Where are the people from Florida?
Yeah?
Did you guys really come just for the show?
Oh, hi Grandma!
So you came to see your granddaughter?
No, come on.
What!
Have you been sliding in my DMs?
Grandma, why you being thirsty?
See Grandma?
Grandma’s out here trappin’.
Grandma, it’s cuffing season, right?
Grandma, do you have any piece of advice for me?
Be honest.
Okay.
So be honest, do you really...?
If you could create a holiday, what would it be called, and what would it celebrate?
Um, it would be called Hasanoween and you’d have to watch Patriot Act.
There.
Um, Election Day.
Election— how is that not a holiday?
Election Day should be a holiday.
Did you know in other countries—
in Australia you get fined $20 if you don’t go vote.
Yeah. Yeah.
Um, I had another idea.
You know what we should have?
Remember like, when you were in like, elementary school or middle school,
there was just that one day where you could just— everyone just went to Six Flags?
We need like National Six Flags Day.
You know what I mean?
Like, where do you work?
New York Times.
So say at the Times like, on a Wednesday, just during the pitch meeting like 9:15, 9:18 AM...
Later?
So let’s say 10:30,
someone just comes in and they’re just like,
“Dude, fucking drop it.
We’re going to Six Flags.”
How awesome would that be?
Just like a— think about it. That’d be incredible.
So I want a National Six Flags Day, but it’s a random day.
There’s not a lot of things that we get to do now with just like, unbridled joy.
So that’s what I’m— that’s what I’m saying.
What uh, what uh— what do you do at the Times?
Oh really?
Grandma.
He works on the crossword.
It’s a big deal.
That’s coveted.
You know you’ve made it when you’re a comedian in the crossword.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You’ve had me?
No, come on, dude. Don’t lie.
You know him?
Oh.
Huh?
Oh, really?
Okay, cool.
Hopefully it was a positive thing?
I had to count.
Dude, I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be smart, but I’m like—
It’s kinda like there’s like, certain things that I’m just like still a kid about.
Like I don’t know the difference between a W-2 and a W-9.
I’m like, what’s the...?
Or like, how many dependents?
That’s an open-ended question, like how many— there’s a lot of people depending.
In a different, you know, like—
I can list like seven people that are dependent.
Eddie, you’re one of my dependents.
You can claim me too, I depend on you.
You know we’re best friends, right?
You guys are the cute— I think Patriot Act audience is like the cutest audience in the world.
You guys are like a Hallmark Original Movie, you know?
Alright. “What is one thing you love about living in New York and one thing you hate?”
Um, I love Times Square.
I think Times Square is great!
You got the M&M’s Store.
You got that big ass Olive Garden.
I remember one time Beena was— so Beena was pregnant and she was like—
It was like 10 o’clock at night— she’s like, “I want Olive Garden.”
I’m like, “Babe, let’s hit 42nd and 8th... the Times Square Olive Garden.”
And we got there and everybody who works there, they’re native New Yorkers.
So they saw us— a couple people recognized me,
and they’re like, “What are you— what are you doing here?”
Why you gotta judge? Like...
You can’t fuck with a classic.
Just get me that soup and salad, let’s get that minestrone going, baby.
I love— I love New York. I love the cart coffee.
I love a one dollar cart coffee.
We have a cart out here— they just completely changed the game and I want them out.
It’s $1.25 and I’m like, “Stop!”
It’s either a dollar or two, we’re not doing...we’re not doing change.
So.
Um, what else?
I think Central Park’s kinda cool, too.
Have you ever seen it from like— like when you’re like, in a plane and you’re landing?
You’re just like, how is there this rainforest in the middle of Manhattan?
And I’m amazed like, you know how many awful corporations and banks are in this city.
Nobody’s just gone FernGully on Central Park?
Isn’t that incredible if you think about it?
Do you know there’s penguins in Central Park?
Yeah man, it’s just a zoo!
It is crazy.
We live in a, a little eight mile long garbage island and in the middle, there’s just penguins
in the middle of this weird, man-made forest.
And they’re just waddling around— they go up against the glass, it’s crazy.
We have penguins here.
Dude, they’re out there.
They’re marching, dude. They’re just out there marching.
Maybe the corporations are scared of the penguins.
Alright, “Do you put your cereal before milk or milk before cereal?”
I pour the cereal,
I eat a bite,
I chew it,
I take milk in a cup and I drink it and I— yes!
And I let my mouth be the bowl.
I’m a liar? I’ll do it for you right now— why would I lie about that?
Of all the things I would lie about.
No, I do! I’m telling— Allah ki kasam, I’m telling you.
Wallahi.
Huh? It’s not a lie?
Yeah. I can’t eat, like— my thing is I’m a big texture person.
That’s my thing.
You ever— you ever see like, uh, oatmeal when they—
right when they put the water on it?
It’s going through puberty, it doesn’t know what it is.
I like when it coalesces and it’s thicc— two C’s— then dive in.
Not when it’s in this weird middle stasis, osmosis is happening between the—
Do you know what I mean?
I like... it knows what it is.
I like things that are thicc.
Do you wanna know— you wanna know what scarred me?
Why I’m so crazy about texture and stuff like that?
And certain sauces and like, liquids and stuff like that.
So, when I was in elementary school, we would have like a lunch in the cafeteria.
And they would have french fries all the time.
It was the ’90s. They didn’t care about our health.
So we’d have french fries every day and there was this kid in my class—
We were sitting in the cafeteria. We were eating french fries, and this kid, I’m not gonna say the name.
Uh, bleep the name.
[Bleep]
So, [bleep]
[Bleep] is— Remember how, you know little kids when it’s cold, things get dry so everyone—
their nose is bleeding?
So [bleep]’s nose is bleeding. He was such a nose bleeder.
And his nose is bleeding.
And as his nose was bleeding, he was eating french fries with ketchup.
So it was just going down, like Eleven in Stranger Things and then he’s—
And I’m watching this— I’m seven— I’m just like, “I never want to be around ketchup.”
If I’m at a restaurant and there’s a bottle of Heinz... I move that shit.
I move it away. I’m like, “Get that away from me.”
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
There’s just certain sauces or liquids I don’t... yeah.
Not even gonna— Gazpacho? Yuck. Not dealing with it.
Not— not going down that path again.
Is it weird that if I have french fries I’ll have it with mustard?
Is that weird?
Barbecue sauce is fine.
But I’m not cool with barbecue sauce at the halal cart.
Cut that shit out!
You go white sauce or red sauce, but they’re like, “Do you want A1 barbecue sauce?”
Why are we playing games?
“Why are weddings so expensive?”
This is from Garrett. Is Garrett here?
Are you Garrett? Ahh!
You know what’s so funny?
One of the notes that I wrote on this— I was like, “Great question, it’s time for
the Indian community to have a conversation about weddings.”
I was like, “Garrett, sounds Indian, this can be a moment.”
No, you know what?
Okay, so, I just think like, look, you know the buy in?
They tell our entire generation you have to go to college and you—
they advise getting married.
You can’t have two debt traps.
Yeah, just boom, boom.
I think, this is my— this is just my pitch.
So, what number are you guys looking at in terms of the marriage?
What’s your total number on the guest list?
A hundred-ish?
Garrett, you were like—
New York Times fact checking.
Confirmed.
Is that high? Low? What do you think that, I mean that’s—
Maybe more.
I mean that’s like, the amount of people in my living room, like, before we go to the wedding.
It’s bad, it’s bad.
Here’s what I think. Here’s what I think.
I think the gift— we should cut out wedding gifts.
A way we can make it super cheap is everybody has to bring a skillset to the table.
Because everything else is a ripoff.
You have tablecloths... ripoff.
DJ... ripoff.
Centerpieces... ripoff.
You just have to look at your roster of a hundred people and go, “Alright, who’s the DJ?”
You know what I mean? Like, “Who’s bringing it?”
“Is there...anyone really good with flowers?”
That’s the gift.
And if you don’t— if you don’t have a skillset you’re not coming...
Don’t you think that’d be great?
You’re talking about Indian culture. Don’t bring that privilege into this conversation.
You know that. You’re a girl. Your family’s paying for fucking everything.
It’s— it’s super fucked up.
Yeah.
You guys are dealing with— are your parents here?
That’s your mom, okay.
I was like, “This is really an awkward place... to have this intervention.”
Alright, “What would you change about social media?”
You know what I would do?
I just want it to go back to MySpace.
MySpace was fun.
Everyone was friends with Tom. It was a simpler time.
You know what I would do?
I would just–to me–I think we’re never gonna get rid of the apps.
I think what we just need to do is— the rule that I would change is you can—
you can use all the apps.
You can use Facebook, Twitter.
Grandma, you can use Tinder.
Whatever you want.
But you can only do it on the computer.
I feel like the fact that it’s on our phone is like, destroying our brains.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s too much.
Isn’t this weird? Isn’t this, like, the longest time you’ve been away from, like, checking your phone?
Has it been weird?
Okay.
No, no but like—
But like, don’t you ever watch like a one-hour drama— like you’re watching Succession
and then you have like, the laptop open while you have the phone out?
Okay, that’s cool. That’s awesome. That— that gives me hope for the future.
Okay, “I have a long term boyfriend of four years, but I still haven’t told my parents yet.
How did you tell your parents?”
Alright, look— and this is from “Anonymous.”
Just says, “Anon.”
Here’s what I suggest.
Just wait eight more years
and tell them about it at the wedding.
“If dogs could talk, what would they be saying?
My theory is that they are completely aware they have humans eating out of the palm of their...
paws.”
This is from Brittany. Brittany, you’re punny.
I think if dogs could talk there would be a lot more competition in late night.
I— I would lose my job. I would lose my job.
People would be like, “You wanna watch this guy or you wanna watch a dog that is hosting a show?”
Straight up Air Bud on late night.
I’d have no chance.
You know what I love?
I love, one thing I do— you know I was, I’m terrified of dogs.
I was bit as a kid so I’ve always been terrified of dogs.
But I’ve learned to be more loving and accepting of them.
This office is dog-friendly.
One thing that I do appreciate about dogs is that they’re very present.
Like whatever they’re doing in that moment, they’re doing it.
You know, like, they want food, they want food.
They’re humping your leg, they’re humping your leg.
They’re— yeah, they’re just in the moment.
They have no smartphones.
They’re— they’re there for you.
“When will you let your daughter watch your stand up or Patriot Act?”
Uh, when she’s eighteen.
Thank you!
Thank y’all. Goodnight!