LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOLKS YOU KNOW, WE WORK HARD.
THIS IS OUR JOB.
THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE OUR JOB IS-- WE COME OUT HERE NIGHT
AFTER NIGHT AND DO OUR BEST TO CUT THROUGH ALL THE NOISE, ALL
THE LIES AND CALL A THING WHAT IT IS-- NO FOCUS GROUP, NO
MESSAGING.
WE THINK IT COMES OUT THE TALK HOLE.
AND THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I ADMIRE MOST ABOUT JOE BIDEN.
HE'S A STRAIGHT SHOOTER.
AFTER A YEAR OF HOLDING HIS TONGUE IN THE FACE OF CONSTANT
CRITICISM, LAST NIGHT, HE EXPRESSED HIS TRUE FEELINGS
ABOUT FOX NEWS WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT AND WINNER OF THE
"BLANDEST BLONDE" MAN AND "BLONDEST BLAND MAN" AWARDS
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BIDEN WAS MEETING WITH MEMBERS OF HIS ADMINISTRATION TO DISCUSS
THE ONGOING PROBLEM OF INFLATION, WHEN DOOCY TRIED T
Zs IN WHAT I SUPPOSE COULD BE DESCRIBED AS A QUESTION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
<!0> >> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE.
(AS BIDEN): "THAT'S RIGHT.
OLD JOE IS BACK.
I'VE REACHED PEAK, OLD MAN, GIVIN' ZERO MALARKEYS.
PETER DOOCY IS A STUPID SON OF A BITCH.
COUSIN ALICE'S CASSEROLE TUNA NOODLE CASSEROLE-- WET.
YOUR BABY'S GOT A POINTY HEAD.
WEIRD LITTLE GREMLIN."
( LAUGHTER )
ME.
THE MEDIA HAS DESCRIBED THIS MOMENT AS A HOT MIC.
NOT SURE WHY IT'S A "HOT MIC" WHEN HE'S AT A PRESS CONFERENCE
IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF REPORTERS TALKING INTO THE SAME MICROPHONE
HE'S BEEN USING THE ENTIRE TIME.
THAT'S LIKE A CELEBRITY WALKING THE RED CARPET, POPPIN' OPEN
THEIR SHIRT AND GOING, "OOPS, NIP SLIP."
LATER THAT NIGHT, BIDEN DID SOMETHING I FORGOT PRESIDENTS
COULD DO-- HE APOLOGIZED.
BECAUSE HE'S A GENTLEMEN.
AS YOUNG MASTER DOOCY EXPLAINED:
>> WITHIN ABOUT AN HOUR OF THAT EXCHANGE, HE CALLED MY CELL
PHONE, AND HE SAID, "IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL, PAL."
>> Stephen (AS DOOCY): "AND THEN HE TOLD ME, 'I GOTTA
GO.' AND I SAID, 'OKAY.'
AND THEN HE SAID, 'JEEZ WHAT A JACKASS.'
AND I SAID, 'I CAN STILL HEAR YOU.'
AND HE GOES, 'IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL, PAL.'"
NOW, IT IS NEVER-- FOR THE RECORD, LET ME PUT IT OUT
THERE-- IT'S NEVER APPROPRIATE FOR THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TO HAVE A POTTY MOUTH.
BUT IT'S ESPECIALLY EGREGIOUS TO CALL PETER DOOCY A SON OF A
BITCH.
WE DID SOME FACT-CHECKING, AND HE'S ACTUALLY THE SON OF "FOX &
FRIENDS" HOST, STEVE DOOCY.
SO, IF ANYTHING, HE'S A SON OF A DEUCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
A REAL DEUCE BAG, IF YOU WILL.
IT'S TRUE.
WE FACT CHECKED THAT, CHRIS!
ON THE OTHER HAND, HE HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR STUPID IN THE PAST.
>> HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PRESIDENT FRAYED TO THE
POINT THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SUPPORT ANYTHING THAT HE COMES
TO YOU AND ASKS?
>> WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT STUPID?
WHY WOULD YOU ASK SOMETHING THAT DUMB?
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
>> Stephen: McCAIN AND BIDEN AREN'T THE ONLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE
TO LOSE IT OVER A STUPID PETER DOOCY QUESTION.
IT'S BEEN HAPPENING FOR DECADES.
>> ARE YOU A CROOK?
AND DO YOU THINK THAT WILL HURT YOU IN THE MIDTERMS?
>> WELL, I AM NOT A CROOK, BUT YOU SURE ARE A DICK.
>> Stephen: THIS AFTERNOON, AFTER A VISIT TO A SMALL
BUSINESS IN D.C., PRESIDENT BIDEN STOPPED IN TO A LOCAL ICE
CREAM PARLOR TO GET HIMSELF A LITTLE TREAT.
WHAT KIND OF ICE CREAM, YOU'RE WONDERING?
INTREPID REPORTERS REPORTED INTREPIDLY THAT IT WAS
TWO SCOOPS-- LIGHT COLORED FLAVOR ON BOTTOM, DARKER ICE
CREAM ON THE TOP.
OR AS MITCH McCONNELL WOULD DESCRIBE IT, DARK ICE CREAM AND
ICE CREAM.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: I GET IT, I UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
SO OLD MAN ENJOYS FROSTY TREAT, END OF STORY, RIGHT?
WRONG.
IMMEDIATELY, THE RIGHT WING GOT THEIR FUDGES IN A RIPPLE ABOUT
THIS, LIKE FAR-RIGHT AGITATOR BRIGITTE GABRIEL, WHO TWEETED,
"THE ENTIRE WORLD IS CRUMBLING, THE ECONOMY IS CRASHING, AND
WHAT IS JOE BIDEN DOING?
GETTING ICE CREAM."
YES, EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE ICE CREAM WHEN YOU'RE
THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.
IF THAT MAN GETS A BRAIN FREEZE, TECHNICALLY, KAMALA HARRIS IS
PRESIDENT UNTIL IT PASSES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BIDEN-- BIDEN-- KAMALA HARRIS FANS.
KAMALA HARRIS FANS.
THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.
BIDEN HAS BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN A HOT MIC AND A COLD TREAT.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT THE SITUATION IN UKRAINE, OR AS
VLADIMIR PUTIN CALLS IT, "MY-KRAINE."
( LAUGHTER )
OVER THERE, BUT ONE GUY WHO DOESN'T SEEM TOO CONCERNED IS
UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO ASKED HIS BARBER FOR THE
BUSINESS DRACULA, VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY.
LAST WEEK, ZELENSKY HAD THIS FOR THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE:
>> WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
ONLY ONE THING.
DON'T PANIC.
KEEP A COOL HEAD.
BE CONFIDENT.
BE CONFIDENT IN OUR ARMY AND OUR UKRAINE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S A GREAT MESSAGE, BUT WHY IS HE SAYING IT
SO FAR TO ONE SIDE?
"DON'T PANIC.
YOU MUST TRUST ARMY.
THERE IS NO REASON TO HAVE YOUR BAGS PACKED AND YOUR CAR
RUNNING.
DING-DONG.
OH, THAT'S THE DOORBELL.
I WILL BE BACK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ FOR THEIR PART, RUSSIA IS
POINTING THE FINGER AT US FOR THEIR LOOMING INVASION.
AFTER MOVING IN MORE THAN 100,000 TROOPS, RUSSIAN
OFFICIALS BLAME WESTERN AGGRESSION FOR THE CRISIS.
THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE BACKWARDS.
BUT AS DOSTOEVSKY WROTE, "HE WHO SMELT IT, DEALT IT.
HE WHO EXPLAINED IT, UKRAINED IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SOME PEOPLE-- DOSTOEVSKY FANS.
UNBELIEVABLE.
SOME PEOPLE AGREE WITH RUSSIA, LIKE DISGRACED FORMER NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISER AND MAN ABOUT TO SHOW YOU HIS BOX OF BABY
TEETH, MICHAEL FLYNN.
IN A NEW OP-ED FOR A RIGHT-WING WEBSITE, FLYNN CLAIMS THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION HAS SOLD AN ILLUSION THAT THE POTENTIAL
RUSSIAN INVASION OF UKRAINE IS NOT JUSTIFIED, REASONING THAT AN
INCREASED NATO PRESENCE IN EASTERN EUROPE WILL CAUSE AN
EXISTENTIAL THREAT TO RUSSIA.
THAT'S VLADIMIR PUTIN'S EXACT ARGUMENT.
FLYNN WENT ON TO WRITE, "THOSE WHO SAY A MAN CAN'T RIDE A POLAR
BEAR SHIRTLESS DESERVE POISON UNDERPANTS.
NIPPLES WERE MEANT TO BREATHE.
IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH, VLAD?
PLEASE DON'T RELEASE THE PICTURES."
FLYNN'S--
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
WHAT PICTURES?
WHAT PICTURES, JON?
>> Jon: HAVEN'T SEEN THE PICTURES.
>> Stephen: SHERBET.
FLYNN'S NOT THE ONLY RIGHT-WING APOLOGIST FOR THE MURDEROUS
DICTATOR.
THERE'S ALSO FOX NEWS HOST TUCKER CARLSON, SEEN HERE
( BOOING ) SEEN HERE AS THE GREEN M&M MELTS
IN HIS MOUTH, AND IN HIS HAND.
ON LAST NIGHT'S SHOW, OLD TUCKERNUTS DEFENDED PEOPLE LIKE
FLYNN WHO WERE ROOTING FOR RUSSIA TO INVADE UKRAINE FOR THE
THIRD TIME.
>> WAIT A SECOND.
WHY IS IT DISLOYAL TO SIDE WITH RUSSIA BUT LOYAL TO SIDE WITH
UKRAINE?
THEY'RE BOTH FOREIGN COUNTRIES THAT DON'T CARE ANYTHING ABOUT
THE UNITED STATES.
KIND OF STRANGE.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU'RE KIND OF STRANGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CAN YOU-- WHAT DO YOU EVEN SAY TO SOMEONE WHO MAKES AN ARGUMENT
THAT DUMB?
>> SHUT UP, PUTIN STOOGE.
( APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
MAYBE HE'S BEING INFLUENCED BY HIS NEW SPONSOR:
COMRADE PILLOW: SLEEP SO GOOD, IT MAKE GIRLS GO WOW, WOW, WOW.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JOY REID AND THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."