- Thanks to Old Spice for sponsoring this video,
more on them later.
Self-improvement mumbo jumbo is all the rage these days,
especially this one jerk who tried quitting sugar,
the internet, went vegan, tried getting up super early,
exercise, and health crap.
These endorphins are amazing!
(gags)
Why so much self-improvement lately?
Sometimes it's nice to just not.
You know, relax.
- That's why I don't do anything.
- No, Lazy Clone, I'm not saying you shouldn't do anything.
- Why am I standing right now?
- That's why I do stuff all the time!
Why am I standing right now?
(breathing heavily)
- I'm not saying you should do stuff all the time either,
Workhorse Clone. - Oh, like a wall sit, okay.
- I mean, don't work yourself to death,
you have to find balance.
- Lunges help with my balance.
(breathing heavily)
- Hey, can you kick some of these chips at my mouth?
- Sure thing, just gotta kinda kick it.
(groans)
Just gotta-- (groans)
Just gotta kinda kinda kick it up.
- Mm. (coughs)
(breathing heavily) (body thuds on the floor)
- And I think they just died.
Yeah, you should probably avoid those extremes.
But I do like trying to improve myself lately.
And I'm going to keep doing it, despite what you say,
people who say don't do it.
And here's a list of reasons why.
(inspirational music) One, it feels good.
(crowd cheers)
Now that I'm older and pretend to be wiser,
I notice that if I try to eat better, exercise,
get consistent sleep, care about how I look,
put on a shirt that wasn't on the floor in the closet,
wear shoes that I actually like the look of,
groom my beard, get a haircut so I don't look
like a grizzled old prospector, workin' on my posture,
tryin' to sit up straight a little bit.
Ow, my neck.
I never really did care about that stuff before,
and in some ways it does make me feel better
and my life not not gooder.
Another thing I'm paying attention to that I never actually
thought I would care that much about is my skin
and how I smell.
I smell pretty good right now.
I've been using Old Spice Fresher Collection.
They sponsored this video,
and I'd like to thank them for that
and for helping me care about stuff.
Basically, what I used to do in the shower
is grab a bar of soap, throw it, done.
(soap thuds) Sometimes I wouldn't even
turn the water on.
I suspected there was more to showering, though,
because, once in a while, I would peer
through the looking glass over
to my wife's side of the shower,
and I think there was a unicorn
in there once, and I thought, (horse whinnies)
"Huh, men have skin, too.
"I should have my own stuff."
And that's when I discovered Old Spice body wash,
and now I have my own realm,
(horse whinnies) The Craigdom of Wheezeros,
as I will probably never call it again.
Sorry about that.
There you will find Moisturize, with shea butter, body wash,
Exfoliate, with charcoal, body wash.
I don't even know what exfoliate means,
but I tell you what.
I'm never gonna refoliate.
And Fiji, with palm tree, body wash.
I have a friend who went to Fiji.
That's unrelated.
This stuff actually makes my skin feel good
and smell good, for once.
When I use it, I say, "This stuff actually
"makes me feel good and smell good, for once.
"Wowee wow wow, bing bong.
"Ping, pow!"
(buzzing)
"Booyah!"
(coughing) (grunting)
And it doesn't hurt, like throwing soap at yourself.
Seriously, stop throwing soap at yourself.
I don't know why that became the standard.
- (coughs) I wanna try.
- Are you still alive?
- Work Horse Clone, can you clean my body?
- Yeah, it sounds like a fun project.
(grunting) (liquid squirting)
- Oh, this feels amazing!
Wow!
- So, Old Spice finally gave us guys body washes
with real freshness forged with real ingredients
because men have skin, too.
Thanks again to Old Spice for sponsoring this video.
Try it out for yourself,
and let me know which one you like best.
And if you have your own unicorn and what color is it
and did you name it?
I named mine Jeremy.
Okay, moving onto number two, FOMO/curiosity.
I honestly wanna know if I'm just missing out
on something awesome.
I hear people say that they lose weight,
and they feel amazing, (triumphant music)
and their poop smells like pixie dust,
and they read a book a day.
And they become the all-seeing,
(inspirational music) all-knowing space baby
at the center of the universe.
I wanna know what it's like to be that baby!
What do I eat?
Would it be boring just floatin' around up there?
Does it make a sound (baby cries)
when a space baby cries?
Generally, I just wanna know what it's like to do stuff.
And since I already know what it's like
to do all the depraved stuff I did in my 20s.
(emotional music) The regret. (sobs)
Now, I wanna see what it's like to do
all the stuff that's good for you, allegedly.
(tense music) Three, fear of getting worse.
(screaming)
This is just theoretical.
I don't know if eating less poison
will make me live longer.
I don't know, if I exercise every day,
if it'll prevent old man groan.
(groans) (sighs)
Actually, I already have that.
But I wanna live a comfortable, happy life,
and I wanna be good at stuff.
And I wanna live a long life,
ideally as a space baby. (baby cries)
But if that's unavailable, a three-eyed raven.
But if that's unavailable, a hot dog at the 7-Eleven.
Those things are kept alive a long time
and, arguably, all-seeing, all-knowing.
So, part of this self-improvement is to try
to maintain goodness for the long haul,
even though it might not even be necessary.
Who knows?
But I'm afraid, so I keep doin' it.
Four, boredom.
(ship horn blares) You gotta do somethin', right?
What else are you gonna do?
TV, movies, board games, camping, paper mache,
tickling your knee like that.
(giggles)
Okay, there's lots of things you can do.
But one of them is to try to improve yourself.
It might be harder, but so is "Dark Souls"
and figuring out what the crap "Lost" was about.
And people do those impossible things all the time.
I believe it was Nietzsche who said it best,
"Life's boring, yo.
"Just do a bunch a stuff to improve yourself
"to trick yourself into thinking
"life has any meaning, don't @ me."
Five, to prove something.
This can be divided into different subsections.
A, you don't know me!
Anyone who says I can't do somethin', (blows raspberry).
Whatever, I'm gonna do it just to spite you.
You can't tell me what I can't do
or whatever Locke said on "Lost."
Yes, doing things out of spite is generally frowned upon,
but lots of great things were made because of spite.
Enzo Ferrari insulted Ferruccio Lamborghini,
and then he went on to make,
I forget what he made, but it was spiteful.
And it was spectacular.
B, I don't know me.
I want to prove to myself that I can get
outta my comfort zone and do the thing
that I previously thought impossible.
I completed a marathon.
Well, I limped over the finish line
slash the last six miles.
Never walk again.
But I completed it, and part of the joy was proving
that I could do it to myself.
Another part of the joy is being able to bring it up
in as many conversations as possible.
It's very useful when there's a lull in conversation.
- Hey.
- Hey, how-- - I ran a marathon once.
- Okay, I--
- Sorry.
We were running out of things to say.
- No, we weren't.
I was actually-- - Much like I was running
out of miles as I approach the end of that marathon.
(laughs)
And C.
- What?
- I'm doin' a thing.
- C?
- And C, they don't know them.
Or to prove one way or another what's true.
People say eating better makes you feel better.
The internet ruins our lives.
You look good, you feel good.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Google it.
Okay, two ways, Google it and do it yourself.
Or ask somebody.
Three ways.
But one good way, perhaps the best way,
is to do it yourself.
For instance, I now know that, if you go vegan,
be careful not to eat too much fiber
because you will then get the poopies.
I feel like garbage.
(lively polka music)
Quitting added sugar does remove the sugar crash,
and you have a steady energy throughout the day,
and everything tastes sweeter.
Now, these things are only true for me.
But I happen to be me.
So, that's very useful.
And there's only one me, right?
- That's right.
- What? (chip crunches)
- Six, challenges are fun!
They're just fun, okay?
You set a goal, and you try to achieve it.
It's like a real life video game
or what they would say before video games.
It's like a real life.
Why did I decide to run a marathon?
Well, I like working towards goals.
And I like accomplishing them.
That's the best feeling in the world.
And I wanna have that feeling.
And challenges are fun to watch, too.
That's basically what sports is.
I believe it was the great football coach,
Vince Lombardi, who said, "Sports are like a bunch
"of arbitrary rules to try hard at
"and get all sweaty about.
"And feel like you did a thing.
"Packers for life!
"Wait, I'm dead. "Packers for death!
"Don't @ me."
Challenges give you something to fight for, to believe in.
And why not make those challenges, like, healthy and stuff?
- Right on! - What?
- But also, don't forget to take it easy sometimes.
- Nope!
(snoring)
- So, to recap, reasons I like to try to improve.
(inspirational music) One, to feel better.
Two, FOMO.
Three, fear.
Four, boredom.
Five, to prove something.
Six, for funsies.
Thank you for watching.
(baby crying)
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I hope this video helped improve something
or some, whatever, moral
(piano key plinks) lesson.
(breathing heavily)