At the radio station, Hammond dragged us straight into a planning meeting
with the show's nervous-looking producers.
So if we come out...
At the top of the hour, you've got news and sport and then weather.
Hold on a minute. It just says "Story" there. What story?
These are items throughout your programme.
We've got to think of things to talk about?
On the day we did this show, there was no shortage of material.
John Prescott, for instance, had been caught with his trousers down.
Is this not the single most amazing story ever?
And Charles Clarke had lost a thousand immigrants.
So what did James think would most interest the listeners?
When you're at the jet-wash,
should the bonger go off halfway through the cycle, or at the end?
Also, the show was going out live, which could be a problem,
given the loose connection between Jeremy's brain and mouth.
The average week, the audience is 250-300,000.
-Not all of them are in invalid carriages. -What?
-You said invalid carriages. -What's the word?
You want to make sure he doesn't say things like that.
Right! Now, I want you to show me how I control this eight-foot gorilla.
What do you suggest I do?
The meeting rambled on for ages, during which time nothing got sorted.
I love the idea of reading the news, butt-naked.
And then, with just over an hour to go...
I still don't understand any of this.
So, at quarter past and quarter to,
there are the headlines that James can read.
With half an hour to go, Jeremy suddenly announced, worryingly,
that he'd been working on a plan.
Tonight, there won't be a single queue or jam in this region,
because I'm doing the travel on this show.
With zero hour fast approaching, even Jeremy got busy.
Got it.
As I acquainted myself with the studio,
James set about mastering the station's other technical equipment.
With just a few minutes to go, a quarter of a million Southern Counties listeners
were starting their journeys home.
Richard, where's the turntable? I brought the records
Jeremy, there is no turntable!
It's 2006!
And they were all expecting their usual slick and helpful drive-time show.
You've got your interview first, haven't you, as well?
-What? What interview? -Oh my God, that's me.
I haven't got the... James, you can't just nick...
We were primed and ready.
BBC Southern Counties radio.
Good luck, everybody! Here we go.
That shouldn't have happened. I'm going to fade it out
and then you're going to talk.
Right...
Is that it? Is that your intro?
Can I just say good afternoon? This is still BBC Southern Counties...
We weren't what you'd call slick.
-Can I do the weather? -Yeah.
I've lost it. Have you got the headlines?
-Yeah. -Go on then.
-Yeah. No, you do them. -I haven't got any headlines.
And the jingles Richard had brought along were dreadful.
See what you think of this one. It's great.
I've been driving in my car Listening to Jeremy Clarkson...
-How much did you spend making those? -£5 a pop.
No matter. We would redeem ourselves with my new, brilliant
and extremely complicated traffic system.
What I've done here is I've fixed up a link
between the Highways Agency's headquarters in Godstone, Surrey,
so, I can see all the traffic cameras from all the motorways in the region.
Now, what's happening is, we've got an outside broadcast truck at Godstone.
It's firing its signal up to a satellite 22,000 miles in space,
back down to White City in London.
They're firing it down to a switching station in Tunbridge Wells
and here we are in the studio, looking... If I can swing the camera round now,
we can get it off the main pictures. I can even zoom in.
With full control of the cameras, Jeremy could reveal his big plan.
Instead of telling you where the traffic jams are,
I am going to give you the registration number of the car that has caused them.
So, he's not just reporting on the traffic, he's bossing it about.
Now, who's this, coming down in a Volkswagen van?
You're leaving a 200-yard gap there. Now, close up.
While Jeremy was shouting at the traffic,
James and I were getting to grips with the music.
Don't tell me. As promised earlier, it is Wang Chung and "Dancehall Days".
You sprung that on me. Do you want to do that again, James?
As promised earlier, it is Wang Chung and "Dancehall Days".
Maybe just once more.
-Just play something else. -Oh, all right.
-Oh, it's right! -Yeah!
He's no idea.
I'd just like to apologise...
BBC Southern Counties Radio travel.
Hello... is that me?
That was slick.
It was time for another of Jeremy's rubbish travel reports.
Oh, now, look! Here we go.
Somebody in a... It seems to be a Land Rover Discovery
has jack-knifed while carrying a trailer.
It's a 4x4, good job it was. That's why he's still alive.
Lucky he didn't listen to the Liberal Democrats on that one.
The two outer lanes of the motorway, please get out of them,
'cause they're blocked by an idiot in a Mitsubishi
who's managed to crash into his own trailer.
People are moving over far too soon, which means
that the motorway network is not being fully utilised.
We paid for it. Drive right up to the crash. Use it.
And then get your window down and tell the man what you think of his driving.
-Precisely. -What we've got here is a travel flash.
My thanks to Janice, she tells us that in Dorking High Street
a caravan has come adrift of a car blocking one lane.
The police are in attendance.
Police, are you armed? I hope they are. They can shoot the driver.
Thank you very much. That's the travel with Jeremy Clarkson.
Even we could see the show was pretty bad, but then, it got worse.
Hammond mistimed a trip to the loo
and while he was in there, a song finished.
Hello? Is that...? Is there somebody there?
-Is anybody there? Hello? -Hurry up! Come on!
-Two, four, six, eight, James May... -What?
Then, I forgot I was going out live.
-Well, he's ginger and he's Welsh. -Okay.
And then we upset the station's sports reporter.
204 for 9, the latest score. Carl Hopkinson, 45.
Rana is 26 not out.
Three wickets apiece for Dominic Thornely and Sean Irvine.
-Sorry! Sorry! That happens. -As for Surrey...
253 for three, is that good? I don't understand.
They've got 253 runs, and they've lost three wickets. It is cricket.
It's a game that's been played in this country for about 300 years.
-What, the same game? -Get the Observer's Book Of Cricket.
It'll tell you all of the regulations that you need to know and then you'll be okay.
We're now...
I'm sorry!
Worse still, my traffic system really wasn't working out as planned.
The cameras were not giving enough details,
so my reports were becoming a little vague.
Jeremy, go!
It's all completely hopeless. Everywhere I can see people in Astras, M25...
Godstone's jammed up at Junction 6. Don't use it! Don't use it!
Stay at work. Be productive and buy a helicopter.
It's not particularly helpful what you're telling them.
I therefore decided to personalise my reports.
-Hello there! -Hello, how are you?
Bit fed up. I can't work out whether I'm supposed to be turning off the M25 or not.
-We're trying to get home! -Where are you?
-I'm going anti-clockwise. -Anti-clockwise. You, my son, have had it.
-Oh, thanks a lot. -Just... I'm screwing it up.
With the traffic system ruined, we were running out of things to say.
If you use a jet-wash, should the bonger on each cycle go off at the end
of the cycle, or in the middle? If it goes off in the brush cycle
and you've only done the bonnet, you've had it.
The switchboard began to light up with angry listeners,
one of whom was called Mrs Smith.
Hello, Mrs Smith!
I came home from work at five o'clock and what a load of rubbish this is!
-I think it's absolutely dreadful. -But...
I've been an avid listener to Southern Counties for a number of years.
For God's sake, bring back Dominic, Busby and all the rest of them.
It's all a load of rubbish. Thank you and good night.
With the locals ready to lynch us, we decided to get out early.
This is a nine-minute song. By the time it's over, our show's over.
Do you want to walk through Brighton after the show we just did?
I've got my car round the back.
-By the time this is over we can't be... -Just get out the back.
-Run. -I'm going!
Sorry!