Do you sometimes just feel awkward, socially? Our relationships are so
important. Let's talk about how to fit in socially. Before I launch into this
really. Do you want to fit in? I'm bringing that up because maybe it would
be more important for you to stand out than to fit in. Let's just think about
that for a moment. We constantly want to be accepted and fit in and... You have some
unique gifts and talents and abilities. And it may be very, very crucial for you
to find ways to stand out, instead. We'll talk about that a little more in some
other videos. But it's appropriate to start with that idea.
Now, can you fit in better? Can you feel that you're more part of things?
Absolutely. And from a social standpoint, it all comes back to our focus. What's my
focus? So, looking at the model, notice that my focus might be on how I feel or
how you feel. So, as I set up those 2 columns, just notice that that's where
your focus is going to be. This is getting back to a concept I call
Metacognition. Metacognition is a fancy psychobabble word. All it means, if we
break it down, cognition means thinking. Let's put that right here at this level.
Metacognition is a higher level. It's thinking about thinking. Notice that you
can do this. This is powerful because metacognition
actually creates a little space and in that space is where choice exists. Until
you see this as a choice, it's not. So, keep that metacognition turned on as you
think about where your own focus is. Now, I've used first-person wording here, so
that you can own it. So, anytime you see the word "I", own it, okay? How I feel or how
you feel? That's where my focus is going to be. Now, forget about the feelings for
just moment. Let's go to the level of content.
In other words, what is the focus about? This gets interesting.
My focus might be all about me or it could be about you. I've picked these
particular colors because when we overlay these two dimensions, we get a
nice quadrant system that's color coded. Check this out.
Now, looking at those 4 quadrants, my focus is going to be in one of those
boxes, typically. Now, it can change and it can move around but it's going to be in
one of these 4 boxes. The red, the orange, the purple or the green. Thinking
about your thinking now. Use the metacognition and let's take a look at
each one of these quadrants. Starting with red, this is where my focus
is all about me. How I feel about me. Am I good enough? Am I ready for this? Am I
prepared? Do I have what it takes? Am I cute enough? Am I smart enough? Do I
have this? This is red. Now, red runs us into a particular pitfall in social
interactions. I'm labeling it self-consciousness. Self-consciousness.
I'm not talking about a healthy sense of self-awareness or mindfulness. No! What
I'm talking about is that anxious, "Oh, am I good enough?" kind of a feel. That's
where the focus is in red. Consider for just a minute. How that's going to impact
other people? And the quickest way to figure that out is to think about how
you feel when you're around somebody who's in that red quadrant.
They are totally, it absorbed and consumed with themselves. How does that
feel to you when you interact with them? Switch it up. How does it feel
when you're in red? Yeah, do you feel that? It's that anxious self-consciousness. "Am
I good enough?" And it can consume us. Just notice it. Okay. Now, move to orange for a
moment with me. In the orange quadrant, my focus is on how you feel about me. Do you
like me? Do you think I'm good enough? Do you think I'm smart enough? Do you think
I'm cute enough? Orange, right? Welcome back to junior high everybody. Where
everything is focused on "Ohh, do they like me? Do I fit in?"
Remember we talked about that at the beginning. Do we really want to fit in?
Well, yeah. We kind of do. But that's an orange focus and it gets us all wrapped
up in, "Oh, am I good enough for them?" "Do they like me?"
it's an externalized source of validation. The pitfall that we run into
an orange is insecurities. Insecurities just wondering all the time. If people
are going to like us or approve of us. That's orange. Now, whether it's red or
orange, we run into the same problem. I'm labeling that anxiety. Do you see this?
Whenever we focus on ourselves, we generate and perpetuate anxiety. And it's
either that self-conscious, you know, red kind of a focus or it's the insecurity
of the orange. Either way, it's all about anxiety and it's paralyzing. This gets in
our way socially more than anything else I can think of. Now, let's take a look at
purple. Now my focus is on "How I feel about you." Did you feel that when I
introduced it? This is kind of a scary place to be. Because it invokes criticism.
Even if it's positive, check it out. "Oh, I approve of you." Oh, how come
descending is that? It's like I pat you on the head. What gives me
the authority to approve of you. Incidentally, purple is where a lot of
parents get hung up. This is so natural for parents because as parents, we get
focused on how we feel about them. About our kids, about their decisions, about
their lifestyle, about their choices. Do you see how purple that is? And even if
we're right, forget about that for just a minute. Don't worry about being right.
Because probably you are. But even if we're right, having that purple focus,
puts us in a position where we tend to be more critical of others. Or at least
it's going to impact them. That's criticism even if we don't intend it
that way. When my focus is on how I feel about you, I'm at risk.
Okay. So, just notice it. No. Quick disclaimer. I keep saying just notice it.
It's not my job to tell you to think any differently. I don't have that kind of
authority. What I want you to do is see it. We're turning on the metacognition. So
that you can think about you're thinking. That metacognition creates a little
space and that space is where choice exists. And until we see it as a choice,
it's not. Hopefully, you find this empowering. Now we've still got one
quadrant to look at. Whether it's red or purple we run into the same problem. It's
called judgment. It's either that anxious self judgment of the red quadrant or
it's our opinions about other people that are getting in the way. Either way,
it's a judgment issue. Then we've still got one quadrant that we can look at. And
thankfully, we do. Because this one gets really exciting. Let's go green. When I go
green, my focus is no longer about me. And how I feel is only secondary. Now, I'm
focused on how you feel about yourself. Do you feel that? Notice that the people
in your life who have influenced you the most,
have been ingrained. They have been focused on how you feel about yourself?
How does it feel if you can get to that place? Wow, the pressure is off. it's not
about me. How I feel is only secondary. The pressure is off and I can focus on you
and how do you feel. This is what I'm titling "the Influence quadrant."
Influence quadrant. Now, when we look at all 4 together, we get this nice
color-coordinated model where we can get out of the anxieties of the red and the
judgment and just focus on that green. Now, how do you fit in better socially?
You go green. You get out of your own way and notice that your focus has a whole
lot to do with this. If you're showing up in purple, people are just going to feel
judged. If you're showing up in red, people are going tokind of "Oooh, you're
high-maintenance." They don't want to take you on because you're so focused on how
you feel about yourself. When you're in orange, it's like a neediness, it's like
you constantly are trying to get people's approval and that will repel
people as well. To really fit in socially you got to go green. Here's the thing,
When you go green, you will have influence. But if you're doing it for
that purpose, it's not green, it's purple. Because now your focus is on how you
feel about them and their choices and their lifestyle or whatever. You need to
influence them. You got to give up your need to influence them. Focus on how they
feel about themselves and then you will have the influence. But you'll turn it
purple if you're doing it for that reason. Similarly, if you go green, people
will love you. Oh they will, they will gravitate towards you. They will
appreciate you. They'll want to be around you. But if you do it for that purpose,
it's not green, it's orange. Because now your focus is suddenly back on
how other people feel about you. It's important to be loved. Even though that's
true, you guys. It is important to be loved. If you do it for that reason,
you're spoiling it. This requires a genuine application of this principle. To
go green. You will have influence. People will love you. You will fit in, socially.
And you will stand out as an influential leader. And that's probably even more
important than fitting in. This is the social key. This model is so powerful. I
bet you know someone who could really benefit from hearing this message. Share
it with them.