When you date, there's one thing that
you know as single parents we have to bear in mind
it's best not to bring him home yet.
Welcome to the Confession Room, could you share what you are struggling with?
What am I struggling with.
As of now, I'm
struggling with
like my life.
Marriage life?
I don't even know how to put it.
Everything is very new to me.
So like the fact that I got married at a very young age
at 25.
And I got pregnant at 25 as well.
The person that I got married to
isn't the person that I
truly love I guess.
And he is also the father of the child.
I guess I had to be married at that point of time.
I had no choice.
For the sake of my child, I had to do it.
But things went downhill after
1 year of marriage.
The fact that I have an almost 2 year old son now
and I am going towards the divorce path.
I have to wait for 3 years because of the law.
And...
Yeah so
I have about 1 and a half years to go till the divorce happens.
I mean till the divorce can take place.
And so I'm currently en route to being a single mum.
So I guess that's my struggle for now because
I would never expect myself to
be a single mum I guess.
My worry is that will Jayden be able to accept the fact that he has-
he is from a single parent family.
Wait ah.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Umm
It definitely does sound and look
like a daunting task going forward.
Can I gather that both of you are still staying under the same roof?
Yeah actually we still are.
We are not on bad terms.
We're, we came to a mutual agreement.
Basically you are leading separate lives
- (Jasmine) But under the same roof? - (Gwen) Yeah correct.
Yeah.
(Jasmine) Okay.
Is he putting in his responsibilities as a father?
To Jayden?
I guess to a certain extent yes.
Since the beginning when I was,
when I found out I was pregnant.
He...
We wanted to abort.
But I was leaning more towards not aborting the child
because I didn't want to like
it's just not.
It wasn't an easy decision.
And I would say he was still very young.
He was only 20.
(Jasmine) Right.
And now he's like 22.
- (Jasmine) Right - (Gwen) So
I'm pretty sure it's not easy for him also because
at the age of 20, who would have thought that
you know, they would be a dad.
Right.
And I'm.
On the other hand I was already 25.
And now 27 so.
(Gwen) I guess it was just bad timing back then.
(Gwen) And then as of now it's just
more like
I can tell (that) he loves the child.
(Jasmine) Right.
But we both agreed that he spends lesser time with the child.
Which is often the reason we always quarrel as well.
(Jasmine) Right.
Okay but one thing I can say is this
goin down as a single parent.
We always have to put our child-
Whatever decision we make
has to be in the child's best interest.
And also as a young child of 2 years old, going 3.
they need to have stability in their lives.
So when I say stability, I don't mean
really mean that 2 of you shouldn't get a divorce, it's not like that.
One example could be this okay.
You say that
Okay he stays with me on
Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday.
And then he stays with the father
on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays.
Now that is instability.
(Jasmine) Because it's too much shuttling here and there.
Okay that's point number 1.
So you need to give him a very conducive
family environment for him to stay.
For example he gets up for school,
he probably attends a preschool.
And then he has a regular person that picks him back.
And then he gets back home
he has his dinner, wash up, play a little.
And then, bed time stories and he goes to bed.
(Jasmine) That is when he is in his preschool years.
And of course, that comes to your second
another worry of yours
which is you fear about
how you are going to tell him.
How are you going to tell Jayden.
You also fear that
"Would I be able to"
"Will he hate me?"
(Jasmine) Stuff like that.
As to when to tell Jayden,
you can choose a time
Now he is about 2 or 3
he may not really have a good understanding yet.
Yeah.
But when he goes to preschool
whereby he has classmates and then they have
parents coming to pick them together.
Stuff like that.
You could explain to him at that point.
He will definitely talk about you know
"Where is daddy?", that kind of question.
Yeah.
(Jasmine) And that's when you can explain to him that
The message should always be this.
That both of you actually love him really dearly.
It's just that sometimes, adults can't live together.
Yeah.
And it just needs to be that simple, at this juncture.
I wanted to ask how many kids (you have) and how old are they now?
They- I have 4.
- (Jasmine) I have 4 girls. - (Gwen) 4?
Yeah I have 4 girls.
They range from 24 to 28.
Wow.
So when I first became a single mum
my 2 kids were about
2 and 3.
Just like Jayden.
Wow.
It's like me right now.
(Jasmine) That's right, just like you.
I juggle quite a lot emotionally.
With my kids, I tend to be really hot tempered at that point in time.
So as a mum.
I kind of really learn along the way.
Like you said, you chose a freelance job which is good
to spend time with Jayden.
Yes but bear in mind that the kid needs quality time
So undivided attention, quality time over quantity.
And then that gets me to the next step right
So you'll definitely
You're very young and you will be meeting
new friends and maybe you'll start dating again.
And all that.
So
when you date
there's one thing that you know
as single parents we have to bear in mind
(Jasmine) it's best not to bring him home yet.
Yeah.
The reason is because
The child is grappling with
you know having a weekend father.
And then he's alone with you.
And he goes to preschool.
And it wouldn't help if he sees different uncles every weekend.
Or every month you know.
So it's best to keep our dating life out of his home.
So when do you actually introduce your son to the
your new boyfriend right.
It's when you are discussing marriage plans.
Actually I'm a bit curious
because like you were saying that you had a
2 year old and 3 year old kid right.
(Gwen) When you were a single mum.
And now you have 4 (children)?
Yeah.
How like.
What was the whole process like and what happened?
So the marriage didn't last.
This is the first?
The second one.
(Gwen) Okay.
Remember? That I had
I was a single mum when my kids were 2 and 3 years old.
And then I met a man.
I was looking for
And he qualified for everything you know.
To be a father figure.
Put a roof over our head, I don't have to slog so hard.
You know that kind of thing?
Yeah.
So instead of-
So we had our third-
So I had my third and fourth (kid).
(Gwen) Okay.
They are a pair of twins actually.
So that's why it's 3 births.
Oh okay.
Yeah and shortly the marriage didn't last because
it was not on a good foundation.
Soon when your kids grow up
you don't really need that
father figure right.
(Gwen) Right yeah.
Yeah so
That's why I'm still single until now.
Yeah.
That's what is happening to me right now.
- (Gwen) This is - (Jasmine) Yes.
Yeah so like the whole
my whole marriage.
Okay I don't know
I don't know whether I should say this but
It was only-
I met my current husband for only like
3 months or 4.
And then that's how we got
And then we had
Then that's how I got pregnant.
And that's why I-
When I look back right, I know that
from the beginning we didn't have that
that base, that foundation.
It wasn't even strong even to hold our relationship.
Yeah so I can-
When you said that, I was like that's me right now.
Yeah.
I think I-
I'm just more worried that like.
Sometimes I just can't help but to have this
selfish thought that Jayden is
(He) should be with me.
Jayden is mine.
(Gwen) You know like I get very protective and stuff.
Maybe it's a first child thing I don't know.
But that's how I feel.
Sometimes I do-
It's very bad of me but sometimes I do have thoughts like
what if Jayden wants to be with his dad you know.
I don't know.
I don't know whether this kind of thoughts occur to you before.
Yeah it does for me.
Right.
Yeah.
Well.
That would not be in the child's best interest.
Because the child needs to know his father.
Really they do.
And it's also good for his father to spend some time with him.
(Gwen) Yeah of course.
A good father actually does show them the world.
How the world revolves around.
So if we
So if we deny them of that right
then it really wouldn't be in his best interest.
This much I can tell you.
And you don't have to worry that Jayden will go to his father.
You don't have to.
And you should not deny him of meeting his father
and that side of his family.
(Gwen) Yeah of course.
And it's actually a very healthy
it meets Jayden's social needs.
That's what I'm trying to say.
I can understand what you are feeling.
Because a lot of single mums, we feel that way.
And you know that one day that he goes with his family,
it's your day off.
Right.
Okay thank you for sharing your story with me.
So long as whatever decision we make is in the best interest of the child,
just take that leap of faith.
And just do it.
So when you find that when you do it
for some time and it's not working out well.
Then reflect on it.
See how you can do better and try again.
Yes.
Especially as the child is growing up
they would need a lot of support from parents.
And you know being a single mum,
you really need to be their father
and you also need to be their mother.
So be mindful of that.
And have...
How should I say, intentional parenting.
I think it's nice to have a chat with you because
honestly I came here without knowing that
I'm going to be chatting with a single mum as well.
And it means a lot because
like what I said a lot of my friends are very young.
No is like.
Honestly no one I personally know of is a single mum.
Yeah so.
I do feel like lonely sometimes.
You're alone in this.
But I'm just very thankful that I did (come) also.
Talking to you here and also
me myself, I actually went to reach out to fellow single mums.
And I didn't feel so alone afterwards.
So yeah.
It helps and it really means a lot to me.
Yes.
Just know that there are other single mums
There are struggles but we will overcome it.
Yeah.
The light is always at the end of the tunnel.
Yeah.
So, chin up.
Eating disorder isn't really talked about a lot.
- Locally. - I would agree.
Then they say please post more content
on your fitness and what you eat in a day
and how you work out.
So that we can follow this and hopefully feel better.