I am happy to be here,
if you can't tell by this big goofy smile on my face.
I got a smiley face. I smile a lot.
But that doesn't mean I'm happy all the time.
It's just my default face.
Which is annoying, because it makes it hard
to look like I can keep a secret, you know?
Anyone that smiles this much looks like
they always have something to say.
Like, I walk around with a constant look on my face like,
"Man, you ain't gonna believe this!"
It's annoying. I'll just be smiling,
and everyone just assumes I'm flirting.
I told everyone at work, "Good morning," with a smile,
and now I have seven girlfriends, three boyfriends,
and a meeting with HR.
It's -- It's bad.
This smile is why I couldn't become a doctor.
You can't give bad news with a smile like this.
Imagine bad news like, "Excuse me, sir,
we did the best we could.
That's your dad, right?
Yeah, he not gonna make it."
I am from Orlando, Florida.
[ Cheers and applause ]
There we go.
A lot of people --
Like, everyone assumes anyone from Florida is crazy,
and that's annoying.
Because it's true.
It's hard to deny that we're not crazy
when we have "Florida Man."
And Florida Man is a lot like COVID
in the sense you can't see him, but you know he's out there.
I think New Yorkers are crazy, too.
They just don't acknowledge it.
They just say, "That's New Yawk!"
That's not how you deal with crazy.
I moved here to New York, and I saw a homeless man
arguing with a dog on a subway platform.
And right as I went to get help,
the dog stopped me and was like, "Chill."
And I was like, "Wait! No way! This dog can talk?!"
And the homeless man was like, "Yeah, that's New Yawk."
I moved to New York because I work here now
on "Late Night with Seth Meyers."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And it's honestly one of the best and easiest jobs
I've ever had.
All I gotta do is be Black.
At first, it was a little challenging,
but I'm starting to get the hang of it now.
I just walk around the office for no reason
with a fist in the air.
I love it here. It's like a family.
I call Seth Meyers my uncle, but that's because
where I'm from, anyone that pays you that much money,
you gotta call him something.
I'll be honest.
When I first started, I didn't recognize Seth all that well.
But then I got that first paycheck, and I was like,
"Oh, that is Seth Adam Meyers.
Born December 28, 1973."
According to me and my bank account,
that is the greatest of all time right there.
That's the GOAT. That's the GOAT.
It's like a family here,
and I have a lot of interesting family members.
Take, for example, my grandfather.
Real interesting guy. I love my grandpa.
I told myself, "I want to be on TV before my grandfather dies."
And I've done that.
So he can go now.
[ Laughter ]
I love him, though. He's an interesting guy.
This man literally wakes up from naps like,
"[Snorts] Huh?! Who, what, when, why?!"
And I'm like, "Grandpa, where...
are your pants?
And you need therapy.
You can't keep scaring yourself awake."
I've been trying to convince all my family members
to get therapy, right?
I told my grandpa -- I said, "Hey, look,
I'm thinking about going to therapy."
He was like, "Come on, now. Black people don't do that.
You don't need therapy. Just play basketball."
Imagine every time you got sad, someone handed you a basketball.
Because that's what he did to me.
I brought home a bad report card,
he was like, "Here's a basketball."
I was like, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
He was like, "You gonna need a scholarship."
After my first breakup, he was like,
"Here's a basketball!"
I was like, "What you want me to do, dunk on her?"
After the first 30 minutes of the movie "Up,"
he was like, "Here's a basketball!"
[ Laughter ]
I told my mom -- I was like,
"Mom, you think I should go to therapy?"
She was like, "No. You don't need therapy.
All you need is church."
So we get in the car. She's driving.
I'm in the passenger's seat.
Mind you, the passenger's seat is a major responsibility
in the Black community,
because that means I'm the deejay.
So I'm deejaying, right?
And the radio decides to play Ludacris' "Move."
You guys know Ludacris' "Move."
"Move, trick, get out the way.
Get out the way, trick. Get out the way."
But the radio didn't say "trick."
It said the "B" word.
My mama heard the "B" word and said, "Excuse me?"
I said, "No, mama, it's not me. It's the radio.
It should have said, 'Move, trick.'"
She said, "Don't worry about it."
We get to church. We have a beautiful time.
We get home. I'm waking towards the door.
And a sandal flies by my face.
I turn around.
Another sandal hits me dead in the face.
I don't think some of y'all understand.
Apparently, the first sandal was a distraction
to get me to turn around.
[ Laughter ]
After I take the sandal out of my mouth,
I said, "Mama, why'd you hit me?"
She said, "You should have moved, trick,
and got out the way."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That honestly -- That honestly made me sad.
But then my grandpa came out and was like,
"Here's a basketball!"
I'm Jeff Wright. Thank you guys so much.