(upbeat hip hop music)
- If we could tell you young people anything,
we would tell you enjoy your motherfucking youth
while you got it.
Whatever the fuck you trying to do
in your dreams and shit, do it right the fuck now.
(audience cheers)
While your body is still with you.
(audience laughing)
'Cause the rest of us would tell you
this getting old shit is for the birds.
That shit do not let off.
Once it's on your ass, that's it.
Your ass gonna get old right now.
(audience laughing)
It's fucked up. Fucked up.
We didn't know it was gonna be like this.
I used to laugh like shit at my grandfather
making all that noise getting out the bed.
He -- (groans) (audience laughs)
I'm over there, judging this shit.
Look at this lazy ass nigga. (audience laughs)
He know ain't nothing wrong with him
at 6:30 in the god damn morning.
(audience laughing)
Now we're getting older.
We see this shit is for the birds.
Your mind is still young
but your body has checked the fuck out.
(audience laughs)
You ever told yourself to get out of bed
and yourself didn't listen? (audience laughs)
You was like, it's time to go on and get out the bed now.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna go on and get out the bed now.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna lay here 10 more minutes and get my shit together.
Ten more minutes.
(audience laughing)
Your body has given the fuck up.
You start getting older. You gotta change shit.
I used to be able to watch TV all night long.
Not no more.
Now I gotta take my stupid ass to sleep
'cause these motherfucking commercials is too scary
and too not specific.
You scared and don't even know what the fuck you scared of.
I know I'm not the only person in here who think
he might, maybe, could possibly have mesothelioma.
(audience laughs)
Don't none of us know what the fuck it is!
They just keep scaring us with it!
You might have it, you might have it, it's worth some money!
Every time I cough I think I done caught it
(Kat coughs)
Now I done fucked around and caught Mesothelioma.
(audience laughs)
No, I drank that miso soup that one time.
I think that's where it comes from, I'm not sure.
- I feel different.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
(audience laughs)
Yeah. Going through menopause right now.
You say "sorry"?
Yeah, yeah. It's the worst.
Oh my God, the hot flashes. Ooh.
The hot flashes are the worst. They are crippling.
All the sudden you just flop sweat.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going to pass out.
They're awful. They're awful.
There's no way in the world
men would put up with hot flashes. No way in the world.
I think if a man had two hot flashes
they would blow the sun up.
(audience laughs)
You go out and they got the missile pointed to the sun.
Hey, what are y'all doing?
Oh, Bob got hot.
(audience laughs)
Did you, Bob? Yeah. Yeah.
Just, just was, seemed like it started in my balls
and just my balls got hot and just awful.
I'm gonna turn that off. Cool it down.
(audience laughs) Cool it down.
What the hell? I mean, ladies, come on.
We got a shitty hand that we were dealt, right?
Is it a design flaw? What the fuck!
All right, so let me get this straight.
This is our plight, right?
Okay, so when you're young, you're fertile,
you're producing eggs,
you're bringing life into the world, right?
You bringing life into the world.
Then you get older, no more eggs.
You can't bring any more life into the world.
So they just set you on fire.
(audience laughs)
What kind of shit is that? (audience laughs)
You know, I've always said, you know what?
The older I get, the less I care.
But you know what? There's science behind that.
There's science behind that, yeah.
Because when you're young, right?
Your body's producing estrogen.
Now, estrogen, that's that hormone
that makes you compassionate, makes you empathetic.
Makes you say sorry all the damn time for no reason.
Ladies, you know how many times we say sorry for no reason?
Like, even when it's not your fault,
like you at the grocery store,
somebody runs into your ankle with the grocery cart,
and you're like ooh, ooh, sorry my ankle was in your way.
(audience laughs)
That's that estrogen.
And then when you get older, it drastically reduces.
You're not producing estrogen like that anymore.
Yeah. So it's not the older you get, the less you care.
It's the older you get, you're just becoming a man.
(audience laughs)
That's why you don't give a fuck.
And becoming a man indeed, oh my god.
If I go four days without tweezing
(audience laughs)
I could have a nice situation going on right here.
The other day I pulled a hair out of my neck
that was so long, I thought my neck was growing bangs.
I was like what the fuck is this?!
How long has this been here?!
I could see it out the corner of my eye!
(audience laughs)
- I can tell I'm getting old cause I was playing ball
with some young dudes the other day
and somebody said get old school.
I said who the fuck you talking to?!
They was talking to me!
Age is a motherfucker, ain't it?!
(audience laughs)
Cause you be looking in the mirror like I look good!
And when you go outside,
they go you getting older than a motherfucker.
(audience laughs)
I don't know what the fuck I seen this morning, shit!
I was playing ball with some young dudes, man.
We were playing the shit,
they don't like playing with older guys
cause older guys like me, you know what I mean,
we don't play no defense til we hit a shot.
As soon as we hit, get back, get back, get your man,
get back! (audience laughs)
Man, get the fuck out of here.
That's your first fucking shot today.
You telling a motherfucker to get back?
You get your old ass back. (audience laughs)
It's a lot of old men in here
cause there's a bunch of Chryslers outside.
(audience laughs)
They got Chryslers and Polars and Cordobas.
(audience laughs)
Yeah. I can tell I'm getting old
cause I used to be able to piss
from here to that wall right there.
Now I pee on everything. Toilet seat, floor,
leg, foot, hand, wall. (audience laughs)
You know the older you get,
you get a built in sprinkler system in your dick.
(audience laughs)
The hole will be open, but it come out five ways.
(Mike imitates water splashing)
That's why I tell fellas you better use your penis
as much as you can because it's going to die before you.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, man. You keep living if you want to,
you gonna be by your motherfucking self.
Your dick gonna die, fellas.
So if a woman get mad if you ask for some pussy,
so fucking what? I'm working on borrowed time down there.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, tell her, shit.
And women tell each other.
If your dick don't work,
they'll tell another woman in the community
and the whole place -- yeah!
And you can tell the women that heard about it
cause they be looking at you going like that --
That's the third fucking woman that said -- to me.
What the fuck is going on around here?!
(audience laughs)
You done said something, Barbara!
(audience laughs)
- You're gonna get older,
you gotta make sure that you are aware
of what's happening with you, you know?
When you get older -- when guys get older --
when you're young, your body's tight.
No sounds come out, nothing.
(audience laughs)
Culo -- tight. It's 18. Nice.
You get older, you're walking --
Hey, open this thing for me
opening some pickles in the summer.
You're turning --
(audience laughs)
They come into the kitchen -- (George sniffs)
The pickle, who bought the pickles that smell like shit?!
(audience laughs)
Take 'em back. Take 'em back.
(audience laughs)
And tell 'em that they smell like shit. Take 'em back!
You try to stay young, you can't.
You're walking, (indistinct) give out.
(George imitates cracking sound)
(audience laughs)
You go to the bathroom.
You think you're done pissing, more pissing comes out.
It's like trying to learn how to drive stick all over again.
(audience laughs)
So be happy when you're young.
Live every day as the greatest day of your life.
Live every day -- (audience cheers) Live!
Don't wait to be sick to want to live,
fucking live when you're fucking healthy!
That's when you're really living.
You're not worried about anybody else.
You're doing your own shit, you know?
You get older, your kids grow up.
They love you, not fighting anymore.
You know, you're not drinking to blackout.
(audience laughs)
The holiday season, any holiday.
Fucking somebody's blacked out.
Next morning, you wake up, somebody's got a black eye.
They're like chingon, what happened to you?
(George breathes heavily) You fucking asshole!
(audience laughs)
That's probably what it was.
That's a bad attitude to have, you can't --
If you talk like that to people
they're going to fuck you up.
(audience laughs)
- You start getting older, shit change.
You got to deal with it.
When you young, the only way you can hurt yourself
is if you in an accident.
You start getting older, you can fuck yourself up.
(audience laughs)
Not doing a god damn thing.
(audience laughs)
You young, you have to hurt yourself to be in accident.
You get older, you see your friend.
He got a cast on all his ribs and shit.
God damn, nigga, did you get in a car accident?
Nah, I fucked around and yawned too fast.
(audience laughs)
I caught my body off guard.
I wasn't stretching or nothing like that like I should.
I just, out of nowhere, yawned --
ripped all of that up right there.
(audience laughs)