of
a situation ultimately when we get into a relationship whatever type the other
person is we're making some kind of a choice about the type of life we want to
have say you had an ENFP in an INFP together they're going to experience a
lot more maybe creative energy empathy understanding for each other the odds of
them being as rich and successful or maybe as organized might be a bit lower
than some other couple combinations so we make these choices as to what's
important to us and it sounds like at the time you met having a stable
complimentary relationship that obviously worked out well in terms of
logistical stuff in terms of your career and building wealth and building a
stable life together was important and that's worked out and now you're at the
point to figure out what you want next because once you have that money
instability you're looking for someone who really understands you well someone
to maybe laugh with or to go deeper with that's totally normal now the challenge
from what I understand from your question is how do you make that change
what do you do next and the first thing I would look at is do you want to end
the marriage and I'm sure as an ENFP you just had a bit of a shock there but do
you want to end the marriage and move to something totally new or do you want to
look at some other option may be together you talk about some kind of a
relationship set up there are many different ways relationships can work
there are many marriages throughout the world that work really well in terms of
making things function I mean this is the traditional arranged marriage where
it's meant to function really well and provide some level of wealth maybe bring
in two families together to provide a great stable environment for success and
for the children and perhaps the love and passion and all that other sexytime
stuff is found in other places it sounds like from your message that your
understanding is that both you and her are feeling this disconnect and this
inability to understand each other if that isn't the case my hunch is whether
or not you know it she's also feeling this too this is almost always the case
right with couples where you think you're the only one but no you're both
feeling it so the odds are she's feeling it as well and that may be something you
want to look into him which case I think the best way to go about that would be
starting an open discussion about it and bridging that topic one way might be
looking at books or YouTube channels or resources that are about the kind of
relationship you might want to create and introducing it that way I probably
go that route rather than just bringing it up out of the blue with some proposal
you come up with as charming as you probably are as an ENFP now the other
route if you've decided that this marriage really isn't right for you is
to end it and to make that change and the first thing I would say which is
really important is to make sure that that is a conversation together often us
enfps because we have a good sense of intuition and we think or we understand
other people so we think they understand us they often don't we're often not
nearly as good at communicating as we think we are and we keep a lot of things
in and then snap at some point and it
sounds like you've been adapting and changing to try to fit her and probably
building up a lot of things and so you will need to have one of those moments
of courage and basically rip off the band-aid at some point but I'd encourage
you to have some discussions before and let some of that energy out so that it
doesn't turn really negative or isn't some kind of a shock when that then
happens whenever one person feels really blindsided and therefore betrayed it can
turn sour a lot quicker whereas if it's something that you know you're both kind
of having the same understanding and you can decide on things together that's
probably going to be a lot more collaborative and a lot healthier
approach to making that change if things do need to end they need to end and it's
not going to be easy it's going to be a tough time like any transition but
sounds like for both of you it is going to be the thing that is better for you
that ultimately creates a better life and I know that that's what you want and
I'm sure that's what she wants and so what I'd really look at is how can you
work together to move forward towards that - to make the change but in a way
that can be constructive and perhaps a chance for learning and to move forward
in the best possible way once again thank you for being so honest and
sharing that question with me below in the comments I asked for the support of
the community if you're an ENFP and you've been through a big transition
like this what advice can you share what was it like for you and maybe what would
you do different or what did you learn we'd really appreciate you sharing those
comments and your insights below thank you for watching if you are new to the
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you become the best version of yourself and create the most awesome life
possible for you and those you love. Thanks for watching. Thanks for your
support and see you in the next video soon.