It's a good thing that you're here. We're talking today about the top three
thinking errors that will quickly sabotage your parenting.
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I've worked with thousands of families helping them to identify
the thinking patterns that can quickly send them off in the right direction. I've got three
of those for you today. The most important one is last so listen through till the end. Here's
thinking error number one, if I'm a good parent my children will listen and obey. It's really tempting
to think this because sometimes we observe other people's children and they seem to listen and obey.
Well, we're probably only getting a really short glimpse of whatever's going on for that family
and it's tempting to think that our adequacy as a parent can be measured by how well our kids are
behaving. I've known thousands of parents over the course of my career. I am a parent and don't get
me wrong, I think positive parenting is one of the most important things that we can do for our kids.
Having said that, there's a lot of really great parents whose kids are going off the rails in one
direction or another. I had an opportunity recently to do a keynote at the state prison, a correctional
facility. The room was filled with incarcerated individuals who had not really listened to what
their parents told them to do. Had they listened to their parents, they probably wouldn't be there,
right? Just keep it in the back of your mind somewhere that even good parents have kids
that go off the rails. I've seen it the other direction too, the kind of marginal parents
have kids who turn out pretty well. So, it's not all about the parenting. Parenting is important
I can help you with that but it's not all about the parenting. So, let's get it out of our head
that if we're good enough parents our kids will listen and obey. Here's one of the reasons I think
we need to really watch out for this. Because the next thought is if my kids are not listening and
obeying therefore, I must be a bad parent. You're not a bad parent. In fact, the evidence is strongly
suggesting that you're a good parent. How do I know that? I don't even know you. Well, you're here
aren't you? You're listening to this video, that means to me that you are taking your job
seriously. As a conscious loving parent, you're doing a good job. Now, could you be doing a better
job? Well, yeah, but when is that gonna stop being true, ever? There's always room for improvement.
Look, take this idea into your heart for just a moment. You're a good parent. You're doing a
good job. Let's keep working on improvements but let's start from that point, shall we?
Thinking error number two, things will be easier when my kids are older. I think this thinking error
comes from that traditional way of thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side of
the fence. Whatever it is that we're dealing with currently seems harder. There's a psychological
reason for this. Our brains are attuned to pain, difficulty, challenge, struggle. What I mean is
whatever you're experiencing currently if it creates any kind of challenge or struggle for you
that's the most important significant challenge or struggle on the planet for you in this moment. So,
it's really easy to think that if things were different, if my kids were older, if I lived in
a different place, if I had this or if I had that, or if I'd already accomplished whatever,
things would be so much easier and it's flawed thinking. What we find out is that things change
and things will be different when the kids are older. That doesn't necessarily mean that it's
easier it's just different. For a significant portion of my career I was doing child custody
evaluations for the court. This is yuck work. These are bitter angry divorcing people who can't figure
out how to share their kids and the court would send me in to try to figure out, what's going to
work best for these kids? What's in their best interest? Not easy to do and I've seen a lot of
people make that same error of thinking that oh things will be so much easier when I'm divorced
or things would be so much easier if I were married or if I were single or if I weren't single.
It depends on where they are and their brain tells them that it's easier somewhere else.
What they find is it's just different. You trade one set of problems for another but you also get to
have one set of benefits in place of the other. See, there's always upsides and downsides. Is it
harder when your kids are young? Well, it depends on what you compare it to. There's things that are
easier about that. There's things that are harder about that. As your kids get older certain things
go away other things show up. Are you with me on this? It's really more helpful to think about stage
not age. Now, this is something we go through regularly in our parent coaching programs.
I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining that on this video. But I do have a pdf copy of the
model for you. Go to the URL that's on the screen right now drpauljenkins.com/stages
and you can get a pdf copy of what I'm talking about here the model that we use in our parent
coaching. When I say stage not age just think of moral development. Moral development is all
about how we make our decisions and how we decide what's right and what's wrong and what we're going
to do. How we regulate our behavior. Well, kids, go through these stages of moral development.
At stage one, it's very selfish and self-centered. They don't have an ability really to connect
to other people very well and so it's very demanding and manipulative, this is stage one.
Younger kids are typically at stage one because they're not mature enough yet to do anything else.
When our kids get a little older we expect them to move up to a higher stage. Stage two
is about cooperation. This is when they will listen and communicate. Now, they don't always do
what they're supposed to do but they'll at least communicate with you. This is stage two
and stage three is the highest stage that's where there is maturity and responsibility
and good decision-making that drives their behaviors. So, when we understand the stages
we can understand it's not about how old my child is it's about how they're making their
decisions and regulating their own behavior. That's what we go over in the model. I told you
upfront that I was saving the most important one for last. The biggest thinking error that
I see that sabotages our parenting is this, it's my job to make sure that they
whatever fill in the blanks. Make sure that they are good productive citizens.
Make sure that they obey. Make sure that they get their schoolwork done. Make sure that they do their
chores. Make sure that they are responsible. Make sure that they are respectful. Make sure that they
whatever it is. That's the biggest thinking error that parents make. Because think about it, you can't
make sure that they. Make sure that they're safe. Make sure that they're. I had a neighbor
who accidentally backed over his toddler resulting in the toddler's death.
Now, if it's my job to make sure that they're safe I just failed miserably. Look, accidents happen
and I share that tragic example with you because this is a good parent. My neighbor and his wife
wow phenomenal examples of positive parenting and yet this happened. Now, I share that with you
because we get it in our heads sometimes that it's our job to make sure that they whatever...
and we can't do that because we don't control all of the factors.
Plus there's this little thing called agency. Agency is what I think is a God-given gift to
every member of this planet to direct their own lives. They get to choose this is true for your kids.
Now, sometimes as parents we think well, it would be better if I could just
make sure that they or control their little lives somehow. We share control
the model that I promised you earlier shows how control and maturity interact with each other
and yes we have to take some level of control when they're little. But as our kids get bigger
they start to take more control and whether you share it with them or not is up to you
but even if you don't share it they're going to take it at some point. You cannot control
your children and that's why it's so important to get past this thinking error. It's not your job to
make sure that they anything. Your job is to love them no matter what and even if. Can you do that?
Latch onto that thought for a minute and just see how that feels to you to consider that your job
is to love them. No, you're probably thinking Dr. Paul, I already love my kids. Yes, I know.
So, you're already doing your job. Now, there's that next part no matter what and even if.
We can play the even if game. Even if they hate you? Oh, they've tried that on you. Yeah, you still love them
don't you. Even if they don't obey? Yes. Even if they break the law? Even if they try drugs? Even if they
get pregnant as a teenager? Even if they, you got it? No matter what and even if that's your job.
Does that come as a little bit of a relief to know that your job is to love them no matter what
and even if. Quick recap of those three thinking errors. Number one, if I'm a good parent my kids
will listen and obey. Look, you can be a good parent regardless of what your kids are doing.
Thinking error number two, things will be easier when my kids are older. No, they'll be different.
There's upsides and downsides to everything and thinking error number three, my job is
to make sure that they. No, your job is to love them no matter what and even if, you got this?
Hey, thanks for watching today. Click that subscribe button and share this video with someone that you
think would appreciate it. Remember to grab your pdf copy of the model that I referenced in this video.
Go to drpauljenkins.com/stages. I'll see you in the next video.