When I look back at my youth, one of the biggest challenges I faced was social anxiety.
This problem dominated every aspect of my life, and if you are someone who’s dealing
with this on some level you know just how bad it can be.
Social Anxiety can prevent you from making friends, developing romantic relationships,
ruin your career and lead to depression and lower the overall quality of your life as
a whole.
After years of struggling I was finally able to manage and even undo a lot of the conditioning
that led me to be anxious in social situations.
Overcoming social anxiety is one of the biggest factors I attribute to my long term happiness
and in this video I’m going to share with you some of the steps I used to overcome it.
I know it may seem like this impossible task but I promise you that by using the steps
I’m going to lay out for you, you will be well on your way to feeling more confident
in yourself and around others.
For many people, their social anxiety can be linked back to one or two moments in their
childhood that shifted their personality, so Step number one to managing your social
anxiety is to look back at the cause of your anxiety if you can.
I specifically remember being this nice, happy kid until around 6th or 7th grade.
Before this, I wasn’t shy at all and had tons of friends, but for some reason around
that time kids started to become mean.
I would get bullied at school and picked on.
After a few years of that my general demeanor changed.
I was still a nice kid deep down, but I really had to warm up to people before that came
out.
When I would meet new people I was quiet and reserved.
I would put up a wall.
It was me realizing this that really started me on my journey to overcoming this problem.
I remember when I got a little older I would always just assume new people didn’t like
me.
Kids are not adults and they do really irrational things.
By looking back at how I felt when I was a kid I was able to connect the dots which allowed
me to continue to step two: Realize that people are too wrapped up in their own minds to dislike
you.
It actually takes a lot for someone to dislike you.
99% of people when they first meet you are not thinking about you that much.
They are probably thinking about trying not to look stupid in front of you and everyone
else, or they are thinking about the other 1000 things they have going on in their life.
In general, unless you are rude to them, people will not dislike you or think you are stupid
upon first meeting.
If people do act poorly when first meeting you, usually that’s not because of you,
but because of how they feel about their own life.
By adulthood normal people will have overcome most of their basic insecurities that would
lead them to bully others but you do get the odd person on occasion who still does this.
Just know that if someone is like this, again, it’s not you that’s the problem it’s
them.
Once you’ve internalized step number two, step number three is where the real work comes
in, and that is: Improve or come to terms with the aspects of yourself that you are
insecure about.
Obviously not everything can be improved.
I used to be super insecure about my height.
I’m average height for men in the US, but I was a bit of a late bloomer in high school
and a lot of my adult friends are six-two or taller.
Because of this, every time I would be in social situations, height is all I would see.
I was convinced that my height was a problem for other people.
Which, after I realized step two, it occurred to me that, again, people really don’t care.
Now there are some women that had an issue with it, but once I was able to overcome the
shyness, I found that height became even less of an issue.
Part of me believes that sometimes people point to external factors on why they aren’t
into you because they feel bad about admitting that they don’t like who you are as a person.
That’s a topic for another video but it’s worth pondering at a later point.
I really don’t think about my height much these days, it’s something I cannot control,
but what I can control is my appearance, and that was one of the big things I improved
to help with my social anxiety.
You have control over the way you dress and your physique.
You have control over what you put in your body and how often you exercise.
If your anxiety comes from an insecurity about weight or being unattractive I highly suggest
you watch this video I made on how to improve your looks, after this one of course.
I did a lot of work on myself to improve my look and it really helped with my confidence
in social situations.
You can’t make excuses in this department.
You don’t have to have lots of money, plastic surgery, or a personal trainer to improve
your overall look.
Again, go watch the video in the description or at the end card, it will help you a lot
with this.
Once you’ve improved upon the insecurities you have control over, the ones you don’t
will become a lot less severe.
I’m going to be doing a whole video on overcoming insecurities you can’t control in the future
though so make sure you subscribe and hit the notification bell if that is something
you might be interested in hearing about.
Ok so step number four is crucial and is an absolute must in order for you to internalize
the stuff we’ve talked about already and that’s this: You Have to Start exposing
yourself to social situations more often.
The fear of social situations is always 100% more scary than the actual situation itself.
Even now, when meeting new people sometimes my heart races a bit and I feel a little nervous,
especially if this is someone that I really want to impress.
Once I’ve broken the ice and am fully engaged It’s always so much less scary than my brain
wants me to think it will be.
Knowing this is how things go has allowed me to push past even the most scary of situations.
By not backing down or saying no to social gatherings, I’ve had enough social experiences
to be able to calm myself down when I do begin to feel nervous or anxious.
When we tell ourselves something, usually we trust whatever it is we are saying if we
have experience to back it up.
I have the experience of meeting tons of new people and not once has it gone as bad as
the anxiety would leave me to believe.
99% of the time it ends up going really well.
But even the most awkward moments aren’t really THAT bad.
You have to practice being in these situations in order to develop the tools to cope with
the feelings that you have before-hand.
I know for some the thought of even going that far might seem too scary.
You just can’t face your fear to even start.
And for those of you that have that problem step five will help you a lot.
Script and practice social interactions before-hand.
Now I want to add a disclaimer to this.
This is not meant to be something you do forever, more a means to help you bridge the gap between
complete debilitation and some form of functionality.
For me I still have a lot of anxiety when talking on the phone with new clients or potential
employers, especially if I am reaching out to them cold.
Oftentimes when I do this I will write down what I want to say beforehand and read it
outloud to myself.
I’ve had moments where the anxiety prevents me from calling completely and that has really
hindered my professional life at times.
Writing a little script for myself at least for the first opening line or two helps a
lot.
It can be really embarrassing to do that I know but sometimes you have to do what you
have to do.
It doesn’t have to just be for phone calls though.
If you are worried about small talk or asking out someone you like, it can help to have
a go-to conversation starter already worked out in advance.
Most people kind of already do this to begin with, they probably just don’t write it
down.
Here in LA most of the conversations I have with people I'm not super close with start
with something about how nice a day it is or we just complain if it’s just slightly
cloudy.
I actually really hate small talk, and it definitely seems pointless, but it always
seems to break the ice so I guess it works!
If you are meeting someone for work related things, do a little research about them or
the company they are with.
Prepare some questions.
It’s always easier to ask people questions and let them talk.
People will enjoy conversations with you much more when you don’t try to impress them.
Just ask them about themselves and relate to the topics you both find interesting.
Ok so Step Six: Never Fly Solo at the beginning.
For a lot of people, parties are a big thing they avoid when they have social anxiety.
Like I said in step 4 you have to expose yourself to these situations, but you don’t have
to go alone.
Most people wouldn’t go to parties alone anyways, but for you specifically I suggest
to let your friends know how you are.
They probably already do, but just confide in them.
Tell them that you have a little bit of anxiety but you are excited to go with them to the
party.
Let them know it would really help you out if they introduce you to anyone they know
or already talking to.
Somehow I always end up at events where everyone knows everyone, and I know no one.
It’s honestly a social anxiety nightmare!
Luckily I’ve always had friends to help introduce me to people and to make sure to
go out of their way to include me in things.
You might think you are being annoying or a bad friend needing your hand held but good
friends WILL help you out.
These days I don’t need that so much.
Oftentimes I will just introduce myself, but I definitely needed it when my anxiety was
at its worst.
I needed help from my friends and they gladly helped me out.
A good friend won’t judge you, just ask for help beforehand.
Some people are naturally very comfortable socially, you can learn a thing or two from
them.
Now before I get to step seven I want to put a disclaimer here.
I really debated internally about whether or not I should put this in, but it really
helped me out a lot in the beginning and my results were a net positive so I want to include
it.
So I’ll add like a bunch of asterisks here but step 7 is this: Responsibly use LEGAL
drugs and alcohol to help you overcome your anxiety.
There is a direct correlation between when I started drinking at 21 which is true, and
when my anxiety started to get better.
In the beginning I was terrified at parties, and I found that after a drink or two I would
become a lot more sociable and have a lot more fun.
I’ve never been someone that gets blackout drunk.
I’ve never even blacked out before.
I’m not advocating for unhealthy drinking habits nor am I advocating for developing
a dependency on alcohol to be able to be social.
But I definitely feel more comfortable when sober because of the experiences I gained
when under the influence.
This is a personal choice for everyone, but I think if a responsible amount of legal drugs
or alcohol helps you feel better in these situations then you should absolutely go for
it.
I’m a big proponent of moderation in all aspects of life.
We only get one life on this earth, you might as well enjoy it.
Just be aware of your actions and frequently audit your life.
If something becomes a problem you should make changes.
You know yourself better than anyone else.
If drinking is making your life worse then stop.
Just be honest with yourself about what you are doing.
Be safe, and be responsible.
By now, if you’ve followed all of the steps, you should be well on your way to a better,
less anxious social life!
But for some, you may find that your anxiety is just too severe to make any progress.
If you are one of those people please use step 8: Get professional help.
This video is in no way a replacement for a licenced therapist.
Some of you may need doctor prescribed medication to help you combat this.
I was able to do it on my own, and I’m sure a lot of you can too, but trust me when I
say it’s not worth accepting that this is your life.
Social Anxiety can be managed and if it’s causing issues in your life please get the
help you need.
You don’t want to go through life alone.
That’s not healthy and it won’t lead to a fulfilling life, no matter how introverted
you are.
You can get through this I promise.
I have faith in you!
If these steps were helpful for you please share this video with someone who might need
it.
My goal on this channel is to help out guys who are struggling with life.
We are all in this together so if you have any questions or concerns drop them in the
comments.
I read every comment and will either address it with a direct response or even a video
if I think the question warrants a whole video.
Thanks again and as always, Good luck out there.
Peace!