President Trump.
Ever since he moved into the White House,
he's been worried about two things.
One, that Eric would find out where he went,
and two, that a deep state inside his own government
was secretly out to get him.
Well, it turns out he may have been right.
A doctor who once told the nation
President Trump has incredible genes
admits making some secret additions
to Mr. Trump's diet.
NEWSMAN: Ronny Jackson served as presidential physician
for five years, until 2018.
He tells The New York Times he and his staff
were working on improving the president's diet.
Those efforts reportedly included putting cauliflower
in the president's mashed potatoes.
Jackson told The Times his goal was to help Trump
lost up to 15 pounds.
Yep, you heard that right.
The White House doctor was secretly hiding cauliflower
in Trump's mashed potatoes so that he would eat healthier.
And really, that's so unnecessary,
because Trump gets enough fiber
from whenever he eats his burger without unwrapping it first.
Although, if this worked for his food,
maybe they could also trick Trump
into being more effective as a president.
Like, maybe they could sneak intelligence briefings
inside his porno mags.
-Yeah. -(laughter)
That would be great for him, and then he'd learn something.
He'd be like, "Wow, this lady's jugs
"are as big as the Russian presence inside of Syria.
-(laughter) -Hey, wait a minute."
But for real, though, I feel bad for Trump, man.
'Cause this is the kind of trick you use on dogs,
you know, to feed them pills.
The White House doctor says he was doing this?
You can't treat a grown man this way.
Like, what happens if Trump gets injured?
Are they gonna make him wear one of those cones
-so he doesn't chew on it? -(laughter)
Undignified.
I mean, sneaking cauliflower into his food is not cool.
First of all, cauliflower isn't even one of the good vegetables.
It's just light-skinned broccoli.
Boom! Roasted you, Cauliflower!
All right, moving on to the world of entertainment.
Yesterday, one of Hollywood's biggest directors
gave up one of Hollywood's biggest secrets.
There's no bad apples here. Rian Johnson,
writer and director of Knives Out,
says that even though Apple allows filmmakers to use
its products in their films, there's one exception--
a bad guy or any antagonist
cannot be seen using an Apple iPhone.
Wow. I didn't know this.
Only the good guys in a movie can use iPhones?
I mean, now that we know it, it's gonna ruin the suspense
-in every film. -(laughter)
Yeah, because now mystery movies won't even need detectives.
They'll just be like, "Okay, I'm starting a group text.
"Let's see who's blue, who's green. Yep.
Christoph Waltz came in green again. Movie over."
And you know what, forget movies,
I don't even trust those people in real life.
If I get a green text bubble,
best believe I'm calling the cops.
I'm just calling the cops.
All right, I'm moving on. We all know this week
President Donald Jai Ho Trump
made his first official state visit to India.
And while he was there, he said everything was great.
Well, it turns out that in the streets of New Delhi
the situation was spiraling out of control.
NEWSWOMAN: Violent clashes between Hindus and Muslims
in the Indian capital of New Delhi
have left at least 20 people dead
and more than 150 hurt.
At the center of the dispute is a controversial new law
which makes it easier for non-Muslims
to become citizens of India.
The fighting began Monday between thousands demonstrating
for and against the new law, and it coincided
with President Trump's visit to India.
NEWSMAN: When asked about the violence,
Trump praised Modi for fighting for religious freedom.
He wants people to have religious freedom,
and very strongly, and he said that in idiot...
India, they have, uh, they have worked very hard
to have great and open religious freedom.
-"He said that in idiot"? -(laughter)
This is really interesting.
So, Trump asked Modi,
"What's going on with religious violence?"
and then Modi says, "Well, nothing to do with me,"
and what, Trump just believes him?
Like, how is he so gullible? Anytime a world leader says
they're not guilty of something, Trump just believes it.
Whether it's Putin, Kim Jong-un, Modi, it doesn't matter.
Like, Trump would be the perfect partner to cheat on.
You know? He'd be like, "Hey, you got a text
"from Big Dick Dave.
Who is that?"
She'd be like, "Oh, that's just my really tall friend,
Richard Dave."
"Oh, okay. Have a fun night working late!"
And, you know, I'm not only worried
about what's happening in India right now,
I'm worried that this situation in India
might affect the United States.
Because in this country, rich white women
love copying everything from Indian culture.
Yoga. Tai chi.
Pretty soon they're gonna be running around in the streets
like, "I read about this new Indian ritual on Goop.
"You go into the streets and you beat the shit out of someone
"who's totally different than you.
"I do it three times a week,
"and I feel so refreshed afterwards. Yeah.
It's like an ethnic cleansing."
(laughter, groaning)
Now... now, here's the deal.
Here's the deal. I'm gonna simplify it,
but the story around the unrest in India
is a really complicated issue.
What it boils down to is India's current leader,
Narendra Modi, who is Hindu, has been accused
of creating laws that oppress the rights
of India's minority Muslim population.
And once again, we're in a situation
where religion is causing people to fight against each other.
And, guys, I'm not gonna lie. It-it makes me so sad.
We shouldn't be fighting over whether we're Hindu
or Christian or Muslim or Jewish.
We should all come together to fight the real enemy:
people with green text bubbles.
Goddamn all of them.