NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THERE'S SO MUCH GOING ON IN THE
WORLD RIGHT NOW, BUT WE WANT TO TALK ABOUT A BIG STORY THAT JUST
BROKE TODAY.
SOME PHOTOS HAVE SURFACED OF ORLANDO BLOOM.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE INTERNET IS GOING CRAZY FOR
THEM.
BLOOM AND HIS GIRLFRIEND, KATY PERRY, WERE IN ITALY AND THE
PHOTOGRAPHERS GOT PICS OF ORLANDO PADDLEBOARDING WHILE
COMPLETELY NUDE.
NOW -- [ LAUGHTER ]
HERE -- A WOMAN LITERALLY OVER THERE JUST WENT "I HAVEN'T SEEN
THIS!" [ LAUGHTER ]
"HOW HAVE I NOT SEEN THIS?" WELL, THEY'RE OUT THERE, BUT
THIS IS A CENSORED PHOTO, OF COURSE, SO THERE YOU GO JUST
THERE.Ñiñr IF YOU LOOK -- IF YOU LOOK
CLOSELY AT THE PHOTO, YOU CAN SEE ORLANDO BLOOM, A GIANT OAR
AND WHATEVER HE'S USING TO ROW WITH.
[ LAUGHTER ]Ñi I MEAN, HONESTLY.
THAT THING, IT REALLY FOLLOWS YOU AROUND THE ROOM.
IT REALLY DOES.
ONE WEEK AGO, KATY PERRY WAS SPEAKING AT THE DEMOCRATIC
NATIONAL CONVENTION.
NOW SHE'S PADDLEBOARDING WITH A NAKED ORLANDO BLOOM.
AND ALL I WANT TO SAY IS IF THIS ISú(
CLINTON IS OFFERING, I'M IN!ñr [ LAUGHTER ]ñrÑi
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ] NOW,xD MEANWHILE, THE 2016 SUMMER
OLYMPICS ARE HAPPENING, AND APPARENTLY, THE CONDITIONS IN
RIO ARE SO BAD THAT THE U.S.
BASKETBALL TEAM HAS OPTED AGAINST STAYING IN THE OLYMPIC
VILLAGE DORMS, AND IS INSTEAD STAYING ON A CRUISE SHIP THAT
THEY'VE DOCKED IN THE HARBOR.
NOW, I UNDERSTAND NOT WANTING TO STAY IN THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE, BUT
WHY WOULD YOU SWITCH TO A CRUISE SHIP?
YOU BASICALLY TRADED A DIARRHEA CITY FOR A FLOATING DIARRHEA
CITY.
[ LAUGHTER ] IN FAIRNESS, MAYBE THE NBA
PLAYERS WHO WOULD WANT TO STAY AT THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE IF IT
WASN'T CALLED "A VILLAGE."
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
VILLAGE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAKE UP
AT 5:00 A.M. TO GO MILK A GOAT.
BUT WITH THE BASKETBALL PLAYERS NOT BEING IN THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE
IT MEANS THEY'RE GOING TO MISS OUT ON ALL THE SEX.
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS BUTTED THE OLYMPIC
COMMITTEE -- THIS IS TRUE, RE REG -- THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEEÑi
ANNOUNCED THEY'LL BE HANDING OUT 350,000 CONDOMS AND 175,000
PACKETS OF LUBE.
THAT'S RIGHT, 175,000 PACKETS OF LUBE.
OR AS BRAZILIANS CALL THAT, "A WEEKEND."
NO, BUT THERE'S GOING TO BE A LOT OF SEX AT THE OLYMPICS.
BUT IN THE ATHLETES' DEFENSE, THE ACCOMMODATIONS IN RIO ARE SO
BAD, THE CLEANEST PLACE TO SLEEP IS ON TOP OF ANOTHER PERSON.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT THE OLYMPICS ARE ONLY TWO
WEEKS LONG, RIGHT?
AND EACH ATHLETE GETS 42 CONDOMS CONDOMS.
WHICH I GUESS EXPLAINS THEIR NEW LOGO.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
42 DIVIDED BY 14 DAYS COMES OUT TO THREE CONDOMS PER DAY.
ALL RIGHT?
THREE CONDOMS IS MORE THAN I USED FROM AGES 23 TO 27.
[ LAUGHTER ] I KNOW, YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE
IT'S TRUE.
BUT ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T SEEM TO NEED CONDOMS ARE
MILLENNIALS.
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY MILLENNIALS ARE HAVING
SIGNIFICANTLY LESS SEX THAN PREVIOUS GENERATIONS.
I KNOW, LIKE, WAIT, YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THE PEOPLE
RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO CATCH POKEMON AREN'T GETTING LAID?
SHOCKING!
I'M SHOCKED.
[ APPLAUSE ] WHEN I READ THIS STORY, LIKE, I
GOTTA SAY, I USED TO THINK THE MILLENNIALS WERE COOL, BUT NOW
I'M JUST NOT SO SURE.
THINK ABOUT IT, THEY'RE NOT HAVING SEX, THEY'RE LIVING WITH
THEIR PARENTS AND THEIR BIGGEST IDOL IS THIS GUY.
[ LAUGHTER ] THAT'S ACTUALLY A PICTURE OF
BERNIE SANDERS RIGHT AFTER HE SAW THOSE PHOTOS OF ORLANDO
BLOOM.