♪ They call me Taystee ♪
♪ 'Cause my pussy be delicious ♪
♪ Like an apple it's nutritious ♪
♪ Like a Clinton it's ambitious ♪
♪ You wanna mess with all that ♪
♪ Bitch please ♪
♪ Use a net you go splat ♪
♪ Best be running stat ♪
- Ooh!
Oh, so cute.
So there I am, topless, sitting on this bulldozer
like in a construction site.
So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties,
and I'm like, what the fuck, again?
Bring it in.
- (laughing) Oh boy.
- Someone say they gonna kill you.
Say it right here.
See they meant you're, apostrophe R E,
as in you are gonna die.
But this some ignorant bitch ass shit.
I can't watch no more Toddlers and Tiaras.
Don't you triviatize, this shit is serious.
I won't support the sexuation of baby girls.
That's some nasty shit.
Even if some of they sequins dresses do be on point.
(cheering)
This ain't the fucking help, bitch.
But you will eat my shit.
So you mean to tell me that somebody else
got a screen saver of your ugly face?
Ah shit, we about to get educated and shit.
I'm fucking Beyonce in a yacht in Saint-Tropez, okay.
Mess with the evil forces,
you'll be out like Cedric Diggory.
I told you, you a full-blown Slytherin.
And I'm a lion-hearted Gryffindor,
with the intelligence of a Ravenclaw.
You ain't stepping on The Goblet of Fire.
Don't be fucking with Harry Potter.
Now you can step up on Ulysses,
everyone says it's so genius, but I call their bullshit.
- All that smoke coming out of your nose.
- Please, you smoke like a hooptie's tailpipe.
Puffing up and down the street. (laughing)
The horse, call that shit horsey horse, get it?
Because heroin's called horse, yo that's money.
I'm telling you people be like,
ooh I need me some more of that horsey horse.
That shit was so good.
Here's the thing about mamas,
they're only mamas as long as they got kids.
Without 'em, what are they?
- Nothing.
- You got to have people.
Especially in here.
You just got to.
- Otherwise you find yourself vulnerable.
All sorts of shit.
- I think I realized that regrets are for people
that have another choice.
You mean the same system who don't give a shit
when some pasty ass cop shoots a black man
for spray painting a wall?
Or selling loose cigarettes?
Or reaching into his pocket for his own damn keys?
You mean that system?
Oh yeah, they're real trustworthy.
That's why they never gonna stop fucking with you,
because of what you represent.
But at least that's only in here.
People out there been fucking with me
my entire fucking life.
They see dangerous, poor, ghetto,
black girl that should be locked up in here forever.
So like, if you wanna trade places, I'm game.
Our fight is with a system that don't give a damn
about poor people, and brown people, and poor brown people.
Our fight is with the folks
who hold our demands in their hands.
Maybe if we do this right,
other prisons will listen too, all right?
We gotta a chance to really change things.
And I'm in there trying to make a difference.
And you know what, I'm good at it.
(laughing)
I love you, Suzanne.
And I'm proud of you.
I'm starting a fund in Poussey's name
that would give microloans to ex-felons
after they've been released.
Y'all are gonna be the first microloans recipients,
from the Poussey Washington Fund!
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yo mama did not name you Pussy.
- Don't fuck with my cooking shows, T.
- It don't matter what you wanna watch,
I'm president of the TV and you can't do nothing about it.
- My honey's been jacked.
- Winnie the Pooh, tales from the ghetto.
Let's get some mother fucking fried chicken
up in here once in a while.
Yeah, I said it. - She said it.
I'm black. - She's black.
- And she black. - I'm black.
- And we like fried chicken.
That shit is delicious, everybody likes it.
Chicken for the people.
I rest my case.
- And three, two, one, go.
- A crazy dude who believes in aliens.
- Tom Cruise.
- Let's talk about healthcare, Mackenzie.
- Oh Amanda, I'd rather not.
It's not polite.
- Well did you see that wonderful new documentary
about the best sushi in the world?
Of course, now that I'm vegan,
I didn't enjoy it as much as I might have before.
- You know, I just don't have the time.
Chad and I have our yoga workshop,
then wine tasting class, and then we have to have
really quiet sex every night at nine.
- Well did you hear that piece on NPR about hedge funds?
- Amanda, let me ask you, what do you think
about my bangs these days?
I mean do you like 'em straight down,
or should I be doing more of a sweep to the side?
- Sweep to the side.
(laughing)
I have an appointment to meet with my guru,
to get a mantra soon, so I'll start right after that.
But before I get my lips injected with ass fat,
so that we can really talk.
Well Amanda has a theory that it's all
because of the cycle of poverty.
And the bad schools, and the government cheese,
and because I'm brown, and my mom was on crack.
But, I think it's because I was just being an asshole.
- I thought you said no mushy shit.
Your hair looked good.
- It did.
You got me.
For whatever future we got.
You got me.
I'm getting out.
- Wait, you ain't playing?
- Nah.
(laughing)
You got them TV titties.
They stand up on they own, all perky and everything.
My hair is yellow as that corn right there, girl.
(laughing)
This is like the Titanic of bad ideas.
Like we're steering out the way of bedbugs
and crashing into an iceberg of chemical burns and shit.
- I will potato her at a future time.
- I know.
(buzzing)
- Taystee, this is a very delicate situation.
- This is some bullshit.
Shit to the bull.
Okay, first of all, the hot sauce
in the commissary is bullshit.
Built on a foundation of bullshit, more like.
Ha, that's what I'm talking about!
See, you and me, we gonna be friends.
Give it to me, give it to me.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Now let's keep going.