Ricky. Again, we're back to Arizona. Hi, Ricky. How may I help you today?
Hey, how's it going Dr. Joe? I'm sorry. I was a little preoccupied.
So, my question is,
I feel like I'm trying to show
my spouse that... Oh,
what's the question I'm looking for...Try to show her that
I love her unconditionally, but it seems like I'm almost doing it too much.
She's getting overwhelmed.
What are some suggestions that you might have where I can actually
show her that unconditional love without actually being too pushy?
If I may ask, what kind of things are you doing that she feels are pushy?
Well, because
she's been staying away from home. We've been separated but live together. So,
she's been
staying away and then whenever she's going to sleep or whenever I'm going to
sleep, I'll say good night and I'll just send her a wink,
like a smiley face. She
knows it hurts me when she calls me by name instead of addresses me
by babe or love. She says, "goodnight,
Ricardo" or "goodnight, Ricky."
I feel like that's kind of just pushing her away. I'll be up texting he like,
"how you doing? How's it going? Or how's your day going?
How are the kids?" And she'll just simply replies, "Good,
fine. I'll talk to you later."
So, last week we had a really good week,
but this week has been kind of just a flip and I don't know what to do.
I feel like that's kind of the problem. Yeah.
Well, it's pretty obvious to me that you love this woman, right?
Definitely.
Okay. I get that. So, sorry for your pain, my friend.
Are you familiar enough with that material to know what we mean when we talk
about smart contact?
Yes, sir.
And remember the smart contact is if I know that something I'm doing is evoking
a negative emotion within the other person, then I stopped doing that.
Whatever communication we're going to have. Just listening to you,
it sounds like you have a pretty good idea about the things that you do that's
going to evoke kind of a negative response from her.
If she's saying back to you something that you know is communicating to you a
negative, like calling you by your name in that and of course...
You must be in a very busy place there, my friend.
Yes. I'm sorry, background noise. Go ahead.
It's okay. My
suggestion to you is this start making notes.
If not writing on paper, at least mentally start making notes about,
When I do this, she reacts either coldly or negatively. When I do that,
she reacts negatively or coldly.
Those are the kinds of things I would recommend that you stop doing,
because if you continue to do them,
it appears you're just going to get that much more cold or negative response.
Now, you live in the same house. You said last week was a good week.
What made last week a good week?
Well,
we kind of had an agreement where we both had sexual urges and we
were living in separate rooms and she kinda wanted to come into my room.
She texted me that she wanted to go into my room,
that she was tempted because she had the urge.
I told her she should have, which I'm open to.
The next day she did and it was amazing.
Then the next day after that we did again, but it's all at the end of the night,
you know? That's why I think it went really well.
But then the
switch flipped and all of a sudden she's just like, maybe made a mistake.
That would not be unusual at all. The good news, my friend is this,
the fact that she got into bed with you.
Particularly since she got into bed with you twice. Understand that for women,
poor women to become aroused physiologically,
they first have to become aroused psychologically.
What I mean is that no matter how strong their sex drive is,
unless it's a woman that just having sex with everybody,
which is not your situation at all, but in a situation like yours,
when a woman becomes aroused and wants to be in your bed with you,
when she's aroused, it means at least for that period of time,
she has opened herself up to you emotionally and psychologically.
In other words,
it's not just two bodies melding it's two people becoming one,
if you'll let me say that. And having done that when she's like,
"I'm not wanting to stay in this. I want to do something different,
but I did that while he was good enough,
then I wanted to do it again the next day.
It would be very common that a woman who did that would do exactly what she does
or what she did, I should say, which is the day after the switch flip,
and it's like, no, maybe I shouldn't have done that.
When that kind of thing happens,
my recommendation would be don't freak out when that switch flips. Just go,
Okay. She wanted to come into my bed. I didn't beg her in. I didn't drag her in.
She came in because she wanted to, and she came twice.
The fact that she now wants to pull away a little bit,
you become very understanding. Like, "I can understand.
I enjoyed being able to make love with you,
but I understand how you're feeling right now." Boom, leave it alone.
I wouldn't even add, "and if you get to feeling that way again,
and my bedroom is always open," which would be the temptation you'd want to do
because you love her. Just back off, so there's no pressure. Just say,
"I understand how you feel.".
Personally, I would not.
The reason being, so she doesn't feel that I'm pushing it.
I would be comfortable in saying, "thank you for coming.
It was very good." Something like that, that's fine.
Which lets her know that if she wants to come back, she can.
But you're not praising in such a way to where she feels that you're pushing her
to come back. Now, the fact that she got under your bed is a very good sign.
The fact that she got in the bed twice in a row is an extremely good sign.
It does not necessarily mean all your problems are solved,
but that she has to have at least a certain degree of emotional connection with
you for that to happen. The fact that she now backs off is perfectly natural.
I suggest no panic. Don't worry about that. Don't let it scare you.
That's typically what a person would do in that particular situation.
Are there any conversations that you guys have that she initiates about
anything?
Well, this morning she texted me just "hi." I
didn't respond to her a few minutes later. She texted me "hi" again,
but that's it. She's just very plain, very, to the point.
If I may ask, why did you not respond?
I was busy at work. I saw her texts, but I didn't know what to say.
I wanted to say, "hey", bt I guess I put too much thought into it.
After the second "hi" I replied, "hey.".
Because you know, it takes a lot.
Just don't overthink it, my friend. Whenever she initiated the conversation,
I would recommend that you respond as quickly as you can. I've heard people say,
"Well, I'm just going to wait awhile, so she'll know I'm not easy." No,
my suggestion is when she contacts you that's anything that has positive,
even a hi, respond back. "Hi. I hope you're doing well." But
not much, you don't send a paragraph, you send a very short sentence. "Hi.
I hope you're doing well today," because she initiated the contact
and that's a good thing. So, react positively and warmly,
but not overwhelmingly to any initiation that she starts.
I can't predict what's going to happen on your marriage, my friend,
but I'm telling you what these sound like good signs to me, Ricky.
They really do. I don't want to give you false hope.
It doesn't mean everything's going to be hunky-dory tomorrow,
but these are good signs and my recommendation is take them as good signs.
Don't over read them. Don't overthink them.
Just take advantage of whatever comes. But those are good things, my friend.
Great. I just wanted to add one more thing is,
when after that second night, the next day she texted me that
she couldn't imagine even though she hasn't made up her mind yet,
she couldn't imagine anyone else doing those things to her.
I replied in the same way she said,
I told her, I know" it's up in the air,
but I couldn't imagine doing that with anyone else." It's almost like she felt
like I forced it. Because she texted me,
"it sounded kind of forced." I told her it wasn't really forced,
but I feel like I'm trying to show her that I
love her unconditionally, but I'm trying too hard.
It sounded to me like what you wrote back was fine.
The fact that she reacted in some kind of a semi-negative way about that.
I wouldn't panic over that. If she does it again, "well that sounded forced",
just text back a very simple message. "Sorry it sounded forced,
but it was from my heart." Boom. No other explanation. Relatively short.
You follow? But it sounds to me like things are going the right direction,
my friend. I hope it works out for you. I truly, truly do. If we can help,
please call us. We'll help you in any way we possibly can.
Definitely.
I think there's a lot more to my relationship with her than there is just over
the phone that I'm telling you because she has an ex-husband who's always around
and he's got kids with her. So,
I feel like he's actually caught onto your show and he's
kind of implementing those things and it's kind of just messing up our
relationship. But that's for another day. I guess I can call back.
All right.
Or if you wish you might want to call our office and set up some coaching with
one of our coaches, because they can spend a lot more time,
ask a lot more questions, learn a lot more. If you would like to do that,
it's just a number we'll give it to another program. If you don't want to,
I'm not trying to send you coaching,
but I'm saying the coaches will do a lot longer session with you. Okay?
All right.
All right, Ricky. You take care, my friend.
That sounds perfect.
Okay. Thank you.
Thanks for your time.