So I knew this guy who thought he did everything he could for his wife,
but the wife was just completely unhappy. And he couldn't understand why.
He would say, "But look! I'm doing all these things for
her..." But here was the reality...
He never told her how much he loved her, he never told her how beautiful she was.
In his mind it was like, "Why is all that fluff necessary?
I make sure to support the family, and take out the trash,
and fix things... I'm showing her real love,
why are those extra words necessary?"
Alright, so that is the equivalent of
someone who speaks English going to China and speaking with people who don't understand
English, and being confused about why it's not working...
"Why don't they understand me?! I'm speaking English,
it's the best language in the world, how can they not understand me?"
So the whole idea here is that people speak different love languages.
In this example, the man's love language was acts of service.
And his wife's love language was words of affirmation.
And he spoke the language of acts of service and expected his wife to feel loved,
which is again kind of like speaking to a Chinese person
who doesn't speak English and being surprised and angry that he doesn't
understand you.
So the five love languages are: Words of Affirmation
Quality Time Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service and
Physical Touch.
And one of the things that has made my relationship with my girlfriend so enjoyable
for over two years now is that we have the same primary love language,
and it's quality time which is closely followed by physical touch.
The most enjoyable thing for us is when we cook an amazing dinner
and then sit down and just spend time with each other.
Or when we go on a date and just spend time together.
And it's the same thing with physical touch. We can sit around for literally hours
just holding and touching each other and it doesn't have to be anything sexual.
So that works out really well but for her, words of affirmation are really important
as well. For me, I don't really care so much about
it. I don't have to be told how pretty I am every
day, I'm fine without that.
But at the same time, I don't make the mistake of thinking,
"Well, I don't need it so it's not important." No, I tell her how beautiful she is,
because why wouldn't I? Even though that's something that I personally
don't need I find it really enjoyable to do it for her.
Now here's a little difference between the book and this...
The whole idea in the book is to figure out what your partner's need is and then meet
that need. So let's say you've been married for 30 years,
and you hate each other, that can be a great way to make the relationship
better. But the ideal situation for me
is to start with a person who has about the same disposition as you.
So going back to my girlfriend, we have almost an identical disposition
except for words of affirmation. But that's fine...
That's a language that even though isn't natural to me,
I like it, I want to speak it. It's kind of like French,
it might not be my natural language, but I like it.
But... And there's a huge BUT here... Let's say her primary love language was acts
of service. What that means is that
she's not going to feel loved when we cook an amazing dinner,
and sit down, and look at each other, and appreciate each other.
She's going to feel loved when I take out the trash.
Now the advice is, well, figure out that that's what she needs
and then do it, and you know what,
I could do that in the short run. But in the long run,
that's going to lead to resentment. I just hate the whole idea of even thinking
about it. So I guess if you've been married for 30 years,
and everything sucks, then yes,
taking out the trash and meeting her need can make your relationship way better than
it is. But my advice for a truly amazing relationship
would be to to pick a partner with roughly the same disposition.
It's kind of like, if you hate German.
You just hate the way it sounds, you never want to hear it in your life,
and then you start a relationship with a German girl.
And you get the advice, "Well, just meet her need
and speak German with her." And yes,
it will be better than talking with her in a language that she doesn't understand,
but it would also be way better to start with a French girl because you love
French.
So those are the five love languages: Words of Affirmation
Quality Time Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service and
Physical Touch.
And my advice would be, figure out what your love language is...
Try to find a partner who has a similar disposition. Realize that there will be slight differences,
like words of affirmation in my situation, and adjust to that if that's going to be something
that you know you will enjoy. But otherwise,
if it's something that you know you don't like,
don't just be like, "Well, I'll just accomodate that."
I guess if you're in a relationship which you're not going to get out of
for different reasons like marriage, then that can be the best thing that you can
do, but otherwise,
make sure you're going to enjoy meeting your partner's needs.
You don't want to be the guy who only enjoys physical touch during sex
stuck with a girl who wants to snuggle on the couch
for three hours, and trying to accommodate that.
And you don't want to be the girl who enjoys going on amazing dates and spending
quality time stuck with a guy who doesn't feel loved by
that and instead feels loved when you wash his
dishes.