I've got two five-year-olds.
They're great. I've got this other daughter. That's what I call her.
She's... No, she's magical, she's beautiful,
she's three years old, she's fabulous, but...she's weird.
And I know that seems harsh, but she'll never see this show.
She's weird.
And people say to me, "You can't say that about your own daughter," but she's weird.
I mean verging on sinister.
I'd go that far. She never cries, I've never seen her cry.
Everyone else thinks she's brilliant, "She never cries."
I'm like, "Yeah, don't leave me in the room with her."
LAUGHTER
She's just got a touch of the Damiens about her. You know?
She's sinister. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night,
she's always awake at the end of the landing, just staring out like that.
"How long you been there, sweetheart?"
"A while."
Take this, one morning I went running into her room, she'd had
a nightmare. I went running into her room and she was screaming
and I gave her a big cuddle. I said, "You all right, sweetheart?"
As I pulled her away, she looked past me into the darkness.
I said, "What's up?"
She said, "Daddy!
"The evil monkeys are behind you."
Any other kid you'd say, "Don't be silly, sweetheart, that's just a bad dream."
But with her, I looked.
That's me first response.
LAUGHTER
"Don't do that, love, don't do that."
And the other two, they pick on her sometimes, they pick on her!
And they're bigger than her, but she wins.
And kids have got some nasty fighting techniques, haven't they?
Like the pinch and twist. You know about the pinch and twist?
They grab a bit of chubby leg or arm and pinch it then twist it?
Horrible! Even if two blokes were fighting in a pub car park and one
did that, you'd be, "Mate, that's a bit low, innit? He'd be like, "Sorry, pal!"
One of them came in, did this, right?
They did the pinch and twist on her leg, pinched it, twisted it.
This was the reaction. She went, "Ah, oh!"
And everyone else is like,
"Oh, isn't she great? She never cries." I'm like, "Yeah.
"I think she might kill us in our sleep one day."