Transcriber: gwyn chew Reviewer: Eunice Tan
Thank you.
(Applause)
Hello.
So what do Sheryl Sandberg,
Howard Schultz, Natalie Portman, Melinda Gates, and I have in common?
Since you don't know us all, I'll help you out here.
We didn't grow up in the same hometown.
We didn't attend the same university,
although obviously my alma mater is the best - "Boomer Sooner"!
(Cheers)
Our morning coffee order is not identical.
We don't have the same favorite song.
And we don't have the same favorite travel destination.
What we do share though, is a struggle with imposter syndrome,
and we're not alone.
According to the International Journal of Behavioral Science,
almost 70% of adults
admit to the crisis of confidence that defines imposter syndrome.
They attribute their successes and achievements
to luck, happenstance, charm, other people -
basically anyone or anything other than their own talents and abilities.
In my own life, imposter syndrome manifests
from feelings of needing to be 100% perfect, 100% of the time.
And when I'm not, I flat-out deem myself a failure,
and I shut down.
While I can't say
where Sheryl, Howard, Natalie, and Melinda struggle in their own lives,
in mine, I've identified three areas
where imposter syndrome permeates with greater frequency.
In order to combat it, I've taken back ownership of those three areas:
I own what I look like, I own what I do, and I own what I want.
The first area I've pledged ownership of
is what I look like.
The first time I remember feeling like a fraud physically,
I was 14 years old,
standing in front of floor-to-ceiling mirrors
in a leotard and pink tights.
My body was beginning to change
and no longer looked like a young, slender girl.
This was problematic for me because as a young ballerina,
the dancers I looked up to were elegant and graceful,
and that flowed out of tiny, slender, petite bodies
that I no longer looked like.
(Laughs)
So I coped, not by finding acceptance in myself,
but rather striving tirelessly to achieve a standard I understood to be perfection.
When I was 17, the magazines I thumbed through regularly
were full of images of hyperbronzed, Oompa Loompa-esque models and actresses.
It was apparent then, as it is today,
that I am not meant to be a bronzed goddess.
I am freckly with ginger tendencies and porcelain skin.
But yet again, I was uncomfortable in my own skin, and I hit the tanning bed.
By 19, I was struggling with anorexia and had stage 1 malignant melanoma.
Even if women aren't perfectionists like I am,
it's not uncommon for them to engage in behaviors similar to my own.
Women, particularly, grow up in a world that tells them that their worth
is directly correlated to their appearance.
Parents, even if they don't strictly endorse this stereotype -
evidence does suggest that it impacts their hopes for their children.
A 2014 study showed that American parents googled "Is my son a genius?"
twice as often as they googled "Is my daughter a genius?"
Likewise, searches regarding appearance were far more frequent for girls.
Parents googled "Is my daughter overweight?"
70% more often than "Is my son overweight?"
So actress Melissa [McCarthy] -
here we go -
said about her own weight, not all that long ago,
"I'll be up, I'll be down, probably for the rest of my life.
The thing is, if that's the most interesting thing about me,
I need to go have a lavender farm in Minnesota and give this up,
because there has to be something more."
And she's so right.
We are not defined by our appearance,
and it is absolutely not the most interesting thing about us
as human beings.
And in fact, fixating on it
robs us of the things that actually do make us attractive:
joy, confidence, individuality.
So even though at times,
society and my own brain may try to tell me
that I should strive for certain standards,
I refuse to let that happen
because I have taken back ownership of my appearance for myself.
The second area of my life
I've pledged ownership of to combat imposter syndrome
is what I do.
Currently, I'm the chief operating officer of a family foundation
that supports entrepreneurship, innovation, and community engagement
in Tulsa.
I'm fairly new to the world of philanthropy,
only having been in my role about 2.5 years.
My time before, I spent in the energy industry,
which equipped me with the leadership skills,
financial acumen, and project management background
needed to be successful in my role.
However, when I stepped into it,
I was instantly fraught with feelings of insecurity.
I figured, in no time flat,
my boss would realize she had made a huge mistake
and that I was not qualified at all.
Instead of focusing and reminding myself
of the skill sets and talents I have gained over time,
I focused on deficiencies that I perceived in knowledge and in network.
It's really hard for women particularly to own their abilities and accomplishments
for a couple of reasons.
In the workplace,
women face harsher criticisms than their male counterparts
when self-promoting.
Interestingly enough, women, rather than men,
deem other women who advocate for themselves as highly unlikable.
Compounding this perception problem
is feedback that a lot of women receive when they're little -
that "good girls" should never do anything boastful or braggy or bossy.
So then women grow up
feeling very uncomfortable owning these accomplishments for themselves.
So the third area of my life
that I have pledged ownership of to combat imposter syndrome
is what I want.
So despite having desired to go to graduate school
from the time that I finished my bachelor's degree,
I started putting the needs of my family, my friends, my employer,
my hypothetical, potential, maybe future children -
basically anyone in my life that I assigned value to,
I was putting ahead of my own aspirations.
I was so afraid that taking on this one more thing
would just make me ineffective at everything else in my life
I assigned so much value to.
So I didn't pursue it -
I let my potential fear of failure rule my life.
And I also thought to myself,
despite the fact I was a really good student
in high school and undergrad,
graduate school would likely be different.
I would walk in day one, and people would realize,
"This girl is not that smart; she should not be in this room.
She needs to get the heck out."
So again, I fixated on that and not what I really wanted.
About 18 months ago, the height of my imposter syndrome -
it was at its max.
The weight was the heaviest,
and I was really feeling not so great about myself.
At the same time, a peer of mine was embarking upon a new adventure.
She was moving to the East Coast,
pursuing a graduate degree that she was incredibly passionate about.
And I was jealous.
We had the same fears,
but we were operating in completely different circumstances.
She was letting what she was most motivated by
be her North Star,
and I was letting my crisis of confidence be my guiding light.
What my friend taught me
was that by going after what we're most motivated by in life
and owning that,
we're being proactive to fend off imposter syndrome.
And so today, I'm halfway through my graduate degree, mostly -
Meg, you can maybe tell me I'm maybe not, maybe not.
(Laughter)
And guess what, guys?
I'm not a higher education fraud. Hooray!
(Laughs)
You know, maybe I would like a little bit more sleep
and to read for fun more often than I do,
but I've gone after what I want,
and I have never regretted it a single time.
So as I stand here today, and I pledge to myself
that I own what I Iook like, I own what I do, and I own what I want.
I am freckly with ginger tendencies,
and that's perfect because that's my standard of beauty for myself.
I'm a COO of an organization, and I'm good at my job.
I work hard, and my talents and abilities have earned me that role -
it wasn't luck.
I know what I want in life, and I go after it.
After I finish graduate school,
I want to start a social enterprise
that empowers women's economic independence.
So how will you own these three areas in your life?
You may be in this room now and say,
"I don't identify with imposter syndrome.
I'm confident, I know what I'm doing."
I would encourage you to think about it and let it resonate
and explore what that means for you
so you can be proactive to fend it off from permeating your psyche.
You'll never be a fraud
if you empower yourself to own your own life.
Thank you.
(Cheers)
(Applause)