- IT'S THE VIEW OUTSIDE PEOPLE'S DOORS AND WINDOWS
THAT HAS WALNUT CREEK NEIGHBORS DOING DOUBLE TAKES.
YES, THAT'S A GUY WITH A RIFLE STRAPPED ACROSS HIS BACK
WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK.
- THIS IS MY GRANDDAD'S GUN FROM WORLD WAR II.
- 19-YEAR-OLD JOHN SCHULTZ ALSO WEARS A BULLETPROOF VEST,
CARRIES AMMO, AND KEEPS A KNIFE.
- I HAVE ZIP TIES ON AS WELL, JUST IN CASE.
- MY KIDS DON'T EVEN COME OUTSIDE
'CAUSE THEY'RE SCARED.
- HIS WALKS VARY, DAY AND NIGHT.
IT'S MOSTLY FOR PICKING UP GARBAGE.
- IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH THE GUN OR THE BODY ARMOR.
IT'S THE PERSON.
- BUT THERE'S TILL THE GUN AND THE BODY ARMOR.
- YEAH, IT JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE THERE.
- GUNS WERE SO COOL BEFORE NERDY WHITE KIDS
STARTED USING THEM TO GET EVEN.
THAT'S G.I. JOHN, AND SO HELP YOU GOD IF YOU LITTER
IN HIS PREDOMINANTLY COLORED...FUL NEIGHBORHOOD.
JOHN IS WHAT WE Y.A. FANS WOULD CLASSIFY AS A DAUNTLESS.
WE WOULD'VE AIRED THIS REDEMPTION A FEW WEEKS AGO,
HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR A MUCH MORE DISTURBING
GUN-TOTING LUNATIC ON THE NEWS.
WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY DO WE LIVE IN
WHERE AN ASSHOLE COMEDIAN LIKE ME
IS PULLING BITS OFF THE AIR OUT OF RESPECT?
EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL COMFORTABLE
AS LONG AS JOHN AVOIDS CHURCHES, MALLS,
ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS, AND MOVIE THEATERS...
OR VIRGINIA TECH.
I KNOW PIRATING MOVIES IS A CRIME,
BUT DIVING ON TOP OF MY GIRLFRIEND
TO KEEP HER FROM GETTING SHOT SEEMS A LOT WORSE.
WHY IS IT THE FOLKS WHO WANT GUNS FOR PROTECTION
HAVE THE LEAST TO PROTECT?
NOBODY IS TRYING TO STEAL YOUR BOWLING TROPHIES
OR YOUR 46-INCH VIZIO.
POLICE GET A FREE GUN JUST FOR DROPPING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL
AND COMPLETING AN OBSTACLE COURSE.
AS SOON AS PRESIDENT TRUMP LOOKS INTO IT,
GUN VIOLENCE WON'T BE A PROBLEM ANYMORE.
HE'S NOT SURE HOW OR WHEN, "BUT IT'S GONNA BE TREMENDOUS."
GUNS ARE THE ONLY WAY STUPID PEOPLE CAN WIN ARGUMENTS.
THEY'RE LIKE UNCIRCUMCISED PENISES.
I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE THEM,
BUT WHEN I HOLD ONE, I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.
BUT DESPITE THE RIFLE, BODY ARMOR,
AND ARYAN-NATION HAIRCUT,
JOHN MAKES A LOT OF SENSE.
THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD,
WHERE LIBERAL CELEBS WHO HATE GUNS
GET RICH MAKING MOVIES THAT GLORIFY THEM
IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
THANK YOU.
I'M EXCITED TO BE AROUND ME TOO.
METEOROLOGISTS PREDICT A STRONG EL NIÑO THIS YEAR.
WITH A NAME LIKE THAT, DONALD TRUMP THINKS THAT MEANS
IT WILL GROW UP TO BE A CRIMINAL AND A RAPIST.
[LAUGHTER]
I KID THE DONALD.
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE COMICS
BECAUSE HALF OF HIS ACT IS ABOUT ME.
[LAUGHS]
I KID.
PLEASE WELCOME COMEDIAN ANDY KINDLER.
- THANKS, BILL. YOU'RE A RACIST HACK.
- SHE'S ONLY OUT HERE
BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST HER ALONE BACKSTAGE: MY HOOKER.
AND FINALLY, HE'S KNOWN FOR SCARING HIS NEIGHBORS
WHEN HE'S UNNECESSARILY PATROLLING THE STREETS
WITH A LOADED GUN, MY OLD JOB,
JOHN THE RIFLE KID, EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET STARTED.
- I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU PRACTICE YOUR HORRIBLE MONOLOGUE
IN FRONT OF A MIRROR BEFORE THE SHOW
SO IT DOESN'T CRACK YOU UP SO MUCH?
- NICE.
I'M GLAD YOU GREW YOUR HAIR OUT.
YOU LOOK LESS CREEPY NOW.
- OH, YEAH.
- HOW OFTEN DO YOU PATROL YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
- WHEN I'M BORED.
- SO HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK? ONCE A WEEK?
- PROBABLY THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY.
- THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY.
- IT CAN BE, YOU KNOW, 3:00 A.M.
- YOU PATROL AT 3:00 A.M. WITH A LOADED RIFLE?
- IN THE VIDEO, YOU SEE THE BOLT OPEN.
I'VE ACTUALLY HAD POLICE COME TO ME AND SAY,
"IT'S NOT SMART TO BE WALKING AROUND WITH AN UNLOADED GUN,"
AND THEY'VE TAKEN IT FROM ME AND LOADED IT AND SAID,
"YOU'RE WALKING AROUND WITH A BRICK, ESSENTIALLY."
- WHICH ALSO COULD DO A LOT OF DAMAGE.
- HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO SWITCH THINGS UP
AND ACTUALLY, LIKE, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
YOU KNOW, JUST FOR-- JUST FOR A CHANGE.
- IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD PREDOMINANTLY BLACK?
- YES.
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHY BLACK PEOPLE WOULD BE A LITTLE CREEPED OUT
BY A WHITE GUY WALKING AROUND WITH A RIFLE?
- OH, YEAH.
I UNDERSTAND,
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GONNA STOP.
YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S PART OF THE CONSTITUTION
AND THE BILL OF RIGHTS THAT, YOU KNOW,
WE NEED TO SERIOUSLY STEP UP.
- DO YOU RACIALLY PROFILE?
- NO. I HAVE A LOT OF-- - THAT'S GOOD.
- I HAVE A LOT OF BLACK FRIENDS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD
THAT RESPECT ME.
IN FACT, WHEN I GOT STOPPED BY THE NEWS,
YOU KNOW, AND THEY WERE FILMING,
I WAS STANDING AT THE CORNER.
THEY PULLED UP.
THEY WERE LEAVING TO GO KAYAKING.
- BLACK PEOPLE GOING KAYAKING?
- OH, HELL YEAH.
- THAT, MY FRIEND,
IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
- THIS SHOW RELIGI-SUCKS.
HUH?
- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT?
THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS OR THE PART ABOUT MILITIAS?
- MILITIA.
- WHY NOT JOIN THE MILITARY?
- I HAVE ALLERGIES AND ASTHMA.
- YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR.
UGH.
POLLEN WILL RUIN MY DAY.
- ONE TIME, [BLEEP] PEED ON ME.
- OH.
AND THE BULLETPROOF VEST-- DO YOU THINK THAT'S A BIT MUCH?
- THIS IS FOR ME.
- IS THERE A LOT OF GUN FIGHTS GOING ON IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
- OH, YEAH. WE'RE OUT IN THE COUNTY.
YOU CAN SHOOT GUNS, AND THERE'S BEEN
DRIVE-BY SHOOTINGS IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD,
LIKE, THE DAY AFTER I MOVED OUT.
- YOU'VE SINCE LEFT THAT COMMUNITY.
- YES. - YOU'RE IN A NEW COMMUNITY,
I HOPE DOING THE SAME CRAZY STUFF.
YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE LITTER?
- YEAH, AND-- - WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- I'LL TALK TO 'EM.
- ARE YOU LEGALLY ALLOWED TO SHOOT LITTERERS?
- NO.
- YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ADDING A BAYONET
TO THE RIFLE SO IT'S EASIER TO PICK UP TRASH?
- I HAVE. I HAVE.
- ARE YOU A GOOD SHOT?
- YES, I'M VERY PROFICIENT.
- HOW MANY CONFIRMED KILLS DO YOU HAVE?
- THERE HAS TO BE A WITNESS FOR A CONFIRMED KILL.
- OKAY, YOU DON'T...
- HEY, BILL, YOU'RE 59 YEARS OLD,
AND YOU WEAR GRAPHIC TEES ONSTAGE.
EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
- I MEAN, BILLY, HOW LONG IS THIS BORING-ASS SHOW AGAIN?
- WHAT OTHER ACTIVITIES DO YOU LIKE TO DO
FOR GOOD EXERCISE?
- I MEAN, LIFT WEIGHTS.
- WHAT ABOUT THAT FIGHTING?
THAT UFC STUFF. YOU LIKE THAT?
- MM-HMM.
IN FACT, MY PASTOR, RICK HOCKER,
WAS ON THAT SHOW.
- THE FIGHT CHURCH.
- YOU GUYS LIKE TO SEE ME FIGHTING ANOTHER PASTOR?
- OH! THAT GUY'S A GENIUS.
- THAT'S MY CHURCH.
- YOU GO TO FIGHT CHURCH. - YES.
MY PARENTS WERE MARRIED THERE, ACTUALLY.
- DO THEY KISS THE BRIDE, OR DOES HE, LIKE,
PUT HER IN, LIKE, A REAR-NAKED CHOKE HOLD?
- [LAUGHS]
- MY FAVORITE FRIDAY NIGHTS
ARE WHEN YOU'RE ON HIATUS; I LOVE IT.
- YOU THINK OBAMA WOULD TRY TO TAKE YOUR GUNS?
- HOW?
- I DON'T KNOW.
YOU THINK HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB?
- [LAUGHS]
AT FAILING, YES.
- BILL, I LOVE HOW ALL YOUR JOKES ABOUT OBAMA
FOLLOW THIS STRUCTURE:
SOMETHING, SOMETHING, THE--
BOTH: BLACK GUY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- WOULD AMERICA BE SAFER
IF EVERYONE HAD A GUN?
- [SCOFFS]
- NO. - NO.
- WHAT IF EVERY AMERICAN HAD TWO GUNS?
'CAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT COOL THING
WHERE YOU HOLD, LIKE-- AND YOU'RE, LIKE,
RUNNING DOWN A HALLWAY OF A HOTEL
JUST SHOOTING BOTH SIDES.
- DO THAT THING WHERE
YOU BLAME THE AUDIENCE WHEN THE JOKE IS WEAK.
- COME ON.
YOU GUYS COULD GIVE HIM MORE FOR THAT.
- RIGHT. IT'S THEIR FAULT!
- ARE YOU PREPARED TO DIE FOR YOUR CUL-DE-SAC?
- WAIT ONE SECOND, JOHN.
HEY, YOU KNOW, IF YOU AND JIMMY FALLON HAD A BABY,
IT'S FULL NAME WOULD BE
"BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PEOPLE WHO RUINED COMEDY."
- DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO EASY TO GET A GUN?
- IT'S TOO EASY FOR PEOPLE TO GET GUNS ILLEGALLY.
- HOW DO WE FIX THAT?
- I HAVE NO CLUE.
- PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE THAT STRONGER BACKGROUND CHECKS
AND INCREASED FUNDING FOR MENTAL HEALTH
WILL SUBSTANTIALLY REDUCE GUN VIOLENCE.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M PAYING YOU FOR.
ARE YOU IN GOOD MENTAL HEALTH?
YOU EVER BEEN TESTED? - MM-HMM.
- YOU HAVE?
- MY MOM WORKS FOR THE VA.
- WHAT, DID SHE GIVE YOU JUST A FREEBIE?
- MM-HMM.
SHE'S A MENTAL-HEALTH NURSE AS WELL.
- AND SHE SAYS YOU'RE FINE.
THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR.
[GUNSHOT]
- I THOUGHT HE HAD A GUN.
- WHY WOULD I HAVE A GUN?
I'M A JEW.
I WAS JUST HOPING TO GET MY PARTING VALIDATED
BEFORE I SAID THIS NEXT HORRIBLE THING ABOUT BILL.
- MAYBE THERE IS A GOD.
- THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID.
- THAT WAS SEXY AS [BLEEP].
- IT'S MY GRANDFATHER'S RIFLE.
- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- THERE'S NO WAY I'M PAYING FOR THE FULL HOUR.
LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE TAKING SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD HOME TONIGHT.
I KID. ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S OUR SHOW. THANKS TO OUR PANELISTS.
ALSO, COME SEE ME LIVE.
I WILL BE PERFORMING AT THE PECHANGA CASINO,
THE MOHEGAN SUN CASINO,
AND THE MORONGO CASINO.
BASICALLY ANY CASINO
WITH A DREAM-CATCHER IN THE LOGO.
GOOD NIGHT.
YET ANOTHER COMEDY BRIDGE BURNED.
THANKS, ANDY.