If you've ever been cheated on by a boyfriend, if you've ever been in love with a man who
had a strained relationship with the truth, if you've been hurt so many times that you
believe that men have to earn your trust, ask yourself how your love life is going right
this second.
And presuming you're not in a safe, happy relationship right this second, stick around
to learn how you could trust once again and get the relationship you deserve.
I'm Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for smart, strong, and successful women and your personal
trainer for love.
Welcome to the Love U podcast, stay at the end of this video to learn two stories of
Love U clients who almost sabotaged their great relationships with their lack of trust.
When we're done, I'll show you how you can apply to Love U to create a passionate relationship
that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
I throw a lot of metaphors out there.
Here's one that I've been throwing around.
I don't know if I nailed it, but I want you to let me know.
You work in an office with no cases of coronavirus.
It's a great job and you're well compensated, but there's only one problem.
Every day when you leave the office, someone in security pats you down to make sure that
you're not stealing any office supplies, and goes to your computer to make sure you're
not browsing any sites that you shouldn't be browsing, or posting anything on social
media that the company wouldn't want you to post.
They score everything that you do to make sure that you're loyal to the company and
that you're not stealing from the company.
So, they're monitoring your computer.
How does it feel to go to work where you have a great job, but as an innocent person, you
feel like a criminal because someone else stole from the company, and someone else did
something wrong which is punitive?
It's not fun and it doesn't make you feel good about yourself or about the people that
you work for.
Because as I say, often I said in the last podcast, you're innocent until proven guilty
or not guilty until proven innocent.
Trust is a big issue.
Without trust, you've got nothing.
What I've noticed as a dating coach for smart, strong, and successful women is that a lot
of people feel like trust is something that becomes earned over time.
You're starting from a negative.
You're starting from nothing.
And you have to earn your way to being a good person.
And my belief is that you start with, “This is a good person.”
And if they do things that erode your trust, then you should summarily leave that person.
You can't have a relationship with someone you don't trust.
You can't mistrust someone who hasn't done something wrong to you.
You can, but then you'd be like the company that strip searches its employees and searches
their computers.
This brings me into the story of two different Love U clients that I've coached this year
who joined me — sad and despondent.
One woman's fifty-three.
One woman is sixty.
One woman was married three times and chooses narcissistic bad boys.
The other one has gone thirty-five years without a relationship because she's been abused and
had problems related to self-esteem, confidence, obesity, a whole bunch of things affecting
her.
Both of these women found boyfriends by the time they graduated Love U.
And both of these women almost blew it with their boyfriends because of their insecurities,
their past and their lack of trust.
So, I just want to walk you through these stories because I think they're illustrative
of the kind of thing that could happen when you're operating from a place of fear and
scarcity.
We will call her Jessica.
Jessica is my client, who was sixty and hadn't had any serious relationships in her adult
life.
She's dating a good man.
He was enthusiastic about her.
He became her boyfriend.
He treated her right.
He really was the best relationship that she's ever had.
Not to give you a spoiler, they're still together.
I emailed her today to get permission to tell the story.
They're still happy.
So, this has a happy ending.
But Jessica's dating this guy and he's gone through some loss like anybody in their 60s
who may have gone through some loss.
His daughter has cancer.
And while he's suffering through taking his daughter to doctors and things like that,
his crazy ex-wife reaches out to him to offer her feelings, condolences, and support.
She even sent him flowers, which I think is a nice gesture.
The guy doesn't say anything to my client, Jessica.
When Jessica found out that he received flowers from his ex-wife, she felt angry and disrespected,
like he was being weird, secretive, and these are the signs of a cheating man.
Jessica was right and we're not thinking the worst of her because she had this reaction.
She has these contradictory impulses.
“Number one, she does have the right to privacy.
He has the right to not tell me.”
She thinks that, but doesn't feel that.
She feels that something's off.
“This is the sign of a shady, untrustworthy person, and I have no tolerance for that because
of men in my past.”
So, Jessica broke up with him.
She broke up with him instead of trying to hear his side of the story or put herself
perhaps in his position, and consider why would a presumably good man (he's been a good
man the entire time they've been dating) act the way he did?
Now, I understand when I spend an hour on the phone with her coaching her through this
issue.
So, I want to validate her position.
Her position is that it's wrong to do as her boyfriend did because she, Jessica, witnessed
infidelity growing up in her family, and is therefore suspicious of any male activity
that's not husband and wife.
His position, which I think she should have considered before she broke up with him, is
that in his lifetime, including his ex-wife, he's dealt with really insecure women who
make a really big deal about things like this.
That's my experience, unfortunately.
So, he is trying to minimize the damage.
He's trying to do damage control and events and not make a big deal about it.
What's the point if women are going to flip out that your ex-wife gives you flowers?
What's the point of saying anything?
There was no value in telling her because she'd act you got it exactly the way she acted.
That's why he didn't tell her.
So, there's this loop, this trust loop here where women say, “I want a man to tell me
the truth.”
And then a guy's like, “The reason I don't tell you the truth is because you can't handle
the truth.”
Mistress, in this case, the truth, there was nothing shady or nefarious.
His ex-wife was concerned about him because their daughter had cancer.
I know you could understand her side.
HE SHOULD TELL ME.
But what about his side?
He's 50 percent of the equation here.
What's the point telling the truth if the truth is going to upset you?
“This is an ex-wife who I've told you that I don't get along with.
We have a bad relationship and she's crazy.
She's not a threat to this great relationship that we have right now.”
I talked with my client, Jessica.
I walked her through the same thing I just shared with you, took a little bit longer
with it.
And sure enough, she went back to her boyfriend, took ownership of her own insecurities and
apologized.
They've been good two months since that happened.
I like the happy ending.
Remember, when I'm telling these stories, I'm not playing the men, good women, bad card
men, confident women and secure in this case, this was 100 percent about her insecurities
and she knew it.
He was gracious enough to forgive her for her insecurities and for overreacting to something
that didn't deserve that kind of reaction.
That leads us into the next story.
I've got a client.
Her name is Noreen.
She's in her early 50s.
She's stunning but has a bad man picker, historically married three times.
Noreen gets a boyfriend by the time she graduates from Love U Master's private coaching and
everything is humming along for about a month.
One day, while I’m sitting by the side of my pool and definitely not working, I got
a text and email from Noreen that she's got a relationship emergency.
She just had a big fight with her boyfriend, she's concerned, and she's not sure what she
should do.
And the story was essentially a two-part story.
One part was they were dating for three or four weeks, and he didn't think to introduce
her to his teenage kids yet.
Isn’t this a sign that he is a player, a liar, or isn't all in on this relationship?
The other one was — he was on a Zoom call when someone asked him where he was, he said
he was at a friend's house, instead of saying, “I'm at my girlfriend's house.”
“Isn't this a sign that he's embarrassed about me, that he is not entirely invested
in this relationship, that he's already telling lies about where he is?”
This is her reaction.
And she started a fight with him.
She got angry.
And because she's a Love U Masters client, I know it's concierge level service, so you
can email me whenever you want and I'll get back to you.
I had to write back to her immediately and just talk her off the ledge.
The second she got my email, she relaxed because I told her there's nothing wrong with the
boyfriend and less than a month being hesitant to introduce you to his teenager.
It's perfectly normal for someone not to want to talk about how he's sleeping at his girlfriend's
house in a work meeting.
That's perfectly justifiable.
She's making a big deal over nothing.
So, she has to go back and own it, apologize for her sensitivities.
These are two clients of mine who have no association with each other.
They're not geographically similar or they're not demographically similar.
They're two women who've been burned by men in the past.
If I were one of those boyfriends, I might not stick around.
I've been in a relationship where I've been mistrusted.
I had a girlfriend, dumped me three times for no reason.
It's tiring and it's not pleasant and it takes a toll on your self-esteem.
They're fortunate that their boyfriends are much more patient and devoted than I would
be if I were accused of similar crimes.
I had someone go hyperbolically crazy on me for something that's not even a crime.
Long story short, if you find yourself sympathizing with the women that I'm talking about, and
I can understand if you do.
I really want you to step back and ask yourself if a man treated you this way, how would you
react?
If a man demanded that you would introduce him to your kids right away?
That you were forbidden from receiving a text, replying to a text from an ex-boyfriend, etc.?
Personally, I don't do very well with being told what to do, and I don't think you would
either.
You don't really have the right to tell an honest man what to do.
Your job is to accept him.
Appreciate him.
Give him an environment in which he can thrive and makes him want to be even a better man.
Being lectured when you haven't done anything wrong doesn't make anybody want to be a better
man.
So, with that, my name is Evan Marc Katz.
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Thank you so much.
I'll talk to you soon.