I never talk about the bad days, cause I always felt like sharing my own struggles would be
triggering for people.
I want to set an example, I want to be strong for those who are watching, but it's hard
to do that when life hits you with a brick.
I really want to say I'm okay, but I'm not.
And I know I'm not depressed, pretty sure I'd know if I was.
But I overdose on thinking and it doesn't do me any good.
I've been going through a lot of stress recently, which makes my hair fall out, my skin break
out a lot, and my feet go numb.
Clearly my body is not handling this well.
And it's hard for someone who has cured severe acne to look at yourself in the mirror and
see it all come back.
And I get so angry at myself for being a prisoner of such an unimportant issue.
So...I try to convince myself that all of this is temporary and it'll go away when things get better.
Cause... I mean, who's got the time to put on make up just to go buy some groceries when there are
so many books to read, film to watch, records to play or people to meet.
Unless you have social anxiety and you hate meeting people.
Anyway.
I gotta tell you.
It's really weird, knowing what you're running from but not knowing what you're searching for.
I don't know, I constantly feel like something has ended but nothing new will start.
I see all these people, these people that are perceived by society in general as weird
or crazy.
These spiritual hippies running around the woods naked.
I see them and they seem to be the happiest people on earth.
As uncomfortable as they might make you feel, there's something there and you have to admit it.
They seem to posses some secret knowledge that we are all missing out on.
You go on social media and you're instantly flooded with people trying to tell you that
the only path in life to follow is money and fame.
You see these influencers, always dressed up, glorious apartments, constant traveling
and luxurious hotels.
Most of the online speaches that are meant to inspire you are about you becoming rich and succesfull.
What about the people who don't want that?
Can't I just enjoy serving coffee in a tiny bar, can't I just be happy and content with
making ends meet and getting a cheap cabin in the woods once a year as my holiday?
Why do people think that's weird?
Do I really want all the stuff that social media is trying to shove down my throat or am I
actually working a job I hate to buy shit I don't need?
I don't know.
More often than not, I don't really believe that life makes any sense or has any purpose.
But I still wait.
I wait, hoping that the universe will prove me wrong and give me something worth living.
It doesn’t happen often.
But once in a while, I go hiking.
I reach the top of a mountain, after a long and exhausting yet a very satisfying climb, I take
in the overwhelming beauty and the mightiness of the landscape.
The deep green of the trees, the bright blue sky, the nearby peaks, hidden in the clouds.
I breathe in the air and feel both completely alone, yet at one with everything that surronds me.
I go back down, to this wooden shack.
I sit in the sun, feel its rays on my skin.
I can hear a symphony of sound in the background.
A stream nearby, some kids playing, the sheperds dog barking, the sheeps' bells ringing, some
humming cars on a highway somewhere in the distance, the leaves rustling in the gentle breeze.
All this is so simple yet it brings me inexpressible joy and a sense of calmness.
So I open up a cold beer, laugh with my friends in the warmth of the evening.
And just for today, I let myself forget about all the dark thoughts.
I let that which does not matter, truly slide.
And in this brief moment, the universe is like “I got you sister, here’s your
one serving of the “life’s worth living” drink.
Don’t leave us just yet, because I've got more of these in store”.
So, as you can tell, I’m still here, although I thought about leaving.
And, I suppose, that...
Just because we’re all fucked, doesn’t mean we can’t have a good time along the way,
while it all lasts.
And the question I leave you with is:
have I lost my mind, or have I actually found it?