-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.
You're here. You made it.
Thank you very much for being here, hey.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, I can't believe this.
Today is the iPhone's 15th birthday.
Today. [ Cheers ]
Which means right now, Nokia is in a bar somewhere
going, "15 years ago, I was on top of the world."
[ Laughter ]
"You can't throw me out. I'll throw you out."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I can't believe it's been 15 years
since Apple revolutionized the way we raise our kids.
[ Laughter ]
"Just -- Just take that." Yeah, that's right.
The iPhone is so popular, it single-handedly turned Apple
and rice into a trillion-dollar industry.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of Apple, the FCC has asked Apple
and Google to remove TikTok from their app stores
over national-security concerns.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Then Apple and Google saw how much money
they were making off TikTok and told the FCC
to go FCC themselves.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Yeah, they claim China has been stealing
sensitive user data through the app.
Apparently, they got suspicious when Chinese engineers
started slapping each other with tortillas.
[ Laughter ]
Pwff!
Yeah, the FCC was like, "The risk is too great.
Putin might learn how we make pasta in a mug."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, they heard that they can be removed from the app,
TikTok was like --
-♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪ [ Laughter ]
♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-People are still talking about yesterday's bombshell hearing
about former President Trump.
We heard that, at one time, Trump got so angry
that he threw his plate at the wall
and that he got ketchup all over the place.
And apparently, it's inspired a new product.
Watch this.
-Say goodbye to messy cleanups
and hello to the Trump Magic Eraser.
The best way to clean food off your walls,
like a steak with ketchup.
[ Crashing ]
Or spaghetti with ketchup.
[ Crashing ]
Even chili cheese dogs with ketchup.
[ Splats ]
The Trump Magic Eraser wipes it all away.
And best of all, when you're done,
you can flush it down the toilet like a classified document.
-Bye-bye.
-The Trump Magic Eraser.
A-a-a-and he's getting sued by Mr. Clean.
-I just thought that was interesting.
That's an interesting commercial.
[ Applause ]
Well, guys, it's been a tough couple of days
for the Giuliani family.
First, Rudy Giuliani -- I don't know if you heard this --
he claimed that he was assaulted at a grocery store.
But security footage showed that it was
more of a pat on his back. [ Laughter ]
And then, last night, Rudy's son, Andrew Giuliani,
lost the Republican primary for New York governor.
Yeah. His biggest weakness? Name recognition.
[ Laughter ]
It was a tough night for Andrew.
He gave his dad a big hug,
and then Rudy accused him of assault.
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys see this? I read that Nissan
is recalling more than 300,000 Pathfinders
over risk of the hoods flying open while people are driving.
[ Laughter ]
Turns out Nissan was using the term Pathfinder ironically.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of cars, due to high gas prices,
fewer Americans are going on summer road trips.
But just 'cause you're staying at home
doesn't mean you can't feel like you're on a road trip.
So I thought I'd share some of my
home road-trip tips right here.
First, every half-hour,
randomly point somewhere in the room and say, "Cow."
[ Laughter ]
Next, use your own bathroom but flush with your foot.
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, have your kid sit on the couch
and threaten to turn this whole house around.
"We're going -- We're taking --
I'm gonna take the whole house back."
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's just like the real thing.
Hey, guys, listen to this. Whole Foods said that,
as the pandemic eases, they're focused
on holding down prices for their customers.
It's true. Take a look at this commercial they just released.
-We here at Whole Foods are committed to our customers
and will continue selling our products at reasonable prices,
like a bunch of bananas for just $14.99.
[ Laughter ] Apples for just $9.99 a pound.
That's cheaper than a gallon of gas.
And this ripe avocado that costs just 3 easy payments of $99.99,
a $200 down payment, a security deposit,
and your firstborn child, plus shipping and handling.
Whole Foods -- Stay in your lane, Erewhon!
-Oh, interesting, wow. [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Well, some TV news. NBC is coming out with
an eight-part series on dinosaurs,
called "Surviving Earth."
Spoiler alert -- they don't.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, I heard that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
just invited 397 new members to join.
Yeah, it's pretty exciting.
One of the new members said...
-[ Gibberish ]
-While the other 396 were like...
[ Gibberish ]
-Pbht!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Unbelievable.
Well -- Well, this is fun.
I saw that "Back to the Future: The Musical"
is set to debut on Broadway in 2023, yeah.
That's pretty big news, and if you're wondering
what it'd be like, we got our hands on a sneak preview.
Take a look.
♪♪
-♪ Doc ♪
♪ You're my only hope ♪
♪♪
-♪ This is it ♪
♪ This is the answer ♪
♪ It says here ♪
♪ A bolt of lightning is gonna strike the clock tower ♪
♪ Precisely at 10:04 p.m. next Saturday night ♪
♪ Hm-hm, ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha, hm-hm hm-hm ♪
♪ Next Saturday night ♪
♪ We're sending you back to the future ♪
-Whoa! [ Cheers and applause ]
Bravo!
Bravo! [ Applause continues ]
And, finally, Air New Zealand has announced
that they are adding the world's first lie-flat pods
to economy class.
Here they are. This is real.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Now the guy who hogs the armrest will be spooning you.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Wow.