You’ve finally done it.
Your greatest desire, your life-long dream, has finally come to fruition: You’ve gotten
yourself a job at Paws, Inc., the company that owns the iconic Garfield comics.
That’s right – it’s your job to make sure that America’s favorite lazy, orange
cat still reaches his adoring fans every single day.
But before you get too excited, being this close to the process behind Garfield’s creation
puts you squarely in the sights of SCP – 3166.
Because here’s the thing - While Garfield has always been an iconic piece of American
pop culture since Jim Davis created him in 1976, his popularity and profitability really
aren’t what they used to be, and that’s exactly when you, as a Garfield-loving intern,
are in the most danger.
That’s because SCP – 3166 is a nightmarish pataphysical entity that manifests and stalks
people involved in Garfield media empire whenever the franchise isn’t doing so well in the
public eye.
And that’s why you’re in terrible danger, because when SCP – 3166 gets its hands on
you, you’re in for a pretty terrible death.
But never fear! Garfield may hate Mondays, but that doesn’t mean he’s gonna be able
to ruin yours.
We’re here to give you the tips, tricks, and tactics to battle the Lasagna Cat to the
death and still come out swinging.
Or at least stay alive long enough for agents from the SCP Foundation to swoop in and save
you.
Welcome to You Vs SCP – 3166.
You know the drill around here, folks: You can’t fight what you can’t understand.
While this huge, orange monster may be reminiscent of your favourite lethargic feline, if you
underestimate it, you’re liable to be found pounded to a pulp, or choking on a mouth full
of cold pasta.
At face value, the creature seems to be an extremely low-effort, seven foot tall Garfield
cosplayer, with a ragged, orange suit that’s made from actual cat fur.
However, this isn’t so much a suit as it is the creature’s actual skin.
And on the inside, it’s lasagna all the way down.
The creature has no bone structure, making it basically immune to most forms of blunt-force
trauma.
Like many of the anomalous creatures dealt with by the Foundation, SCP – 3166 shouldn’t
logically be able to do anything that it does.
You’re dealing with a being here that does not follow the basic laws of biology.
And to make matters even more disgusting, it’s been found that the meat within SCP
– 3166’s lasagna is genetically identical to the flesh of Garfield creator Jim Davis.
So, in a sense, this horrific, orange abomination is a child of Mr. Davis, much like the original
Garfield was his brainchild.
Why is all of this relevant to a combat situation involving SCP – 3166?
Allow us to school you in a little Combat 101: A real fight is never a purely logical
affair, and oftentimes, in the heat of the moment, good situational awareness and psychological
preparation will win out over a solid battle plan.
When you see this towering, Garfield-esque nightmare shambling towards you in the dark,
your first reaction is going to be fear.
You’ve never seen anything like this – you might even freeze while you’re trying to
process it all and lose valuable seconds that could be spent running away.
And that right there is SCP – 3166’s first advantage against you: Its frightening and
disgusting appearance is likely to instil a sense of psychological terror, which is
something you can’t use back against a mindless monster.
Being aware of what you’re dealing with in a situation like this can make all the
difference between life and death.
However, elements of this can also work in your favour.
Another rule of combat is that every advantage comes with its own disadvantage, and vice
versa.
Do you know what you get when you fuse rotting pasta with real, damp cat fur?
One real nasty stink.
While you could make the argument that going on the stank offensive would improve its fighting
chances by distracting you, it also serves as an advanced warning system for when SCP
– 3166 is approaching.
When you suddenly get a whiff of the most noxious wet cat and meat stench you’ve smelled
in your life, you know it’s time to enter fight or flight mode.
But you might not always be that lucky.
One of the most dangerous aspects of SCP – 3166 is its ability to manifest near its targets
from thin air, and then demanifest when its deadly work is done.
That means that it can appear right behind you at any time, ready to strike, so you’ll
need to maintain constant vigilance if you want to survive a potential encounter and
prevent it from getting its big, meaty paws on you.
You’re probably wondering – what would a close encounter with SCP – 3166 actually
look like?
Compared to some of the more complex and metaphysical attacks of its fellow SCPs, there’s a kind
of brutal but effective simplicity to SCP – 3166’s attacks.
Its main form of offense is grabbing a nearby heavy object and bludgeoning you to death
with it, all while making meowing, purring and screeching noises like an extremely agitated
cat.
Obviously, nobody wants to have their head bashed in with a commemorative Garfield snow
globe, but the most upsetting way this creature dispatches its victims is by disembowelling
itself, and forcing fistfuls of lasagne down your helpless throat until you choke to death
or die from overfeeding.
This would be a disgusting way to go even with normal lasagna, but with Jim Davis flesh
lasagne, it’s a special kind of torture that would make almost any other form of death
seem preferable.
But don’t let this frighten you, because remember, being frightened is the first step
to losing your edge.
Just take the threat of being beaten or force-fed to death as motivation to never lose the upper-hand.
Now that you understand what you’re up against, let’s talk strategies for survival and maybe
even defeating this lasagna-filled menace.
The first option is the simplest - Running.
Booking it the second you see a grim mess of orange fur lumbering towards you may seem
like the coward’s way out, but it’s better to be cowardly than dead.
While the creature definitely has a clear size advantage on you, this comes with the
drawback of lowering its speed.
If you manage to spot or smell it approaching, and you’ve been keeping up with your cardio
at the gym, you can turn tail and run for it.
If you manage to survive for long enough on evasive tactics alone, then maybe some SCP
Foundation field agents will mobilize in that time and take care of the threat for you.
You’ll probably even get some sweet amnestics out of the deal, so the lingering trauma of
your SCP – 3166 incident won’t hang over you until your dying days.
However, running isn’t always a luxury you can afford.
What if SCP – 3166 manifested in your home in the middle of the night, leaving you with
nowhere to run?
At that point, taking the fight to him is the only option, unless you want to die a
horrific and carby death.
But how do you fight a giant, homicidal Garfield-creature?
We know that you can’t use blunt force trauma, because the lasagna cat has no bones to break.
But what about bladed weapons?
Could you take down this creature with knives and swords?
The idea of going all Kill Bill on SCP-3166 is definitely appealing, but aside from the
potential value of removing limbs to slow the creature down, this method may not be
as helpful as one would hope.
We know the creature is able to disembowel itself in order to pull out its Jim Davis
lasagne innards and force-feed people, so it stands to reason that you jumping the gun
and doing the disembowelling yourself may not be an effective method of putting this
thing down.
If blades and heavy blunt objects are ineffective weapons, how about we try something a little
more modern?
That’s right, we’re talking firearms.
A few important notes: SCP – 3166 has no blood, and therefore, the intention should
not be to fatally wound it and let it bleed out.
Such a thing isn’t possible.
What you need is a gun that can do massive structural damage and maybe incapacitate or
at least slow down the creature.
Because of this, small-calibre pistols and rifles are out.
Personally, we’d recommend shouldering a powerful shotgun in your battle against SCP
– 3166, the kind that could comfortably splatter a leg into a saucy paste and slow
the monster’s otherwise relentless pursuit.
Also, while there’s no way we can guarantee that this would really make a difference,
there’s rarely any harm in going for the classic head-shot.
Even if it isn’t the most effective attack in the world, splattering this thing’s head
all over the walls would at least be a pretty satisfying gesture.
If you can pump enough rounds into 3166 to at least slow it to a crawl, you can run away
at a more leisurely pace rather than a terrified sprint.
However, guns aren’t always readily available or easy to access.
What if you need an alternative method for bringing this monster?
To quote an old internet proverb - Kill it with fire.
It’s a weapon that both cats and lasagna are vulnerable to.
Provided of course you’re not inside your own home or surrounded by flammable objects,
it’s likely that dousing this beast in gasoline and tossing a match would reduce it to cinders.
And considering all the lasagna you’d be burning in the process, it might even smell
a little nice.
Just try to forget that it’s technically burning human flesh you’re smelling there.
But what if you’re really unlucky, and this thing just walks out of the fire dripping
with pasta and minced beef but very much alive, like a kind of Italian Terminator?
Thankfully, when all other methods of keeping SCP – 3166 at bay fail, there is one fail-safe
maneuver for distracting this SCP that has been tried and tested by Foundation personnel.
As with many things in life, sometimes you need to look within to find the answers – except
this time, you’re not looking within yourself.
You’re looking within the enemy.
Much like the gluttonous orange cat from which it takes its form, SCP – 3166 has one weakness:
Lasagna.
Since the majority of its biomass consists of the cheesy pasta staple, any time other
sources of lasagna are placed nearby, the creature cannot help but seek it out to integrate
it into its own body.
Therefore, strategically placed distraction lasagnas are the only dependable method of
keeping the beast off your tail for long enough to ensure a speedy escape.
And from what we’ve been able to tell, the type of lasagna doesn’t matter.
So stock up on a few dozen ninety-nine cent microwavable lasagnas and you might just survive
long enough for an SCP Foundation Mobile Task Force to swoop in and take this entire problem
off of your hands.
Once the SCP Foundation is there, the anomaly will be apprehended and dispatched, and you’ll
be given a comforting dose of amnestics to help you forget that this whole nasty event
even occurred.
You’ll be able to pick up where you left off, in your fabulous new job at Paws, Inc.,
making sure America gets its daily Garfield fix no matter what.
Except now, when you see the grinning orange feline, you can’t help but feel a twitch
in your eye – even though you have no idea why.
But I wouldn’t worry about it.
After all, what you don’t know can’t hurt you…
Check out our “You Vs” playlist for more battles with some of the strangest creatures
in pop culture, and subscribe to our new channel, “SCP EXPLAINED – Story & Animation”,
for more fun facts from the Foundation, Infographics-Style.