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The secret language that we all speak means every bit of nonverbal
communication that we use to interact with other people in our relationships.
The interesting thing is that we are all experts in it.
Everybody that walks into every lecture that I give is already an expert.
Just navigating the line at coffee and traffic, and
walking on public transit, you're speaking that language in negotiating.
Who moves out of the way?
What gestures do you do, and who takes what seat?
It's all communicating in this language of power.
An example, a cocktail party, there's a circle of people,
they're standing around talking and someone starts to approach.
That circle of people is either going to open up and
invite that person in or it's going to close ranks a little,
because it's not, for whatever reason, okay for that person to enter.
The conversation needs to go a particular way because of who that person is,
whatever the context.
That's happens all the time,
it happens in bars and in coffee houses everywhere we go.
So, that's also communicating in this languages of power and
it's something we don't think about,
the group doesn't have a vote on how we're going to behave, they just react.
And it's six or seven people reacting to small verbal cues,
small nonverbal cues, all simultaneously.
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Any one individual can change the dynamic of the group or
the person they're with and they do it by a set of behaviors.
What we're talking about is the difference between being more authoritative or
being more approachable.
So, if you want to join the circle, you can enter the circle
before you even approach it by calling out someone's name and
that puts you inside that circle already.
You could come up and tap someone on the shoulder, or gently nudge someone, and
all of that nonverbal communication is asserting,
I'm here, I'm taking an authoritative approach that I'm going to enter.
It's a little on the dominant side of things.
Conversely, if you're in the circle,
you can decide I'm going to let that person in.
You can use your power from within the circle and take up this space and
say, I own this and because I do, come and join me.
Come into my space, I'm holding in the circle here, and
I'm going to let you in and share my power with you.
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I typically show up with a little bit more emotion.
My head's a little to the side, and I tend to be friendly.
In fact, people come up on the street and ask me questions all over the world,
when I'm not local, directions, or other things, because I'm that way.
But I can change by just making my self a little more still, a little more upright,
I can make my voice go a little bit lower into my chest voice.
I can speak a little bit more slowly and
I can leave more space in my words and slow down my gestures.
Now, I would say across that last 30 seconds,
I became a lot more grounded and authoritative, and you would
believe the directions I was giving you in London, even if I didn't know them.
Conversely, if that's how you always show up,
if you tend to be in this slow place, you can make small changes.
You can talk just a little bit faster, maybe you can tilt your head a little bit,
you can nod.
Maybe touch your chin a little bit as you talk or a little bit more
gesture with your hand and I think this is a little friendlier, it's a little softer.
Just by making those small changes, two things happen.
One, I'm communicating to you a different set of social cues,
about that you can approach me or that you shouldn't and
as it turns out, by changing your body you change your internal state.
In one place where I'm more authoritative,
I will begin to feel more authoritative just by taking on those gestures.
And I will feel a little more friendly and
approachable by taking on the other set of gestures.
So it works both ways.
You can decide to be it inside and it will come out naturally and
you can decide to put it on physically and it will go inside.
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After you start thinking about this, you can't avoid it.
You'll see it as you walk across campus or as you go to get a coffee.
But it's the just the background that's happening
because it's naturally how we communicate.
You don't have to make strategic choices all day long, that would be exhausting.
But most of us have learned this navigation as children and
as we come up and we sort a lot of it out in junior high school,
it's all these social cues and it's just how we function in the world.
So we're on autopilot most of the time and that works great for
90% of the people, there are a few.
But it works great all the time.
When it's really important, when it makes a difference,
you might want to consider some different choices.
When it is an important meeting for you, when it isn't going well,
when you are having a challenging situation, these are the points where you
might want to stop and take a thought and a little bit of action.
And then you can go back to just being you.
Because most of us are successful, well-adjusted people that
navigate this without thinking and that's how it should be.
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Often, when we come home from a stressful day and we walk in the house,
we carry all of that along with us.
It just comes along because that commute was rough and
that guy cut us off and all of that's inside and
as I said, what's inside comes out, and so we walk in the house.
But you can stop right at the door and take 30 seconds or a minute and reset.
Think about what's on the other side of the door.
How much you care about them.
How you want to show up for them.
What fun you have had and are planning to have and that will start to change you.
You could put a smile on and change your body and
then when you walk through the door, you're a different you.
Everybody's fear, primarily,
is that the way that they are isn't the way that they should be.
What if I was the other side of the equation?
And then, most people are afraid of actually being powerful.
They say they're not.
Our students come in, and they act in powerful ways, but
when we push them to really step into it, it's a challenge.
There are a number of poems and songs that are all written about this, but
the thing that we're really most afraid of is being powerful.
To stand in a very confident, really stand in your power is a scary place to be.
And if you can do that then you can change the world,
you can change the people around you.
You can lead people to do things and accomplish your goals and
it's an incredible place to be.
When I coach someone, and they step into their power the first time ever,
they have a visceral reaction.
It's an emotional experience and they feel incredible and
it's frightening and exciting and scaring at the same time.
The secret, the thing that they all want to know, is how to stand in that place and
be comfortable.
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