'Go for Hyperspace!'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘You were expected hours ago’
We are, finally, looking at Starcrash, the crown Prince of Star Wars Rip-offs.
‘I’d say red hot potatoes for small time smugglers on the run like us’
Although it must be said director Luigi Cozzi said he never even saw Star Wars, he just read a novelisation.
Here’s the opening shot.
I don’t want to call you a liar Luigi.
Space smugglers Acton and Stella Starr, played by Caroline Munro, are being chased.
‘Aha, looks like the cops’
It is.
‘I am police robot L’
You know how George Lucas originally wanted C3PO to sound like a used car salesman from the Bronx?
‘Everytime I go into hyperspace I get nervous’
Eventually they are captured and Stella is sentenced to hard labour.
Why is my prison uniform different to everyone else’s.
‘The radiation will burn my skin off’
She immediately makes friends among the other inmates.
‘I’ve been at this for 12 hours’ Really?
I’ve been here ten years.
'Planning an escape, this is what you are going to get lady.'
With their help she effects a prison break.
There are no other survivors. But then…
‘We’ve been sent to free you – your sentence has been cancelled’
Well thank God a prison full of people didn’t die as a consequence.
‘I bet you never expected to see me here’
The same people who put them in jail recruit Stella and Acton on a mission for the emperor, against…
‘Zarthan from the league of Dark worlds’
Who is also available for panto.
#Evil Laugh#
What’s his plan?
‘That the count has created a weapon, a weapon so vast it will take a whole planet to conceal it’
Colour me astonished.
This opening serves no purpose – they are put in jail, just to get out again.
And this is the recurring problem of Starcrash; they’re on a mission to be on a mission,
in which cool things happen.
‘Look! Amazons on horseback’
Girlfight!
'Stop there's no escape.'
What else?
'Comeon Stella, run.'
You’ve riped-off George Lucas why not Ray Harryhausen.
You’ll never top that.
'This is an energy shield mask.'
Despite the presence of the Hoff,
the dangers they face don’t feel like someone trying to stop them, they feel like something for them to face.
‘We just survived an attack of the most powerful weapon in the entire galaxy’
That’s halfway through the film. Where do you go from there?
‘No one can survive these deadly rays’
And we’re not done lowering the stakes yet.
‘So you see into the future?’
You couldn’t have mentioned it earlier?
‘You would have tried to change the future – which is against the law’
Said the career smuggler who I think has broken the law.
‘The great machines of the central operating system hereby sentence you, Acton of 9th Vega to 220 years’
Acton is an attempt at an Obi Wan character, which becomes more apparent in his death.
‘I’m no longer useful at this time’
What possible use could my 100% accurate clairvoyance be?
At this point they’re on a planet that’s about to blow up, worse still, the emperor is with them.
How can they save him?
‘48 seconds left to the explosion, we've ot to get out of here’
Maybe we should be running. But actually there’s no need to worry.
‘Imperial Battleship! Halt the flow of time’
And I thought seeing the future lowered the stakes.
But Zartharn isn’t beaten yet.
‘By sunset, I’ll be the new emperor!”
Is sunset a useful term in space?
‘And I will be the master of the whole universe.’
And then I’m playing Jafar at the Brighton and Hove Adelphi.
‘And destroy the emperor’s planet.'
Sort of knew that was coming.
‘We’re finished’
Gee, if only you could stop time.
Got any other deus ex machina up your sleeve?
‘Starcrash’
‘4th dimensional attack?’
I just don’t feel like that’s enough.
‘The floating city’
Every problem the heroes face in Starcrash is solved by dropping a previously unheard term that just fixes things.
So them winning is not a massive surprise.
High five.
You can’t do anything.
‘You can bet on that’
Now, what a quest is for, doesn’t always matter,
the best quests in cinema tend to be macguffins for character development,
but those quests are still well-defined so the movie has some stakes. ‘
The monsters never existed’
Plus, this film has never even heard of character development.
‘What in the universe is that?’
Everyone wants to see a movie with Caroline Munro and the Hoff.
'Stella'
'Simon'
'Stella'
But it’s just a bunch of stuff.
‘An hour goes by quickly’
Yeah, not always.
'Thanks for watching, Check out our Road to the Phantom Menace video here.'
'What's your favorite hero saving plot device that comes out of nowhere?'
'Let us know in the comments below.'
'Close the door, don't you follow us now.'