hello there I'm John Oliver host of last
week tonight we're off this week for the
4th of July but I wanted to make a video
to wish everyone a happy Independence
Day or as they call it where I'm from
July the 4th and that's it I do hope you
have a great day of resting barbecuing
and preparing to explain your weird tan
lines to your co-workers on Tuesday I
fell asleep
outside with my hat on backwards and now
my forehead looks like a sunset but I
just like to take a quick moment to
remind you of what you're missing out on
by celebrating your independence because
as you know since 1776 you've done very
well as a nation but it might be worth
thinking about just a handful of things
that you gave up when kicking Britain
unceremoniously out of this country
because first there is the matter of
your accents these beautiful vowel
sounds could have been yours but instead
instead from sea to shining sea
you speak like you just burnt your
tongue on a hot apple pie you are also
missing out on bowler hats which are
perfect for dressing your head like an
circumcised velvet penis and and that is
not even mentioning all the cuisine that
you lost
for example meat pies which are a lot
like British people themselves a
hardened outer layer gives the
impression of composure but under the
surface it's just a hot King mess but
the thing that Americans are really
missing out on is pessimism Americans
are optimistic people who believe the
sky is the limit
whereas in Britain we are painfully
aware of our limits in fact just look at
the British sky itself even the Sun is
incapable of asserting itself their
British people never make the mistake of
developing self-esteem because no matter
what we achieve deep down we know we'll
never be as good as the Queen which is
to say an elderly woman who frowns for a
living
so just take a moment on this July the
4th to think about all that you left
behind and I think you'll realize
honestly you are probably way better off
the way that things are thank you so
much for watching this so do enjoy your
holiday we'll be back on HBO with a new
episode on July 24 goodbye